Adolescence

Chapter 5

Spinning, spinning, around and around. Len was leading, our dance ended again. It was only 10pm, but it felt much later. Len had acted very strangely today. He'd wandered around all day as if his head were in the clouds. He'd stare off into space for long periods of time on end, supposedly day dreaming. He'd float in and out of conversations so that when you asked him a question he would snap out of his daze, asking you to repeat the question. He'd been extremely distracted, and it frightened me. All day he's walked around with his eyes in a shroud as they had been this morning when we'd had our little encounter. I'd been lying on the bed reading a book, lying flat on my stomach with my legs up so that my toes pointed in the air. Len had been in a chair on the other side of the room, supposedly also reading. Out the corner of my eye I'd noticed him staring at me, at my butt, at my legs. It made me feel very uncomfortable. I'd caught him staring at me many times today, and he could tell it was freaking me out. I'd told him I didn't want to dance tonight, but in a desperate bid to change my mind he brought out a small hammer, instructing me to hit him with it if he tried anything with me. I'd laughed when I'd seen the hammer, a hammer of all things!

So now we were dancing again, as I'd agreed, however it didn't feel...normal. It felt like there was something new growing between us, some new emotion. When I shut my eyes I felt like I was dancing with my prince. I sighed dreamily as Len lead me around the dance floor, not aware that holding me so close was torturing him inside. I could hear him taking deep breaths above me, but it didn't worry me. I was in a daze now, yearning for him to kiss me as he had in my dream...if it was in fact him. My dream came to an end as I felt his hand slipping down from my waist. I blushed to myself, not stopping him. I felt his hand finally stop on my butt. I was blushing like crazy, yet I liked it in a strange way. We danced like this for a little while, even though I knew he shouldn't have his hand there, it made me feel good. Eventually I spoke to him, my voice sounded hollow and dreamy.

"Len." I whispered. I felt him tense against me as I spoke his name. Why had I said it like that? Somehow I'd known he'd react to it. He stared down into my eyes; I smiled a little at his tortured expression. Was I...flirting with him?

"Your hand's a little...low on my back" I breathed, once again making him blush. He quickly corrected his hand position, almost silently apologising to me before we continued our dance. Why was a trying to tempt him when I'd been so nervous around him all day? I wasn't certain; it could be the darkness surrounding us, the closeness of our embrace, your heart beating in time with mine. Whatever the reason I felt very attracted to him. Oh this is dangerous, I shouldn't feel this way...his breathing had become shallow again, he was sweating. I squeezed his hand, suddenly concerned.

"Are you alright Len?" I asked gently as he stared down at me. He didn't reply, and instead pulled my body closer to his. My pulse quickened as I felt the heat between us. I suddenly felt his lips against my neck, he was kissing me! My entire body tensed, not used to this feeling. It was as if some sort of urge had spread through my entire body as he kissed my neck. I allowed a small moan to escape from my lips. I realised I liked this! Even if he was my brother it felt good, no man had ever kissed me before.

"I want you" He pressed his lips against my ear, and spoke in a soft low whisper. I was suddenly frightened, this voice didn't sound like my Len's. He lifted my body from the ground, forcing me up against the chest of drawers. Whoa, this was all going way too fast! Fear took hold of me and I slapped his arms. Were they always so strong? I was frightened of hurting him, yet suddenly even more frightened of what he might do if I didn't. I admitted to myself, I had found him attractive tonight, but I didn't want this! No, we were brother and sister this was wrong!

"Len stop it!" I gasped, staring into his face angrily. I gasped again, seeing such an unfamiliar face before me. This wasn't the Len I knew, he looked terrifying!

"It's like you're not even you when you're like this!" I blurted out. Not even this deterred him. He pushed me even further into the chest of drawers so it hurt my back and legs. He pushed his crotch up against my thigh. Through the thin fabric of my skirt I could feel him growing. I couldn't believe it, he was actually going to have sex with me, whether I agreed to it or not! I was petrified! He was too strong! He panted as if he were already doing it, and I screamed, I screamed for him not to do it! Still he didn't listen. I started to fight harder, twisting my body away from him; I refused to let him do this to me! I knocked off whatever had been upon the chest as I squirmed, wow he was strong! I twisted around, horrified by our reflections in the mirror. His face was dark, his expression cruel. I grasped the hammer sitting nearby; thankful he'd brought it now. I can't hurt him; I just need to wake him up! I held the hammer away from me, swinging it and bringing it down upon the mirror. I heard our parent's voices, and shrieked as the glass flew towards us. Despite our parent's orders for him to release me, he swiftly lifted me from the chest, kicking it out of the way. He pulled me close to his chest, taking the impact of the falling glass behind him, shielding me completely. Despite what had almost happened I whispered to him;

"Don't let go of me" but I could feel them trying to tug him away from me, hurling the word 'rape' at him. No! That wasn't what happened! It hadn't been rape, he hadn't done anything! Len dropped me on the floor, standing in front of me with his limbs spread out as if to shield me from their words. I climbed to my feet, resting my hands on his shoulder; he took each word from them as a physical blow.

"Just this morning we discussed this, just this morning, and we come home to find you raping your sister? You ought to be ASHAMED" Mother pierced him with her eyes, though here words did more of the damage. I saw him flinch when she said 'raping'. I frowned, he hadn't actually done anything to me, he hadn't!

"Mother please, he didn't rape me, we're still wearing clothes, he didn't rape me!" I cried, I'd defend him as best I could, I had to take some of the blame, I mean, I had tempted him. I even said this, but nothing melted them this time, they were steel. Each time I rushed to his defence they dismissed me, or told me not to cover up for him. I wasn't covering up for him; he hadn't managed to do anything except scare me a little.

"You are NOT sleeping together ANYMORE" Our father declared, seizing Len roughly by his wrist dragging him away from me. Mother held me back as I reached out for him. I screamed his name, I screamed it so loud that my voice broke and it wasn't comprehensible. I sobbed as mother lead me away from the scene, into the kitchen. She rubbed my back comfortingly, kindly making me some hot chocolate. She attempted to coax me into telling her what had happened. Between sobs I did tell her, not in quite as much detail, but I explained to her, and father when he returned, that it wasn't Len's fault.

"Look honey, if he hurt you, you mustn't cover up for him, tell us please, we won't be mad at you" Our mother smiled encouragingly at me. I'd had enough. I was exhausted, my eyes ached from crying, and I was tired of being called a liar! I slammed the empty mug down on the table, glaring at them through my blurry vision.

"Look, I'm going to make this perfectly clear, Len DID NOT rape me, yes he kissed me, but that is all, if he had raped me I would've told you ok? I can't tell you anymore because there is NOTHING more to tell!" I fumed. They gave me a sympathetic look as if I'd gone crazy. Father lay a supportive hand on my shoulder.

"You must be tired, why don't you get some sleep? Don't worry Len's in a separate locked room, and won't bother you again to night." He spoke calmly to me. I rubbed my temples, fed up of arguing; I simply nodded and let him and mother lead me to my bedroom. They tucked me into bed as if I were still a child. Hah, none of this would've happened if I were still a child. Planting loving kisses on my forehead, telling me it would be ok, even offering to change the cream bed covers back to my favourite color, yellow, the following day. I lay awake in bed long after they'd left. They'd switched the hall light off, leaving me in complete darkness. I was so frightened and cold without Len to cuddle up to. Part of me wondered if Len would've gone the whole way with me if I'd let him. Another part of me wondered if I would've enjoyed it...no, I didn't want my first time to be like that. I eventually fell asleep thinking of Len, hoping he was okay on his own...