Dance with the Clown

Chapter 4
Falling Apart

I looked at Jaaku, who still had his nails clawed into my bicep.

The sun glared off of Jaaku’s knife, and an idea hit me…

I bit my teeth down as hard as I could on Jaaku’s wrist.

He involuntarily released me and dropped his knife.

Without his knife, Jaaku wasn’t a threat. He turned angry, and instead of taking his anger out on me; he tried to attack Nagi.

“Nagi! Run! You can still escape!” I yelled.

“Without you? Never.” Nagihiko replied.

Jaaku looked over at me. Apparently, Jaaku thought of me as a toy that he could use to threaten Nagi.

“Go away and let me have the girl. If you don’t, well, I’ll just have to show you what I was planning to do with her.” Jaaku said, tugging at my shirt.

I started kicking and screaming, and I wondered why I didn’t have that reaction before.

When my shirt started ripping, I panicked even more. “HELP!!!!!!!!!”

I looked at Nagi, who had merciless fury in his eyes.

Nagi ran in a pure rush of adrenaline and knocked Jaaku’s head against the concrete wall of the alley.

During Jaaku’s fall, my shirt ripped almost entirely down the center. It was that moment that I realized what Jaaku had planned and how much danger I had really been in. As humiliating as it was, I broke down into tears.

I felt so exposed. So vulnerable.

Jaaku and Nagi exchanged punches before Jaaku eventually became unconscious.

Nagi walked up to me and looked me directly in the eyes. In silence, he gave me his jacket so I could cover myself.

When did my life start getting so dramatic?

Oh, yeah. A stupid semi-confession that Nagi doesn’t even remember.

I wish he would remember.

Nagi’s a hero.

He saved me from… I don’t even want to think of the word… and possibly death.

Nagi grabbed my hand and started walking with me to a place of which the whereabouts were unknown to me.

After walking about a mile, I was on a familiar street and realized Nagi was walking me home.

He knocked on my door and my mother answered.

She gasped when she saw me. “Good Lord! Rima, what happened?!”

I couldn’t bring myself to speak. I just… couldn’t.

Nagi, not making eye contact with my mother, started to talk. “Something…bad… happened.”

“Like what?!?!” My mother demanded.

“..I..was…stupid..”

My mother turned directly to me. “RIMA, DID THIS BOY HURT YOU?!?!”

Tears streamed and stained my cheeks. “No. I have no idea what he means by saying he was stupid, but he saved me.”

Nagi walked away. My mother screamed after him, furious about not getting enough information.

Nagihiko’s POV

It’s..... all my fault. I was such an idiot. I shouldn’t have left her outside alone. Small, fragile girls being left alone in shady neighborhoods doesn’t make for a good mix.

If I hadn’t made such a stupid mistake, Rima wouldn’t have been in any danger.

I can only imagine what would’ve happened if I came out of the bookstore later than I did.

Rima would be gone.

I can’t believe that Rima was in danger, all because of me…

It’s all my fault that she was grabbed by that baka Jaaku.

Rhythm followed me back to my house in silence, as if sensing he knew what I was planning.

I had no doubt that he did.

I grabbed a small but sharp knife from the kitchen and headed up to my room.

I winced when I pressed down the knife for the first cut under my wrist.

“Nagi, you know I’m never the voice of reason but even I know it’s a bad idea.” Rhythm pleaded.

I ignored him and continued to cut until it became too much for me to handle.

“Rima almost got hurt because of me… I’m just evening the score.” I finally replied.

“So, what, you’re gonna be a cutter now? How’s that gonna help?! You saved Rima, OK?! It’s even.” Rhythm snapped.

“She wouldn’t have needed saving if it wasn’t for me.” I retaliated.

I grabbed the knife again, and pressed down once more.

The blood felt like a soothing medicine. I don’t know how, but cutting released endorphins in my system that relaxed me.

Eventually I fell asleep, feeling exhausted by the unusual scornful lecture that Rhythm had been giving me for hours beforehand.

Rima’s POV

I woke up the next morning and got ready for school. My parents were never gonna let me walk to or from school ever again. Not after finding out I was almost a…rape… and kidnapping victim, and while my mother still half-suspected it was Nagihiko.

Wondering how my parents found out that was the “something bad” that happened? Yeah, I had to explain it. To both of them. At the same time.

It was mortifying and horrible to relive it.

I sat in the back seat of the car. My mom drove me, looking back every few seconds.

Kusukusu floated near my shoulder. “Are you alright, Rima-chan?”

“I’m fine, Kusukusu.” I replied.

“Rima, that event was traumatizing and you’re trying to act like you’re fine but, are you sure you don’t need counseling? You’re talking to imaginary friends.” My mother said suddenly, her voice startling me.

I blushed (Seriousy?! How many times has that been now?!).

I stared out the window---unconsciously looking for a distraction, no doubt—and saw a brown haired girl with big, hazel eyes. A foreigner… who was wearing an Easter t-shirt.

Tara. It had to be her.

She saw me looking at her, and from the look on her face I could tell that she recognized me.

Her eyes narrowed, and she pursed her lips in a mixture of anger and frustration.

What was she supposed to do? Tara couldn’t even speak Japanese.

Or so I thought.

I was dropped off at school, walking up to Amu as I do every morning. I wouldn’t dare tell her what happened, but I knew she would ask.

“Good morning, Rima. I was wondering---“ Amu got cut off in mid-sentence, listening to a conversation. I normally wouldn’t condone eavesdropping, but this sounded important.

“Did you hear about the new gaijin student?” One gossiping girl asked another.

“Of course. Apparently she’s from America. I heard she’s a new singer. She’s wearing an Easter t-shirt.” The other girl replied.

“Isn’t that the company that Utau Hoshina used to work for?”

“Yeah. I heard that Easter dropped Utau from their record label because they found the girl. The CEO of Easter was touring America and visited Ohio. He stayed in a hotel in Cleveland and discovered the girl singing in a local talent show.”

Oh my gosh. Tara is a student here?! The girls never said the new student’s name, but it was obvious who it was.

I looked at Amu and we both understood.

“Why is she going to our school?” I asked stupidly. As if Amu knew.

“Why else would a villain go to our school? The Guardians.” Amu replied. Of course she knew. I shouldn’t have been surprised.

I looked across the schoolyard and saw the same brown-haired, hazel-eyed girl that I’d seen in the car.

She immediately walked up to Amu and I.

“Queen and Joker, I’ll be watching you.” Tara said so casually that it was as if she was talking to friends. Yet, she was somehow intimidating…. And she spoke perfectly.

It’s official now: Tara is a threat.

“We’ll be prepared. Don’t worry, Tara.” Amu said confidently.

“I have no doubt, Amu Hinamori.” Tara replied, matching Amu’s confidence ten-fold.

Tara turned to me. “Now, how about you? Are you prepared? Your name is Rima, right? Ha. So this is Seiyo Academy’s cold-hearted Queen that I’ve heard so much about.”

I growled. She laughed.

“You’re nothing more than a doll.”

“I’m a comedian…. Well, I want to be…” I replied angrily.

Tara laughed so hard that I was surprised her sides didn’t split right down the center.

I would have liked to see that.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU?! A COMEDIAN?! THAT’S RICH!” She said.

“I’m glad my dream is so amusing.” I growled.

“HAHA! Maybe you have potential after all! That was the funniest thing I’ve heard in years!”

Right on cue, Nagihiko arrived on the schoolyard. Something seemed wrong, though. I couldn’t tell what made him seem so sad. He smiled just as warmly as ever, but his eyes were distant.

I looked away from Tara and turned to Amu, looking for some kind of clue.

“I’m not sure what happened, but whatever happened… he blames himself. Look under his wrists.” Amu whispered. Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder how she understands so much.

I directed my eyes under his wrists as he walked towards Amu and I….and discovered many cuts that couldn’t have been made by accident. Please, no….

“Nagihiko…” I sobbed quietly.

I had almost forgotten Tara was there, so her voice startled me. “That’s the Jack’s Chair?! Nagihiko Fujisaki? Wow…”

I looked up at Tara, my enemy, with tears swelling in my eyes, to find out what she was talking about. Although my vision was blurred, I could see that she was staring straight at Nagi with goo-goo eyes.

The same eyes that any girl (other than me, the cold-hearted Queen) who was infatuated with him would look at him with.

No. Freaking. Way.

The prospect was almost too romantic.

The new student from America falls in love with her enemy. They have a secret rendezvous and decide to run away together and live happily ever after. Almost like Romeo and Juliet, except nobody dies.

No! No! No!!!!!

Nagihiko wouldn’t be interested in her, right? Right?!

After all that happened last night, this kind of thing should barely phase me… but, it hurt so much more than any kind of torture I’d felt before.

What could one little white lie hurt?

“He’s taken.” I said flatly.

Tara pouted dramatically, mockingly. She was calling my bluff.

“By who?” She asked with fake disappointment in her voice.

“……M-me.” I tried to say evenly, but stuttered.

Amu looked at me, her jaw hanging low. “What the heck do you think you’re doing?!” She whispered.

Tara laughed. “Rima, my dear, you’re a horrible actress.”

Nagi walked up to me, completely oblivious that Amu and Tara were near.

“…Hi, Rima.” He said.

“Nagi, how did you get those cuts under your wrists?” I asked. Tears threatened to pour at any moment, but my eyes never spilled. My eyes, instead, opted to be red and puffy.

Nagi’s face grew flame red.

“I accidentally got my arm caught on barbed wire.” He replied, not making eye contact.

“Both arms? Don’t lie to me, Nagi.”

Nagihiko said nothing.

“Don’t cut yourself, Nagi! Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?! You could end up slitting a vein by accident!” I said.

Nagi was silent for a moment. “Maybe that’s what I deserve.” He finally said.

Amu broke in, breaking a trance that I hadn’t realized existed.

“What the heck is this all about?!” She asked.

Nagihiko whispered in Amu’s ear what had happened.

Amu gasped and her face turned pale.

Her eyes met mine, as if to confirm what Nagihiko had told her was true.

I nodded.

“Oh my gosh! Rima, that’s what happened yesterday?” Amu asked, just short of screaming.

“Yes.” I replied. I was just short of a monotone, and I showed no emotions.

I was trying to be the way I was before. Before I realized I liked Nagihiko, I was emotionless and strong. If I was like that, nobody would ever realize if I was scared, hurt, angry… they’d just think I’m unapproachable. Maybe that’s the way I should be. The cold-hearted Queen of Seiyo Academy.

Amu looked at me angrily. How does she always see right through me? “Rima, you’re not going to be like that again. Tara was wrong. You’re not cold-hearted in the least. You’re just scared to show how you feel. You like to guard yourself so that nobody can hurt you.”

“Protecting my feelings has worked so far. You know what I’ve gone through for the past few days. The days I finally had my guard down.” I said.

“Isn’t a little pain in the name of l---I mean, something great--- worth it?” Amu asked.

I appreciated that she stopped herself from saying “love”. Even when we’re arguing, Amu knows how to be a good friend.

“It’s not a little pain.” I said.

“Maybe, maybe not. The point is you care. That makes any kind of pain worth it. We both know what you’ve been feeling—other than pain--- and it’s wonderful, isn’t it?”

“Yes. It is.” I replied quietly.

I walked away, leaving Amu, Nagihiko, and Tara behind me.

Why doesn’t anything make sense anymore? I’ve never been so confused and frustrated.