Chapter 6
The Hedgehog's Love
Do you want me to take my jacket off now? I already told you what I did, so… I guess it doesn't really matter.
It won't be too much of a surprise.
I'm not sure why I refused to show you in the first place. I knew I'd end up telling you, anyway. There's something… compelling about you.
You make me want to talk.
You make me feel like I have to talk.
Maybe it's because you're the first person that has really asked me.
I-I've been waiting for somebody to ask me… for so long…
And nobody ever did.
I probably would've resented them if they had asked uncomfortable questions- but please forgive me for that contradiction. I don't need to be happy or angry; I can be both.
Generally I feel so many things I can hardly classify them at all.
It's probably… helpful… having somebody to discuss this with. Somebody removed from my daily life- so even though you're judging me (everybody judges everyone; I'm sure you do it to people you've never spoken before when you see them walking by in the street) it won't affect me too much.
Did I just say 'I don't care about your opinion'?
…I think I did.
Or, at least, I implied it.
I'm sorry if that sounded rude. It's a compliment, really. I feel like I can talk to you, and you'll listen- and it's helping me sift through these thoughts.
Just a little.
I'm not going to say something cliché or corny like 'I can trust you', because I can't. If you put too much trust in anyone, they'll turn around and stab you in the back; intentional or not.
If you get too close to other people, they'll hurt you.
It's just the way of the world.
I've hurt people.
I hurt Tei- and I regret it; I wish I hadn't- but that doesn't change anything.
You can't apologize to a dead girl.
My feelings don't matter.
I still hurt her.
So I don't trust you.
I don't think I ever will.
But I don't really trust anybody anymore; not even myself. So that's okay. 'Trust' doesn't matter. It's a… strange concept; but human beings are strange creatures. Do you truly believe somebody would save you over themselves? You might say 'of course I would- I'm your friend'- but, in reality, nobody's that selfless.
Nobody.
If push comes to shove, most human beings- selfish creatures that they are- will think of themselves rather than their friends.
Those Hollywood movies where people sacrifice themselves for their loved ones, or even- in some cases- the whole universe…
I-I don't know.
How many people would really act like that, outside of movie scripts and on TV? And those people are only actors.
Even if you did sacrifice yourself for somebody else, that wouldn't be purely based on compassion, would it? If you lived and somebody you cared about died, and you knew you could've saved them, it would tear you apart.
It would…
I-I know how that feels…
A-and I didn't even know Tei that well.
So a motivation for self-sacrifice is selfishness. A selfish fear of feeing guilty- and an attempt to push that guilt onto somebody else.
It doesn't matter how kind people are, or how caring; it doesn't change the fact they're all selfish.
And they'll always, always judge other people, based on their appearances before they know their personalities- because your looks matter. Some people say 'not to me'- but they're lying.
…I'm not even sure where I'm going with this anymore.
I'm sorry.
Ahahaha…
I-I think I was trying to justify my rude nature before. I'm sorry that I can't trust you, and I know you're judging me- but, regardless of that (despite your human faults and flaws), I still feel comfortable around you.
I'll…
Still talk to you.
Because it helps talking about these things- it really does.
So, I'll show you.
Not because I trust you or because I think you're, somehow, a 'better' human being than all the other human beings I've met- of course you're not. We'll all exactly the same deep, deep down; the same species, the same instincts, the same selfish nature ingrained in our brains since birth.
But I'll show you because, despite all that, I like you anyway.
Yes, it's not rational, I know; but if human beings were rational they'd all live alone in caves.
And I need to show somebody.
People weren't designed to be alone their whole lives. Forming relationships will invariably hurt you, because people do stupid things- uncaring things; and sometimes they just don't think how their actions will impact other people. Like hedgehogs trying to huddle together for warmth, human beings will pierce the flesh of those that care about them most with sharp spines…
But humans can't be alone, either.
Being alone is probably… even more terrifying… than being hurt.
O-okay…
I'll show you.
I haven't shown anybody else before- but it's easier with you.
Maybe it's because you're a stranger.
Right…
I'll let you see what my own confusion and fear and… self-loathing, I guess… made me do to my body.
You can even go 'ooh' and 'ahh' like you're watching a freak show, if you want- if that'll make you feel better.
N-no, I knew you wouldn't do that really- I'm joking.
It's just a joke.
I-I think.
…
I-I can see the way you're looking at me- eyes wide with surprise. How could you do this to yourself? Is that what you want to ask?
Haha…
It's not that difficult, really. Anybody could do it.
You could do it.
Maybe you've thought about doing it before, if too much pressure falls upon you and can't cope all by yourself and you want somebody to notice you're suffering but you're too shy to reach out and tell them-
So you reach for a razor instead; or a knife; or something, anything, that can cause enough pain if it you dig it into the skin long enough.
A pen. A compass. A ruler, even? I know it's pretty blunt, but if you keep cutting and cutting eventually it'll hurt and it'll still leave scars.
It's what some people do… if they can't talk to people.
They hurt themselves.
And then they hope somebody else will see those scars- even though they pretend they don't want anybody to know- and offer them some help. They hope somebody will see the physical representation of their pain, so they don't have to give a verbal account of it which might be too difficult to give- and that person will reach out their hand and pull them out of their darkness.
Maybe it is 'attention seeking'.
But it's deeper than that- and people who give confused, lost, lonely people like that horrible labels don't… really understand.
Or maybe they understand all too well- and they want to distance themselves from it. Push it away, and pretend they've never felt that depressed before.
Y-you say you've never thought about it?
Not even once?
…Maybe that's for the best.
These marks look hideous, don't they? They're ugly; red scars, raised flesh; some are healed, but others look… newer…
N-no, I haven't quite shaken this habit yet.
I'm sorry.
Some scars run together in parallel lines, others slicing nonsense patterns with no real meaning…
It's not just my arms, though. There are some marks on my legs, up to the thigh- because I reasoned it'd be easier to hide those than any cuts on my wrists… B-but that didn't really work after a while. I-it became too painful to sit down, and I kept squirming in my seat- opening up old wounds; and then the blood would clot, matting my pants to my legs so it hurt when I had to peel them off the red-raw irritated skin…
I-it might have been more practical to keep slicing my legs, because it was harder to notice- but…
B-but…
Y-you're right.
It would have been more practical to stop altogether.
I know that.
Its sick- disgusting- weird; all of that- and… I-it's…
Miserable, too.
Depressing.
I should have told somebody- but who could I have turned to? I didn't want Rin to realize; I didn't want Rin to hate me, or turn against me. Logically, I knew she'd do neither. Rin was my sister- I loved her- and I knew she'd never treat me a leper; she wouldn't shun me.
She'd try to help.
She would.
Logically, I knew all that.
But 'logic' has no place with human emotions.
If Rin ever looked at me as though I was sick, I…
I wouldn't know what to do…
So I tried to keep it a secret. I kept away from people- and I'd flinch when they touched me, or inadvertently tug at the sleeves of my shirt; a-and it felt…
It felt like I'd done something terrible.
Like I'd committed a murder.
I-I'd already helped murder Tei…
A-and I was doing it to myself, too. Because I couldn't face the visions that ran through my head at night- and I couldn't face the thoughts of Rin that swirled through my mind- and I couldn't face looking at Neru every day as she became more and more beaten down and broken…
I-I could hardly face being alive anymore.
And I didn't know who to turn to.
The people at school all began to look the same. They had different features and appearances, personalities, yes- but, deep down inside, they were all the same. I knew they wouldn't hasten to laugh at me whilst I was down; because I was different – I had the marks on my arms to prove I was different- and they would pick up on that.
They'd eat me alive.
Everywhere I turned to, everyone I saw… I-I could only see enemies. People with empty eyes, glassy like marbles- and cruel smiles.
I couldn't look anybody in the eye anymore- not even when I walked from one end of the school field to the other, or went out at night to get a pint of milk from the local supermarket.
People were…
T-they were… scary…
A-and I had to duck my head whenever I saw them.
I think I was afraid.
I-I…
I know I was afraid.
Living my whole life filled with fear for… Well…
Everything.
I was afraid my secret would be found out.
Other humans had blank eyes and cruel smiles- gathering around in groups like locusts- their light-hearted conversations buzzing hatefully through my head; all of them looking at me, judging me-
A-and whenever I passed other human beings the ugly marks on my arms and legs would seem to burn…
A shameful reminder of what I'd done.
Of what I was still doing.
Am still doing.
I-I think I was… a little paranoid…
Ahaha.
I don't think 'a little' can even begin to cover it- because, for a period of time, I truly felt like… I-I was going… a little insane…
I didn't even feel like myself anymore.
Not Kagamine Len.
I was…
A stranger- even to myself.
A sick child who needed help.
I'd always been shy, but this was a… crippling fear; so intense I could hardly drag myself out of bed in the mornings. It weighed down on me so heavily it felt like I was drowning- trying to struggle for air; and the people around me (the world was filled with so many people; I couldn't believe I'd never noticed that before) were dragging me back under so my lungs filled with salt water.
The scars on my wrists were a secret- a mark of how I'd betrayed Tei, betrayed Rin, betrayed myself- a-and I didn't want anybody to find out.
I couldn't let anybody find out.
And yet, at the same time, I…
I…
I-I think I wanted somebody to notice.
I think I wanted somebody to see me tugging at my sleeves and ask 'what's wrong?' A-and if somebody had asked, I would have panicked- pushed them away; told them I was fine…
I know that.
So why did I want them to ask to begin with?
B-but…
If somebody had known…
I-I think I would have felt a little better.
Not quite so alone.
But that's the dilemma, isn't it?
I wanted somebody to know just how much I was hurting. After all, a trouble shared is a trouble halved- b-but maybe there are some troubles you shouldn't burden other people with.
Sometimes sharing your secrets can make people turn against you, hate you- and that… would feel even worse…
It was a conflicting desire that nearly tore me apart- far more than the razor blade against my skin ever could.
I didn't want anybody to know.
I couldn't let them know.
I was afraid.
After all, if they managed to find out about the scars on my wrists, how long would it be before they uncovered all my other secrets? They'd ask 'why?' Why are you doing this?
And I'd have to tell them about Tei.
About Rin.
I could hardly say 'no reason'- because they wouldn't believe me; and telling people these secrets might destroy me completely…
A-and yet, at the same…
I wanted somebody to know.
I really, truly did.
I-I don't think I would have cut myself if I hadn't- because that created physical evidence of my suffering and confusion; a confusion I couldn't have communicated through mere words- that I didn't even understand myself.
But with those scars, everybody would have known.
All I would've have to have done was show them.
I wanted somebody to know… B-but I didn't know who I could talk to. So I retreated into myself, trying to push everyone who could've potentially helped away- even Miku.
S-so, my attempts to seek help…
Were quite counter-productive, I guess.
I only made matters worse for myself.
I-I'm…
Very good at doing that.
It's probably my best talent.
Hahaha…
I-it's not really that funny.
At all.
B-but it feels better to laugh about it.
After Tei's death, people said I 'began to change'. They said I was becoming softer, more withdrawn- even more so than usual. I think Rin said, at one point, 'geez, Len! If you become any quieter you're going to force yourself through sheer stubbornness into non-existence!'
I just smiled and told Rin she was being silly.
It wasn't like I was going to die.
Rin gave me a funny look at that- and not an amused 'funny' look. She'd been holding an orange in one hand, fingers stained yellow with sticky juice, and she'd been about to pop a segment into her mouth…
When she stopped.
She stopped, and then turned to look and me- really look at me.
"I never said anything about 'dying'," she said.
So I said- trying to force another smile- that I was just over-exaggerating.
Rin said, that segment of orange still poised at her lips, other hand holding the orange so tightly more juice was squeezed out onto her fingertips, that I didn't usually over-exaggerate.
That was her job.
I just shrugged.
My response was probably unsatisfactory, but it seemed to calm her down.
But, as Rin's blue-eyed stare continued to piece through me, I felt the cuts zigzagging across my skin- hidden underneath my baggy sweater- begin to… ache, almost.
All of a sudden, those scars felt very conspicuous. Even though Rin couldn't see them, I felt sure she knew.
How could she know?
I was being paranoid again, of course. It was a familiar feeling that plagued me- following me everywhere; even in my dreams.
I always cleaned the bathroom up after I used it- and I was practical person. I always cut myself in the bathroom; sat under the shower, letting the droplets of too-hot or too-cold water (because our shower had been broken for a while and we never got around to fixing it) wash my blood down the drain in trails of light red, almost pink, water.
The worst part was when the drain became clogged with pieces of flesh- some of them too large to get washed away; a reminder of what I'd done… A-and I had to pick those pieces of my own skin out of the plug hole, bit by bit, with trembling fingertips, and throw them away…
T-that was the worst part.
B-but…
But nobody had to know.
It was easier that way.
Even though I wanted them to know.
I-I really did…
"Len," Miku would say to me (she said this frequently, ever since Tei's death), her eyes filled with worry, "what's wrong? Why are you acting so distant? A-are you okay?"
And I would smile at her- force a smile, even though Miku scared me now and her eyes looked just as glassy as everybody else's.
Almost dead.
Like Tei's did in my dreams; flies crawling across her unblinking red eyes, some landing in her perpetually open mouth.
Another reminder.
This is what happens if you let people trust you.
You'll only disappoint them.
Kill them.
And they trusted you.
"I'm okay," I would say.
Miku would try to argue, "b-but-", but she was never the most argumentative person, and she'd only feel guilty pushing me too hard. So, after a few seconds' defiance, she would smile- a forced smile as see-through as plastic- and she would prod her chopsticks back into her bento box again.
"Okay then," Miku would say- eating our lunch together in frosty silence, whilst everybody else in the canteen laughed and talked together in the background. I didn't eat that much anymore, not really; memories of Tei haunted me, and food seemed to turn to ashes in my mouth. "Okay… You're alright then, Len?"
"I'm okay."
"Good," Miku would then say- and this part always hurt the most; tearing up at my heart like brambles and barbed wire. "Because you'd tell me if there was anything wrong… Because we're friends. We're friends, and I trust you. Y-yeah… I know that. I-I'm being silly."
She repeated it to herself- as though she were trying to convince herself of this fact.
A-and…
And I think she managed to.
Miku really, truly trusted me. I could tell by the misty look in her eyes- the same look Tei had given me in the classroom that one time, when she thought she could turn to me for help.
Trust.
I-it's…
It's a stupid emotion.
You should know by now- I know- that you can't 'trust' anybody. Y-you shouldn't even trust me… I-I mean, I think I've already shown you by now I'm not the most balanced, reliable person; a-and when Tei got too close to me…
S-she might as well have pulled her own ribcage open with her fingers- bones splintering, fingernails tearing off and blood running down her chest.
She might as well have invited me to break her exposed heart with my own hands herself.
Because that's what I did- and I'm meant to be a nice person.
Miku trusted me.
She believed in me.
But that's a stupid emotion- and I always thought Miku was naïve; still believing in fairytale happy endings and forcing me to watch old Disney movies with her, curled up together under her duvet whilst we ate ice cream.
She still believed human beings were redeemable- and they weren't all selfish.
Maybe…
I-I don't know.
Miku is the kindest person I've met- and I love her; I truly love her.
But she's… a little dense, I suppose; or maybe she was just trying to forget how cruel human beings could be by burying herself in a fantasy world. Maybe that was why she kept tying her hair up in those girlish pigtails, even into high school- because she wanted to be a child again…
She wanted to keep being happy.
And she wanted to trust me.
But, despite my love for Miku, at that moment, when she said 'I trust you'…
I-it…
I-it's going to sound horrible- b-but it made me hate her.
It truly made me hate her.
She was too loving, too trusting- and why should she 'love' somebody like me? I-I'm only a human being- I'd only disappoint her; and it felt an awful lot like what Tei had done.
It felt like Miku was inviting me to hurt her.
Inviting me to betray her trust.
And turning me into a monster.
Turning me into a monster for simply being human.
I-I…
I-I hate being trusted…
I-it's too much responsibility; and it's inevitable that I'd only break their trust again and again and again- because I'm kind of…
I'm kind of useless.
In case you haven't noticed.
I betray people's expectations and I break their hearts- and when Miku said 'I trust you' she might as well have said 'please hurt me'. She might as well have invited me to carve a hole in her chest and take my heart between her fingertips and squeeze, keep squeezing, until it burst.
I'd done that to Tei.
Why couldn't I do that to Miku, too?
There was nothing to stop it.
N-not because I'm inherently cruel or sadistic- b-but because I'm weak, and cowardly, and so confused I didn't know if I should open my heart up to other people (and get it torn by thorns and brambles) or shut it away and condemn myself to fester in my own misery.
B-but Miku…
G-god…
Miku was…
Only the tip of the ice berg.
Because something worse happened after that.
S-something far worse…
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