Dance with the Clown

Chapter 8
Things I Thought I's Never Tell

I smiled at my mom. I was so happy that I could tell her. Now that she knew, my life might be a little easier.

My mom looked at me. “So, um… do these…charas… eat?”

I nodded.

“Then, I suppose I’ll make breakfast for all of you.” She said.

“But, before I do that…can you---um, what was it called?--- character-transform?” She continued.

I blinked. Why did she want to see me character-transform?

“OK, mom. You might want to sit down, though.” I said.

She nodded her head and sat down at the end of my bed.

I beckoned towards Kusukusu and she came forward.

“My heart: UNLOCK!”

Kusukusu had returned inside her egg and popped into my chest.

Light radiated from me in technicolor and I twirled and span around the air.

I finally reached the ground in a clown costume.

The costume was white, pink, red, and purple.

It was finished off with white tights, red boots, and a giant red bow on my head.

“Character transformation: Clown Drop!” I finally said.

My mother gasped and her jaw dropped. “Wow… amazing.”

She was in awe. It was like I erased any doubt in her mind that this was a dream.

I powered down and my mom stared for a moment before heading down to the kitchen to

prepare breakfast for me, Kusukusu, and Yuri.

Now that my mom knows… I hope this doesn’t change things.

Of course my mom was going to bombard me with questions, but that’s a normal non-character-bearer reaction.

She was surprised by it. I can understand that.

I ate my breakfast with Yuri and Kusukusu and headed out the door before my mom could ask me too many questions.

I walked down the street and looked at the signs. Then, in a moment of insanity, I felt the urge to go downtown.

Downtown. By myself. Well, at least with the charas…

I felt drawn there. I’d just have to hope I wouldn’t be grabbed again.

As I walked the streets downtown, I saw the reason why I was so drawn there.

Utau Hoshina was standing outside of a flower shop, looking through the window.

Beside her stood a boy with spiky, brownish-red hair. I didn’t get a glimpse of his face until he turned his head.

Kukai Souma.

Well, they sure make an odd couple.

Utau, somehow knowing she was being watched, looked at me.

“Aren’t you the Queen’s chair of the Guardians?” She asked as she walked towards me. Kukai followed her.

I nodded. “Yes.”

She looked at Yuri, and then at me. “Why do you have my chara?”

I looked at Utau in a no-nonsense way. “Tara stole her.” I said in a monotone.

Yuri immediately charged towards Utau. “Utau-chi! I missed you!!!”

Utau smiled at the hysterically weeping chara. “I missed you, too, Yuri.”

Kukai appeared dumbfounded.

“Who’s Tara?” He asked, in a response to what I had said to Utau.

Utau grimaced and replied to him. “A new singer Easter hired. She’s a brat from America.”

It had been a coincidence to see Utau and Kukai, but I was in shock when Amu showed up as well.

Was this a coincidence? If it was, it was freaky.

Amu walked down the street as she window shopped.

She saw me and immediately ran up to me. “Rima, I’m sorry about yesterday. I was kind of insensitive.”

Utau saw Amu and turned her head. She was still upset that Amu was together with Ikuto (Utau’s a sick puppy with a brother complex). They were friends, but sometimes

Utau’s jealousy caused her to react to Amu negatively.

Kukai smiled at Amu and she smiled back.

“Yo, Hinamori! Long time, no see.” He said.

“It’s been too long, Kukai.” Amu replied.

Of course I was forgotten. Again.

When Amu finally did focus her attention on me again, I regretted wishing for her to notice me.

She was… too observant.

She gasped and her jaw dropped in a mixture of astonishment, horror, and guilt.

“Rima… you have rope burn… around your neck.” She said in awe.

She knew. Of course she knew. Amu always knows.

“Could I have prevented that by talking to you yesterday?” She asked.

I looked away. Tears threatened to soil my dignity, and I wasn’t going to cry. I refused to cry.

“Maybe.” I replied.

“What are you two talking about?” Utau and Kukai asked, confused and concerned.

Amu ignored them and kept talking to me. “I’m so incredibly sorry, Rima! I had no idea! You tried to hang yourself because of that?!

If I had known you were that upset… I would’ve put everything aside and help you deal with it. I didn’t think you’d be so depressed over a breakup with your first boyfriend…

I thought you were just gonna be a little upset for a while and get over it… I should’ve known. But, who would’ve thought you’d even consider suicide, nonetheless attempt it?!”

Utau stared at us in shock and Kukai was speechless.

I cried and Amu cried with me. Well, there goes my dignity.

“It’s not your fault! I was upset about it, and I needed to talk to you, but you couldn’t talk. I felt unimportant on top of my depression because you chose to talk

to Ikuto instead of me, but it’s not your fault. You couldn’t have known, and I don’t blame you. I understand what it’s like to be in love! Of course you’d choose him!” I said through my violent sobs.

Amu cried harder than she had been before. “I’m such a horrible friend!”

We hugged each other as we bawled.

“N-no y-you’re not!” I replied, though my words were slurred from my crying.

During a break in the crying, I saw a familiar blonde-haired pri--- I mean, King, run down the street.

Why the heck was Tadase running downtown?

This couldn’t simply be a coincidence. Four people I know are just coincidentally downtown at the same time as me?

Maybe I’m just being paranoid. Maybe it is a coincidence.

When Tadase got near us, he talked to Amu and I.

“What’s wrong? I could hear you guys crying all the way over at my house.”

Amu gave him a weird. “Isn’t your house more than a mile away?”

Tadase looked at her scoldingly. “Yes, it is. I’d be surprised if anybody from here to Tokyo didn’t hear you.” He said.

Were Amu and I really that loud?

So much confusion. My mind must be blurred by thoughts like my eyes had been blurred by tears.

“We can’t tell you what’s wrong. However, you should talk to Nagi. Just tell him these words: ‘Rima’s upset. Tell me why’. He’ll understand perfectly.

Get him to tell you what the hell is wrong.” I told Tadase as boldly as I could. Almost yelling out of anger.

Where did that come from? In what parallel universe would I say something like that?

Tadase looked confused for a moment but, somehow, he realized.

“That idiot. He finally gets together with her and he ruins it.” Tadase muttered to himself so quietly that I was almost unable to hear.

I looked at him. “What are you talking about?”

“You heard me?”

“That tends to happen when you whisper to yourself right in front of someone. Now, tell me, what are you talking about?”

“You may not know it, but Nagi’s feelings for you didn’t just begin shortly before he gave you the rose.

As mushy as it sounds, he’s been crazy about you for a long time. He’s such a moron and lost his chance.” Tadase told me.

I stared at him for a little bit. “I didn’t know that… anyways, how do you know how he feels?”

Tadase grimaced. “Ugh. You’re all he talked about since summer began. He was without you, so of course he thought of you even more.

It was always ‘Rima’ this and ‘Rima’ that. He’d say little things like ‘I think I’m finally going to get the courage to confess’. You were always at the top of his mind no matter what was going on.

I’m a sensitive guy, and I knew he liked you, but sometimes it annoyed me to no end because he’d never shut up.”

(Author’s note: This story is still taking place during late-August or early-September. Didn’t want to confuse you about the summer thing.)

I was shocked. How could that be true? It couldn’t…

Just as I was processing my thoughts, I realized something.

“Tadase, you said you could hear Amu and I crying… you didn’t happen to hear what we said, did you?”

Tadase looked at my rope-burned neck and then back at my face. He nodded solemnly.

I gasped in terror. “Please don’t tell!”

“Of course I won’t tell! Nagihiko believes so much in making things even… he’d try to hang himself, too, but it might not be an attempt.” He replied.

I was completely unable to say words.

The most I could mutter was four nearly silent words. “He can’t find out.”

Thanks, Miss Obvious. I thought.

What happened to the “parallel universe Rima” who wasn’t such a spineless baby and could use words?

Just as Utau and Kukai were about to ask what exactly had happened, Tadase’s cell phone chimed.

Tadase apologized, said it was from Nagihiko, and answered it.

“Hello.------

Oh, yeah. I know all about it.-------

I don’t care what your excuse is. You’ve been acting like a

freak, going crazy over Rima since practically the day you met her.

You guys finally confess and you break up with her?!-----

That’s no reason to—no. You’re such an idiot.------

No, you shut up!----

Don’t say that about me. I’m not the one who screwed up big time.

Also, just so you know, Rima knows your secret, remember?-----

Yes, that secret. What, you got another secret? You sleep with a teddy bear or something?----

Really?.... uh, I was just guessing.-----

Look, nevermind.------

I highly doubt Rima would tell, but she could use it against you.-----

Yeah, I told her how borderline-stalkerish you were and she deserved to know.-----

No, don’t go into exile. According to what Amu told me before, Rima felt the same way but didn’t express it..----

Gee, I wonder. Maybe because you spouted stupid excuses when you broke up with her. What did you tell her, anyways?-----

‘Half a man’? What do you mean? So what if you crossdress?!”

Tadase paused from his conversation (which I, unfortunately, could only hear one side of). He said what was forbidden to be said.

Amu gasped and her jaw dropped.

“N-Nagihiko’s a… crossdresser?! Does that mean he’s... Nadeshiko?” She asked.

Tadase hestitantly put the phone back to his ear. “Sorry…your secret’s out.----

What I mean is that Amu, Utau Hoshina, and Kukai know now.-----

…Sorry.”

Tadase looked at all of us and hung up the phone.

“Sorry that this may come as a surprise to all of you.. except for Rima.” He said.

Utau looked at me. “Isn’t Fujisaki-kun the Jack’s Chair?”

“Yeah… and he used to be the Queen.” I replied.

Amu was stunned.

She looked shocked.

“Amu, it’s fine… he’s still the same as he always was. Don’t be judgmental of him.” I said.

W-wait, why was I defending Nagi? Shouldn’t I be mad at him?

“I’m not being judgmental. It’s just…I’ve slept over at his house before and told him all sorts of secrets--- including the embarrassing ‘girl talk’ kind of secrets--- when I thought that his ‘Nadeshiko’ alter ego was a real girl. I’m just humiliated by the things I told him when I thought he was being honest about who he was…”

Nagihiko invited Amu to sleep over at his house before? Alter ego or not, Nagihiko’s getting a slap for that.

“What kind of things did you tell him?” I asked.

“Let’s just say…‘Nadeshiko’ was the only person I talked to when I ‘started’-----you know what I mean, right?”

My jaw dropped. I felt so bad for Amu. That’s completely humiliating to talk about even with a close friend that’s a girl…

She must be mortified to find out it was a boy.

“You couldn’t just tell your parents?”

Amu rolled her eyes. “Puh-lease. I couldn’t tell my mom, because she’d tell my dad. My dad doesn’t trust me as it is.

If he found out I had my you-know-what, he’d wave a pregnancy test in my face every time I left the house.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. It’s ridiculous to even think that Amu would do something so stupid as to have sex and get pregnant at her age.

I mean, she’s only a sixth grader. She was also way too smart and responsible for that.

“OK, I get it. ‘Nadeshiko’ was the only ‘girl’ that you trusted enough to tell. I feel bad for you.” I said.

Utau looked at Amu, glaring. “There’s no possibility of you getting pregnant, is there?”

Amu glared back at Utau, understanding the accusation of the question. “No. I’m staying pure until there’s a wedding ring on my finger.”

Utau scowled and turned her head.

“What’s your problem?” I asked. “Why are you trying to accuse Amu of things like that?”

“Wanna know what my problem is? Amu’s perfect. No matter how hard I try, I can’t find a flaw in her.” Utau replied.

Amu stared in confusion. “You think I’m perfect? That is so completely untrue.”

“That’s a load of bull and you know it!” Utau snapped.

Tadase and Kukai stood there and looked at us like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Yeah, um, I didn’t catch any of what you guys were talking about.” Kukai said.

“Would you ladies care to explain?” Tadase asked.

“GO AWAY!” Amu, Utau, and I shouted to the boys simultaneously.

Amu looked at me and then at Utau.

The boys looked frightened at ran away.

We all three stared at each other and laughed.

It was hilarious.

Once all the tension was cleared by laughter, we realized there was no point to the fight.

Amu invited Utau and I to her house, and we were happy to oblige.

We walked to her house and were greeted by Amu’s parents.

We headed up the stairs to her room and--- after I’d called my mom to tell her where I was--- we talked.

“Let’s make this a girl’s-night-in.” Amu suggested cheerfully.

Utau smiled. “Sounds like a good idea.”

“No boys allowed.” I stated.

It was early afternoon by the time we’d decided to have a “girls-night-in” slumber party.

The hard part was finding out what to do. What sort of things could you at a slumber party in early afternoon?

Utau suggested karaoke, but Amu declined.

Why, you may ask? Simply because she didn’t want her singing to be compared to Utau’s.

I didn’t blame her. If there was one thing that Amu couldn’t hold a candle to compared to Utau, it was singing.

Utau’s singing was amazing and beautiful, and I pitied any girl that thought they’d ever be able to come close to her talent.

They were doomed for disappointed.

“It’s just for fun.” Utau pleaded Amu.

Amu sighed. “Fine… only if Rima goes first.”

I looked at her with cold eyes and spoke in a monotone. “You’re not serious, right?”

Amu nodded.

Utau looked at me. “OK. Go ahead, Rima.”

I stepped towards Amu’s mini-karaoke machine and selected my favorite song: Circus by Britney Spears (I don’t own).

There's only two types of people in the world
The ones that entertain and the ones that observe
Well baby, I'm a put-on-a-show kind of girl
Don't like the backseat, gotta be first

I'm a like the ringleader, I call the shots
(Call the shots)
I'm like a firecracker I make it hot
When I put on a show

I feel the adrenaline moving through my veins
Spotlight on me and I'm ready to break
I'm like a performer, the dancefloor is my stage
Better be ready, hope that you feel the same

All eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus
When I crack that whip, everybody gonna trip just like a circus
Don't stand there watching me, follow me, show me what you can do
Everybody let go, we can make a dancefloor just like a circus

There's only two types of guys out there
Ones that can hang with me and ones that are scared
So baby, I hope that you came prepared
I run a tight ship so beware

I'm a like the ringleader, I call the shots
(Call the shots)
I'm like a firecracker, I make it hot
When I put on a show

I feel the adrenaline moving through my veins
Spotlight on me and I'm ready to break
I'm like a performer, the dancefloor is my stage
Better be ready, hope that you feel the same

All eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus
When I crack that whip, everybody gonna trip just like a circus
Don't stand there watching me, follow me, show me what you can do
Everybody let go, we can make a dancefloor just like a circus.


Haha. Funny, right? A wannabe-comedian singing a song called “Circus”… yeah, with humor like that I’ll never be a comedian.

Amu applauded cheerfully.

Utau stared at me in wonder.

Her eyes were wide with curiousity and fascination.

I was sort of scared. The way Utau was looking at me was unnerving.

“Wow.” Was all she said.

Did I really suck that bad?

“W-well, not everyone can be a professional singer like you.” I said, looking down.

“You should be. You’re really good.” She said, still staring.

“Surely you’re joking.” I said immediately.

Utau shook her head. “Not in the least.”

Amu crossed her arms after realizing she’d eventually have to take her turn singing.

“Geez. Why do I have to be the only one without singing talent?” She said, complaining.

“Still insecure about your crappy singing, Amu-koi?” A mysterious voice teased.

Amu grinned so radiantly that I thought I’d be blinded.

She turned toward a blue-haired figure climbing in through her window. “IKUTO!”

Just as Amu and her kitty-cat boyfriend were about to kiss, I interrupted.

“No. Boys. Allowed.” I said curtly.

Amu looked at me with pleading eyes. “Rima, please! I haven’t seen him in such a long time.”

I scowled at her and then at Ikuto.

“No pets allowed, either.” I muttered quietly, but the dumb kitty heard.

Ikuto glared at me.

“I know you have a prejudice, Clown, but can you make an exception? I hitchhiked all the way from France just to see Amu. I think I’ve earned a minute or two with her.” He said.

“Whatever, Cat. You’re being timed.” I replied.

I tapped an imaginary “watch” (my wrist) and dramatically mouthed the words tick-tock, tick-tock repeatedly.

Amu sighed. “Be nice.”

I looked over at Utau, who was huddled in a corner.

“U-Utau, are you ok?” I asked gingerly.

Ikuto turned around. “Utau’s here?”

Utau pouted dramatically.

“Yes.” She said.

Ikuto sighed and gave her a one-armed hug.

Utau grinned widely and brightly.

Amu and I looked at each other, both of us with disgust in our eyes.

Neither of us could ever get used to the fact that Utau romantically loves her brother.

I hate the fact that Ikuto is Amu’s boyfriend, but I’d prefer that he be with Amu than his sister.

Thank God Ikuto was together with Amu------

I never thought I’d say that.

But, just as the general level of disgust died down, there was another reason to be disgusted.

At least, I was disgusted.

Ikuto and Amu were kissing, Utau was reading aloud from a romance novel, and love radiated throughout the room.

The love was both real and fictional, but either way, I had none.

All this happened just as I was finally forgetting Nagi.

Why did I bother trying to forget at all?

It was a battle that I was doomed to lose.

Nagihiko’s POV

I walked to the library after finding out that not only a part of my life was screwed, but all of it.

No matter how many books I read, I couldn’t distract myself.

I ruined my first relationship, and my best friend let it slip that I was a crossdresser.

Everything that could go horribly wrong did go horribly wrong.

Tadase walked inside the library and stood beside me.

How did he know I was here?

“You know, you always come to the same place when you’re trying to distract yourself.” Tadase said.

“Books never betray me.” I said through my teeth, my eyes glued on a book.

“Nagihiko, what is it with you? Why are you so emotional?” He asked me.

“Living life as a girl for thirteen years tends to make people sensitive.” I said, still not lifting my eyes from the book.

“I know you liked Rima, but there’s other girls…” He said, trying to comfort me.

“I love her. I really do.” I whispered.

“Then why did you break up with her?” He asked.

“I’m not good enough. I have too many problems I need figure out.

She never cared about me as much as I care about her, so she’ll get over it quickly.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s forgotten about me already.” I said.

Tadase bit his lip, like he was trying to prevent himself from telling me something.

“You’re wrong about that.” He said tensely.

I studied his expression for a moment. “What do you mean?”

He tried to leave, apparently trying to avoid the question.

I knew it! He was hiding something.

“What are you hiding?” I asked him.

“Nagi… don’t overreact, OK?” He said.

I was losing patience. “Spit it out!”

“…Rima tried to hang herself.” Tadase said bluntly.

I dropped my jaw and for a second my brain went blank.

I felt numb.

“Why?” I asked sheepishly, hoping he’d say that it was for some other random reason and that I had nothing to do with it.

“From what I understood, she felt unwanted and unimportant.” He replied.

“’Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?” I asked flatly, my voice expressing no emotion.

He looked to the ground. “I know how you react to things… and how you like making things even.”

Oh… so he thought that because she tried to hang herself, I’d try to hang myself, too…

I probably would.

But, I’m pretty sure that as much as Rima probably hates me now, she wouldn’t be ecstatic about my death.

Or, at least, I hope she would be a little upset about my death.

But, who knows? Maybe she does want me to die.

In that case, I’d be more than happy to oblige.

What do I have to live for, anyway?

I have a blabber-mouth friend, my secret’s out, and the only girl I ever truly loved tried to kill herself…

The only thing that’s possibly worth living for is dancing.

I’m not sure if they’d have dancing in Heaven…

But, assuming I’d get to Heaven is thinking too positively.

I’d probably never even make it to Heaven.

Maybe I’ll just quit school, immigrate out of the country, and join some dancing convent.

That’s an appealing prospect…

Too bad I lost my passport.

“Nagihiko? Earth to Nagi!” Tadase said, waving his hand in front of my face.

“What do you want?” I said in a near-monotone, irritated.

“I’m worried now. You’re not gonna attempt suicide or anything are you?” He asked.

I sighed. “I was considering it, but it’s probably not a good option right now. I was thinking about immigration, though...”

“Be serious.” He said.

“I am serious.” I replied.

Tadase rolled his eyes. “You’re honestly insane, aren’t you? I know a way to cheer you up.”

“Highly doubtful, but how?” I asked.

“Get a rebound girl.” He said

I glared at him. “No.”

“So you’re just gonna end up as a bitter, lonely old man who can’t get over his first girlfriend?” He asked sarcastically.

I looked back in my book and nodded. “Uh-huh.”

Tadase chuckled. “C’mon. Give a rebound girl a shot.”

I sighed. “What makes you think anyone will be interested in me, anyway?”

Tadase looked at me like he was shocked I’d ask that. “Nagi, remember when you were just beginning to live as a boy again? You know, before you met Rima?”

I nodded.

How could I forget?

Oh… now I knew what he was getting at.

“You could charm any girl you wanted. You were a perfect playboy. If you could do that like you used to, you’d find a new girlfriend in no time.” He said.

I lifted my eyes from the book and looked at him. “Maybe I don’t want to be like that again.”

“Whatever. Be miserable.” He said, walking away.

Just before he walked through the exit, I stopped him. “Wait…”

He stopped, his hand on the door, and looked back at me.

“I’ll try it.” I said flatly. “I don’t want to, but I’ll try it.”

He smiled at me. “Good boy.”

“Why do you enjoy seeing me suffer?” I asked him coldly. “Are you a sadist or something?”

He grimaced. “It’s for your own good. No, I don’t enjoy seeing you suffer. You’re already suffering, and I’m trying to help you.

You’re going to be completely miserable until you find a new girl.” He said.

I glared at him.

“If I broke up with Rima because I have too many problems, what makes you think it’s fair for me to be with another girl who’d have to deal with my problems?”

“Then ask Rima to take you back.” He said nonchalantly.

I squeezed my hand into a fist. “That’s not an option.”

“Be miserable for all I care.” He said, scorning me.

“I can deal with that.” I hissed, gluing my eyes back in the book.

Tadase suddenly softened, looking at me sympathetically. “You’re a wreck.”

I sighed. “Yup, I know.”

Rima’s POV

Utau finished her romance novel, and Ikuto and Amu finally stopped sucking face long enough to notice that I was staring in disgust.

Amu looked at me sympathetically.

Yeah, of course she knew that I was upset but she was too selfish to stop tongue-wrestling right in front of me.

Ikuto noticed me glaring.

He turned to Amu and whispered. “Not that I care, but what’s wrong with her?”

“She’s…going through a tough time.” She whispered back.

OK, did she just say tough time?

I want to absolutely freaking SMACK her!

Ikuto looked at me once again, and noticed my furious expression.

“She’s understating things, isn’t she?” He asked me.

I nodded, my lips pursed with anger.

He left Amu’s side and sat next to me on the floor in the corner.

“So, what did happen?” He asked.

“Why should I tell you?” I growled.

“Because cats are notoriously good listeners.” He replied seriously.

Maybe I underestimated Ikuto. Maybe he wasn’t such a bad person after all.

But, the question was, could I trust him?

“Do you remember Nagihiko Fujisaki?” I asked him.

He nodded. “The Jack. Of course. He’s best friends with the little king.”

I nodded in confirmation. “Well, I fell for him and I was so confused and frustrated that I…”

I gasped. I realized Amu was listening to my story, too.

I hadn’t told her about my betrayal. She hadn’t known about my brief contract with Easter.

“That you what?” Ikuto and Amu asked.

Oh crap!

Oh crap, crap, crap! One thousand times crappity, crap, crap!

“That I… signed a contract with Easter.” I said hesitantly.

Ikuto looked at me and seemed to understand.

It was Amu who was shocked.

“Why?” She asked, gasping.

“I was thinking of quitting the Guardians.” I whispered.

Amu was about to say something, but Ikuto silenced her.

“Don’t be judgmental of her, Amu. I wanna hear what happened.” He said to Amu.

Just as I was about to tell the rest of my story, Ran, Miki, and Suu appeared. (Wow. I’m FINALLY mentioning them.)

“Rima-chan, are you OK?” Ran asked me, with Miki and Suu at opposite sides of her.

Why were Amu’s charas concerned?

I forced a smile through tears that were forming. “O-of course, don’t I look OK to you?”

Miki was staring at me now. She shook her head.

“No, you don’t.” She said softly, lifting a sketchbook in front of my face.

In the sketchbook was a drawing of a blond, curly-haired girl with tears in her bloodshot eyes.

The girl’s face was blotchy and exhausted.

Her eyes had dark purple rings under them, and there was a hideous scabby, red mark around her neck.

The girl in the picture was me.

I was an absolute mess.

Amu and Ikuto exchanged a meaningful glance before Ikuto finally spoke.

“You sort-of scream ‘attempted suicide’. Sorry.” He said.

“Is it really that obvious?” I asked in a muffled voice.

“Yeah. But, maybe I just know because I’m intuitive.” He replied.

Amu looked at me. “Sorry for getting… out of hand. I’m so insensitive lately.”

“You normally understand me and know how to be a good friend....” I said.

Amu stared at the ground.

“But, it seems like whenever Ikuto is around, you lose yourself. Your judgment goes out of whack.” I continued.

“That’s my fault. Amu still gets so worked up around me.” Ikuto said.

My eyes narrowed. “I can tell.”

He shrugged. Like a true cat, he was nonchalant and indifferent. “She can’t help it. She’s so high-strung.”

I observed Ikuto for a moment. He was so mysterious.

What was it about him that seemed to entrance Amu?

Too bad I’d probably never know.

The shady boy with blue hair that Amu seemed to love so much was gone in a flash.

The weird part was… I kinda wished he hadn’t left yet.

He was a good listener.

“I realized something, Amu.” I said.

“What?” She asked.

“It’s not Ikuto who pisses me off… it’s the way you act around him.” I replied.

“Are you jealous or something?” She asked harshly.

That’s it! She’s in for a beating!

I was so furious. I swear--- if it was physically possible, smoke would have been coming out of my ears.

I slapped her right across her face.

“No! You act like a complete idiot around him. He’s your first priority.

You need to realize that some things are more important than making out with your boyfriend!

Especially in front of your friend that just went through a bad breakup!” I yelled.

I nearly gagged at the thought.

She got that impression? She thinks I’m jealous? She’s in serious denial about her obsession.

Amu used to be reliable. Now she’s too boy crazy.

Suddenly, all the Guardians are thirteen (except Yaya…lucky her) and it’s like hormones and drama overlap what’s important:

1. Stopping Easter from obtaining the Embryo.

2. Purifying the X-eggs.

3. Protecting the dreams of children.

Unfortunately, I was recently in direct violation of #3.

I don’t want to do that anymore.

I want to forget about anything that has to do with love, school, drama…

I want to focus on what needs focusing on: Easter, the Embryo, and X-eggs.

Why does being a young teenager have to be so hard?

(Author’s note: I’m not sure if many of you would agree… but I, personally, as a teenage girl, think that is true. Being a young teen is hard :P

But, then again, most of us don’t have to battle against an evil corporation…..)

All that matters to me is protecting the dreams of innocent children who are distraught and discouraged.

Unlike me, some of them may have a chance of fulfilling their dreams.

They shouldn’t give up, and I’ll make sure they don’t.

Ahhh, why do I bother?

There’s a reason why people are so happy when their dreams come true.

As sad and unfortunate as this sounds, the truth is---- dreams coming true is rare. That’s why, on the occasion they do, it’s celebrated.

Everyone is happy when their dream, against the odds, comes true.

Some kids may make their dream come true….and they can make themselves successful, wealthy, happy, or whatever their dream may be.

But, sometimes it’s just not meant to be.

Hmm…

“Sometimes it’s just not meant to be.”

That sentence could be applied to many things.

Such as relationships.

Great, just great! There I go reminding myself of what I’m trying to forget.

Utau (who, honestly, I’d forgotten was there) spoke up.

“Suck it up.” She said.

Three simple words.

Just those words…

They seemed to define my life.

All my life, if I had a problem I just sucked it up and rarely complained.

Maybe I should be loud, obnoxious, and expressive for once.

I was going to have a big rant about how I was going to start expressing my emotions, but I chickened out.

All of my recent problems began because I decided to do something about my emotions.

When I was sad about Tara and Nagi kissing, I cried and signed a contract with Easter.

After Kusukusu told Nagi how I felt, I decided to confess it was true. Big mistake.

When Nagihiko dumped me, I was depressed and tried to hang myself.

When I was angry about the way Amu acted, I said mean things and ended up slapping her.

Now that I think of it, whenever I did anything about my emotions, I made a mess of things.

I wish there was an “off” button for emotions. My life would be a whole lot easier.

Things were better before.

I don’t like being expressive. I like to be quiet and reserved.

I want to be who I was before.

I didn’t have any problems when I was emotionless and distant.

I miss having Amu as my best friend. I can’t trust her anymore.

I want to reset things.

I want to reverse time to last semester.

Back when I was unapproachable. Back when Amu was reliable and wasn’t together with Ikuto.

Back when Nagi was nothing more than a rival for Amu’s friendship.

Why did I have to suddenly get a personality now?

Why can’t I be a loner anymore?

Why do I have to feel painful emotions?

I don’t know how people can deal with emotions.

They can make you feel a great deal of happiness, but most of the time they’re only agonizing.

Amu’s POV

I stared at Rima for a moment.

She was sitting down on the floor, appearing to be deep in thought.

I knew what she was thinking.

I always do, and she knows that I do.

She was pondering over her emotions.

She’d never felt so many different feelings, and she wasn’t sure how to handle it.

She thought of me as a stranger now, of course. That was a new emotion she was considering: Betrayal.

But, I did everything that I had been doing on purpose.

Except, of course, causing her to go to drastic measures, like she did yesterday.

I wasn’t lying when I said I had no idea she was that upset.

I would never avoid her if she really needed me that much.

I just usually know these things…

Silly Rima… she doesn’t realize everything I do know.

I know this will help her. It’ll be painful, temporarily, but it’ll be worth it in the end.

She needs to accept emotions as a part of life.

The wall she builds to keep people away from her heart is nothing more than a shield.

She’s afraid of being hurt.

It’s a part of life, though.

The shield not only blocks painful emotions, but it blocks wonderful emotions, too.

Before she let her wall down, she hadn’t experienced love or joy.

It doesn’t always work out, and pain is inevitable…

But, why would anybody give up something fantastic and magical just for the sake of preventing a few heartbreaks or hurt feelings?

Nagihiko’s POV

I was still at the library, reading another book.

Tadase had given up trying to “talk some sense” into me.

He figured I was crazy and beyond psychiatric help.

Nah. I’m not crazy.

At least, that’s what the voices in my head tell me.

I sighed. I couldn’t escape.

In the outside world, I would have to deal with my problems.

In my mind, I was telling painfully lame jokes.

I can’t get a break even inside my own mind!

I weighed the options I had.

I could exit the safe realm of my mind and deal with all my problems. Horrible.

Or, I could stay inside my own little subconscious world and think about all my problems while cracking incredibly cheesy jokes about them.

The options balanced.

They were equally torturous.

I’m supposed to be a dancer, why am I joking about anything anyways--- especially serious things?

But, I suppose with all my problems… making humor out of the seriousness is a nice way to vent.

I could see why so many people love comedy.

They could be in so much pain and have so many troubles, but laughter will make them forget about it.

Even if the relief from their problems is only temporary, they’re desperate for laughter.

Without humor, the world would surely be a dark place.

I wonder if that’s how Rima felt. I wonder if that’s her reason for loving comedy so much.

Just as I was about to decide what to do, an all-too-familiar cat-eared boy walked through the door.

Before I could speak, Tadase was glaring at him.

“Tsukiyomi Ikuto!” He yelled.

Ikuto smirked. “My, my, kiddy king. Is that any way to greet your ‘big brother’?”

What’s with these two?

When Easter finally got ahold of the Embryo, they had worked side-by-side.

Now that Amu and Ikuto are together, Tadase is jealous and spiteful again.

Tadase’s the same way he was before. He’s a two-face. He told Amu that if Ikuto and her got together, it’d be fine.

But, apparently Tadase is still Tadase. The very jealous type.

And Ikuto is…well…Ikuto.

Same ol’ smirking cat boy that fangirls seem to go crazy over.

Wait, why the heck did the writer make me say that? Since when do I acknowledge the fact that Ikuto has lots of fangirls?

…U-um.. *sweatdrop*

Uh, ok… I wasn’t expecting a random person typing in bold text…

I’m a little scared now.

Is the writer supposed to be able to communicate with us?

I looked over at Ikuto, who was looking in my direction.

He smirked and chuckled. “Don’t you realize?”

“Realize what?” I asked.

“She’s a huge fangirl of mine.” He said somewhat arrogantly.

Th-th-that’s not true!

“Yeah, whatever. You know, I’ve caught you staring at me through my window at night, Tara. Scared me half to death.” He said.

I was confused. I tilted my head. Wasn’t Tara that mean, manipulative singer’s name?

“Tara? Are you talking about---“

Ikuto cut me off. “No, not the singer for Easter. Tara is the writer’s name.”

OK! Enough about me! I’ll write what I want to write, and you just go along with it!

I went pale. “You like to torture us, though… I mean; you’ve involved near-rape, cutting, and attempted suicide…”

Ikuto looked at me. “She wrote about all the emo crap? Dang… I missed a lot.”

Sorry about that. I don’t plan that kind of dramatic stuff… it just kinda comes to me while I write. I always end up regretting it, though.

Back to the story!

Tadase looked completely furious.

Never had I seen a more bitter, frustrated, pained face.

Ikuto shrugged his shoulders. “I didn’t come here to fight you, Tadase.”

Ikuto looked at Tadase’s angry face for another moment, and then turned to me.

“I came to talk to Mr. Fancy Dance-y.” He said.

“What do you want?” I asked through my teeth.

“Well, I just talked to a short, curly-haired blonde girl. Know anything about her?” He asked.

I hissed at him. “You know who Rima is, and you know she’s a Guardian like I am. Stop playing games.”

“Am I playing games? No. But, I’ll play one right now, if you want.” He said mysteriously, a grin on his face.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“I want to play cards. To my knowledge, isn’t the Jack supposed to match up with the Queen?” He asked.

I was growing angrier by the second. How did he know about all this? Since when would he care?

“Well, the card game you’re referring to is scrambled. The rules have changed. The Jack and Queen just don’t match up at the moment.” I said.

“They’re supposed to.”

“What do you know about playing cards anyway? The Queen could also match up with the King.”

I hate speaking in symbolism.

Ikuto looked over to Tadase for a moment.

He burst out laughing and looked at me. “You’re kidding, right?”

I looked at him and shook my head.

He sighed. “I think we both know we’re not talking about a card game.”

“Yeah, I caught on.” I replied.

“You know that Rima wants to be with you, and you want to be with her. It’s not that difficult.

You’re both to the point of clinical depression because you’re not together. If that’s not love, then I don’t know what is.

Why are you trying to convince yourself that you and Rima are wrong for each other? Facts are facts.

No matter how many times you do the math, one plus one will always equal two.”

I stared at him.

He was right.

Sure, it adds up.

I love Rima, and she—I’m not sure, but maybe--- cares about me.

If the world was the way it was supposed to be, sure Rima and I could be together (if I hadn’t broke up with her already, so no chance of that happening).

But, it’s not the way it’s supposed to be.

I need to discover who I am.

If Rima was my girlfriend, I would be a burden to her.

She wouldn’t get the attention she deserves, and I’d be nothing but a grouchy pain-in-the-neck for who-knows how long.

All my life I was forced to live as a girl, so can anyone blame me for having identity issues?

“I need to find out what kind of person I really am. I wouldn’t make Rima suffer through that with me. Even if she could tolerate my moodiness while I soul-search, she wouldn’t get enough of my attention, and that wouldn’t be fair to her.” I said calmly.

“That’s a dumb excuse. You’re just a kid--- kids aren’t supposed to know who they really are yet. You go through life and have good and bad experiences. Those are what teach you who you are.

Right now, based on how you’re dealing with the current situation, I’d say you’re nothing but an oversensitive, dramatic, girly-boy.”

That hit me hard.

Sure, I’m oversensitive. I already proved that.

But, I’m not a girly-boy.

“Don’t call me that…” I said.

Ikuto looked confused. “Out of all the mean things I said, you get upset over ‘girly-boy’?”

So, Ikuto hadn’t known my secret. That’s good.

But, I was still angry.

“Just shut up, leave, and get neutered. Stupid cat.” I growled.

“Harsh. You know what I said is true, don’t you?” He replied.

He shrugged and character-changed.

“Y’know, I remember that your sister was a lot nicer than you are.” He said, laughing, before springing out of the library with cat ears and a tail.

Ha. Ha. Ha. A sarcastic one-liner about the time that I (as Nadeshiko) character changed with Temari and yelled and attacked him. Quite a violent attempt, I might add.

Well, I’d rather that he think I have an evil twin sister than think I’m an even more screwed up kid with some sort of personality disorder.

I’m a schizophrenic psychopath.

Although, I know I’m not the same person as my alter ego, I feel like I am.

I change my personality so completely, that I become an entirely different person. Yet, I don’t feel so different from that person.

That’s why I’m confused as hell.

Thinking about it is so frustrating and time consuming.

How can people expect me to be able to have a relationship with a problem like this?

“That darn Tsukiyomi Ikuto…” I heard Tadase say.

“What?” I asked.

“Everything he said to you was true, but he didn’t have to be such a jerk about it.” Tadase replied.

I glared at him. “Shut. The. Hell. Up.”

He glared back at me. “You know, ‘shut the hell up’ has a sibling. Their sibling’s called ‘you’re a jackass’.”

Tadase looked down, embarrassed of using bad language. It’s been a while since he’s been like that.

He’s been bitter since Amu and Ikuto got together, and wasn’t an innocent little prince anymore.

I kinda missed him being like that.

“What happened to our lives?” I asked.

Tadase thought for a minute and sighed.

“I don’t know. It seems like everyone’s so angsty lately. Except Yaya. Lucky her. She’ll forever have the heart and innocence of a baby. Even when she’s an adult, she’ll be a baby on the inside.” He said.

I looked at him. “Growing up sucks. I hate it. There’s too much heartbreak and drama.”

“No one said it’d be easy.” Tadase said.

“Why can’t we either be just a kid or an adult? Why does there have to be an ‘in between’ stage?” I asked.

“Because whoever created this vast universe gets a kick out of everyone’s suffering.” He whispered.

What Tadase said was his honest opinion, but he couldn’t be more wrong.

The people who suffer are the ones who bring it on themselves.

We all kick ourselves when we’re down.

Humans are born masochistic.

The only seemingly “happy” ones are fake.

Smile and wave, just smile and wave, maybe the bad feelings will go away.