For A Sick Boy

Chapter 10
Words of Love

So...

It's come to this.

The end of my story.

Gah, I'm sorry for all the unnecessary melodrama. Lines like that belong to scary campfire stories or stupid Final Fantasy games.

Don't take that last comment to heart. I love those games, really- even if the storylines make me roll my eyes sometimes. You expect me to get overly-emotional about blocky bastardized 3D characters minus eyes and noses? Good luck with that.

…The graphics in those games have improved a lot, though. It's different now.

That's a little depressing.

Time marches on, I guess.

Time I'll never get back.

Rin and I used to play those games together when we were younger. We'd sit down on that beaten-up couch (that couch has always been old and falling apart ever since I can remember) and strain our eyes at our teensy-tiny TV screen whilst our barely-working games console whirred and made dying noises in the background.

…Okay, okay, I'll admit it.

I cried when Aeris died.

Even though she was a bundle of strangely-animated polygons with arms like sausages.

Rin laughed at me- but she got strangely misty-eyed, too.

…Geez.

I'm using far too many 'epic work of fiction' lines, aren't I?

'This is the end of my story'- fssh.

Excuse me whilst I roll my eyes at my own pretentiousness.

I'm no Auron.

My life isn't Final Fantasy.

I'll get started on the 'it was a dark and stormy night' lines next- and then I'll completely lose all my credibility, won't I?

Not that I had too much to begin with.

It's lucky I don't take myself too seriously (I can't, having a sister like Rin who constantly teases me).

You want to know how it ended, I suppose.

You want to know what Rin did after I kissed her.

Of course you do- I'm not going to berate you for being curious! That's perfectly okay, fine, good- base human nature, human instinct, and it's only natural. Why else do you think there are so many cautionary messages in fairytales? To stop curious children wandering into the woods- just like in Little Red Riding Hood- because all people, from the day they're born to the day they die, are insufferably, incurably curious.

It's only natural you'd be curious about the fate of a sick boy who broke social conventions- did something deemed 'abnormal' by the nameless, faceless masses- and fell in love with his twin sister.

I don't fault you for wondering.

If our positions were reversed I'm sure I'd be questioning you, too.

Is talking to me like watching an animal in a zoo?

Is it like looking at a dual-headed monstrosity behind bars?

Is it making you feel better about yourself?

Is it?

'Thank goodness my life isn't that bad'. Is that what you're thinking?

Is it?

It is, right?

Right?

…

…

Ah...

I'm...

I'm sorry to sound so judgmental. I can't help it. That's also… force of habit. Just like being curious. I've always been kind of paranoid, anyway. I've always been afraid of other people 'judging' me; but I judge them, too- automatically assuming they're giving me labels in their heads when their eyes meet mine.

Sick.

Twisted.

Abnormal.

You'd have a bigger right than anyone to call me that- because you know what I am.

You...

You know me.

Kagamine Len.

You know everything about me.

I can't hide from you.

I can't pretend.

Maybe you're not judging me and maybe I've made an incorrect assumption. Maybe I'm just being paranoid (again)- and I'm the one, in fact, judging you; putting words into your mouth you would never actually say, would never even think.

I don't know.

You know me, but I don't know you at all that well at all.

I have no information to judge you with.

That… doesn't stop me from doing it, though.

And that doesn't stop me from being paranoid.

Paranoia doesn't make much sense. I know, logically, the whole world isn't out to get me... Why would the whole world care about little old me anyway? It's arrogant, at best, to assume the whole world really places that much significance on individuals with their individual problems.

I'm sure most people, in reality, don't care.

There must be other people in the world suffering just like me- with afflictions of the mind rather than the body- but…

But I don't know who they are.

I wouldn't be able to tell them from anybody else if they walked past me in the street.

If you can't visibly see something 'wrong' with another person, your eyes don't linger on them too long. You can't help judging people based on their clothes and outward appearance- but they flicker in and out of your life for a few seconds, and then they disappear, and you forget about them altogether.

To the rest of the world, I might as well be an ant, or a stain on the pavement. Something noticed once, and then deemed 'unimportant'.

In the grand scheme of things, my suffering doesn't matter.

Nobody cares.

Nobody cares apart from those closest to me.

I have no reason to be paranoid.

I have no reason to fear the whole world.

The whole world doesn't know who I am.

But...

I-I...

Well.

I still feel paranoid all the same.

I-I can't really describe it.

…

You want to know about Rin, right?

You still want to hear about her. I knew you would.

I-I'm sorry… I've been rambling for a while about… nonsense, really.

Nothing.

This about Rin.

Rin Rin Rin.

Ha.

My whole life has been about Rin.

A-and…

And…

I-if you were hoping Rin would hate me after my confession, or push me away, or stare at me in horror, then...

Then I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint you.

When I kissed Rin the final domino fell down. Everything was left in ruins around me- and I couldn't hide anymore. The chain reaction that had started with Miku- or the razorblade- or Tei- or maybe even the day I was born- had finally finished.

I had finished it.

Rin knew my secret.

I couldn't take that kiss back.

I couldn't pick up the dominoes, dust them off, and stand them back up again.

It was over.

Game over, right? But, unlike in video games, you can't redo things in the real world- you can't go back in time and erase your past actions if they come back to haunt you.

I knew that after what I'd done to Tei.

You have to live with your past and accept the consequences of it.

Let the chips fall where they lie.

Actions speak louder than words- and I've always been useless at verbal communication. You've probably noticed this already. As I've been talking you I keep breaking off, looking at my hands, losing my train of thought, getting stuck for words... Ahaha.

I'm probably doing it now.

You're waiting.

You want to know what Rin did.

I still haven't told you- not really.

I've been dodging the subject.

So cowardly…

Well...

I-I feel like I've been building up to this ending for some time- l-like I'm telling you a fairy story or something. I've been... distancing myself from this, I suppose; pretending I'm talking about another Kagamine Len, or another person altogether, because it's easier to deal with it all that way.

But I can't distance myself anymore.

I can't pretend I'm not talking about me.

This… isn't just about Rin anymore, I guess.

This is about me, too.

My feelings mean something- it's not just about Rin.

I've been building up to this moment...

A-and I'm sorry if it sounds anti-climatic... but life often is.

Rin didn't shout at me.

She didn't hit me.

She didn't hate me.

When I drew away her eyes were wide, and she was shaking slightly. Her fingers were knotting together, tugging at the sleeves of her ratty green cardigan. Her fingernails were painted with chipped yellow polish that contrasted with her green cardigan and those pink beads. Rin had a nervous habit of biting things; pens, her lower lip, her fingernails- and, as such, her nails were so short there was little point in them being painted. But she did it anyway. A small blush was spread across Rin's cheeks- painting across her freckles more effectively than make up ever could've done.

Rin...

M-my sister...

She was so pretty.

There was no hatred in her large blue eyes.

Only confusion.

"L-len... H-how long have you... u-um... 'liked' me?" Rin asked- her voice unusually soft and shy.

"All my life," I answered.

A small smile spread across Rin's lips. It looked as though she was trying to stop its progression- kill it before it spread, like a disease, before the smile became an epidemic- but she couldn't. Her smile cut through her previous shocked expression without Rin's permission, lighting her face up like a sunbeam. Her eyes sparkled like ocean waves and various other overly cliché metaphors you could find every sentence or so in a romance novel- and she looked so beautiful it nearly took my breath away.

Not that I was hyperventilating or anything.

That would have been way uncool.

My heartbeat did seem to stagger in my chest though.

Rin reached forwards- and, still smiling that smile she was trying to conceal (and doing a very poor job of it, too; just like her black eye)- Rin reached forwards and tugged at a spike of my carefully-styled her.

"Duhh. I know you've loved me all my life, idiot. I'm amazing!~" said Rin, smirking.

"Of course. Everybody loves you," I said.

"Exactly!~" said Rin.

"All hail her highness Kagamine Rin?" I asked.

"That's Lady Kagamine Rin to you. Or maybe Master Rin. Kagamine Rin, Princess of the Universe?" suggested Rin.

"Kagamine Rin is the most selfish, arrogant person in the universe, certainly," I shot back.

"Kyah! You're so mean!" Rin squealed.

I couldn't help but laugh at this, even though my heart was in my mouth and I could hardly breathe. I began to worry I was hallucinating- that Rin hadn't really accepted me; that my mind was showing me a dream to... soothe the pain of being rejected, I suppose.

Rin and I were talking to each other as though nothing had changed.

It was almost as if she still liked me.

It must have been a dream- a fantasy.

A desperate imagining.

My feelings were sick- ridden with worms like a rotten carcass- and they weren't meant to be accepted. No sane person would've accepted the 'love' of their sibling, would they?

Rin might have been a kind person, but surely she wasn't that accepting?

Surely not?

Was I asleep?

Was it a dream?

But when Rin poked me in the cheek with her finger it hurt.

I could feel it.

T-that meant it really happened… doesn't it?

Pain makes things real.

It wasn't some merciful hallucination, or a memory of happier times gone by.

It was the truth.

It was real.

Rin...

Rin really didn't hate me.

I laughed from relief more from humor, I think- and Rin joined in, until we were both a giggling pile of arms and legs and cushions.

"L-len... That wasn't a joke, was it? D-do you really... 'love' me?" Rin asked, her voice softer- strangely serious- as she peered over the top of a cushion she had held in her hands.

A lump formed in my throat and I couldn't talk- I could hardly breathe.

I couldn't even think.

Instead, I nodded.

"For how long...?" Rin asked.

"A-about three years," I managed to answer. My voice sounded labored, thick as treacle. My words came from my mouth inelegantly like syrup; and they stuck in my throat. I winced at how idiotic I sounded.

Smooth, Len.

Real smooth.

I'd thought about confessing to Rin for so long- but, when it finally came down to it, the words weren't there. I'd lost the ability of human speech completely, and I didn't know what to say. I must have looked like such an idiot.

Or maybe I looked like a shy boy with a crush.

A 'normal' crush- but 'normal' doesn't mean much, does it?

It's just a word.

A single word.

And human beings are so complex words like that don't really do the complex feelings in their heads and hearts justice.

Maybe…

Maybe 'sick' was an unfitting adjective too, then.

Maybe I wasn't 'sick' at all.

Instead, I was just…

Just me.

Kagamine Len.

And that was all there was too it.

Being in love with Rin didn't change me. It was merely another part of me that made up 'Kagamine Len'- those feelings didn't detract from 'me', or make me any less 'me', at all. Instead, those feelings added to it. To 'me'.

All the thoughts and feelings I'd ever felt didn't take anything away from the mess of personality traits and talents and hobbies that made up 'Kagamine Len'; instead, it added to it.

Some of my thoughts and feelings were contradictory.

But humans are like that, aren't they?

And Rin wasn't recoiling away in disgust, and she wasn't glaring at me with hate-filled eyes.

She wasn't crying.

Instead Rin was sat by my side- as she always had been in the past- with a small smile on her face.

M-maybe I had been stupid for being so worried about Rin's reaction. Social customs and pre-conceived notions of 'right' and 'wrong' don't mean that much.

They mean nothing; and they carry less meaning than the air that we breathe.

Whether I was 'normal' or not had never factored into it when it came to Rin. She loved me because I was her brother- and she'd take the good parts with the bad, because I was a human being and all humans are flawed.

But just because you have a few flaws, it doesn't mean you're defective.

It doesn't mean nobody will love you.

If that was the case, humans would always be alone.

A-and humans weren't built to be alone. We're social creatures at heart.

"Aren't you... disgusted? I mean, it's not normal," I said softly- hardly daring to look at Rin; but I couldn't tear my eyes away.

I like looking at pretty things.

I'm only human.

"I know... I know it's not normal... And maybe I should be 'disgusted'. B-but I'm not."

"R-rin..."

"I mean, I'm not thrilled about it either! I-it's hard to explain- b-but I'm not jumping for joy because my dorky five-minutes-younger-than-me socially inept little bro has a crush on me," said Rin, her face flushing scarlet, as she tried to explain herself- her words fragmenting. Some of her words were harsh, but they didn't cut into me.

They didn't hurt.

Rin was just being Rin- her usual tactless, artless, graceless self. She always talked about me like that, but I knew she didn't mean it; not really. The more she insulted me, the more she cared.

And she did care.

I could see all that love welling up in her eyes; radiating across her imperfect but still strangely beautiful face.

"'Dorky'? After I just poured my heart out to you? Gee, thanks," I said, feigning hurt- and Rin smiled, giving my piece of flyaway, sticking-up hair another tug.

"Okay, okay, don't try and make me feel guilty," said Rin.

"You should feel guilty. You're tearing me apart over here," I said.

Rin laughed at this, and tug-tug-tugged at my poor, abused piece of hair again- saying something about how I was a 'dork.'; "a loveable dork, but still a dork."

"I-I'm not... I'm not in love with you. I-I love you, Len-Len, but not... Not like that. Never like that," said Rin.

I nodded. The words hurt- but they were better than the rage I had expected.

And a mature rejection was far, far better than disgust.

It was better than fear.

It was better than what I had expected.

Maybe it was better than I deserved.

Rin always had been too kind.

"B-but I'm not going to push you away. I won't. I could never do that!" said Rin, her voice determined. "You're still my brother. A-and I'm glad you told me what was wrong. I-I was worried something serious was eating at you, like you'd contracted some weird disease! T-that would be terrible! What if I caught it? I wouldn't wanna quarantine my little bro! And, even though I don't feel the same... I-I'll... I'll always love you."

My eyes widened. I was the one blushing now- just like a school girl in an ero game (n-not that I've played many of those... N-no, really! O-okay, maybe once or twice, but that's beside the point).

"Y-you really mean it?" I ask.

"Of course I do, idiot. I don't say things I don't mean," Rin said, smirking- flicking me in the forehead.

"T-that's cruel... W-way to kick a guy down when he's been rejected," I said.

"I'm sorry, but you got so gross I couldn't help it! You're dripping sentimentalities all over the place! I can't deal with things like that!" said Rin.

"Deal with this then!" I said- and, childishly, I pulled the cushion out of Rin's hands, and smushed it against her face.

Rin's hair ribbon was knocked askew, and bits of blonde hair stuck up at strange angles from my carefully-calculated, cold-blooded attack.

In a few seconds we both started throwing cushions at each other, shrieking like grade school children- both of us smiling.

Both laughing.

Because...

I-in the end, 'normal' doesn't matter.

'Right' and 'wrong' are just concepts; they don't mean anything.

We can't help how we feel...

A-and if people really care about each other... I guess how you feel doesn't matter all that much.

Because they'll accept you no matter how twisted you are.

And no matter how 'sick' you may be.

H-huh?

Oh, I'm sorry. I sound pretty sappy, don't I. T-that's what Rin said as well...

Ahaha.

I hate sounding this corny.

B-but, you know what...

I'm not an optimist or a pessimist.

I'm a realist.

And, despite that, I think it's not too deluded to believe you can, every once in a while, have a happy ending.

No matter who you are.

There are lots of humans in the universe.

And I'm sure even the loneliest of people can find others who'll accept them and love them no matter who they are.

It's simple mathematics.

There are so many people in the world- so there's really no excuse for anybody being alone.

And, if you are alone… there's somebody out there who can comfort you.

Who can accept you.

It's a logistical probability grounded in common sense; and I'd say, given the billions of people that populate our planet, it's a 100% certainty.

That, too, is just a part of life.

And forgiveness...

T-that's also a part of human nature, too.

People will hurt you, and you'll hurt them.

But you'll always forgive them in the end.

Because nobody wants to be alone.