For A Sick Boy

Chapter 5
Love Carved In My Chest

I don't hate her, you know.

I couldn't.

It would be hypocritical of me- and probably quite cruel. I'm many things (shy, selfish, sick. Human. Oh so very human it hurts, because we all have flaws and faults, don't we?), but I don't think I've ever tried to be deliberately mean to anyone.

At least, I hope I haven't.

From time to time, sure- I've probably said some cruel things to certain people, who most likely didn't deserve it; but I don't like hurting other people's feelings.

It's…

It's not a nice feeling, really.

And because of that, I could never bring myself to despise her.

Not me.

Lots of people in my class did. They were… really quite horrible to her.

But they didn't have to be.

They didn't need to hate her.

It was fairly obvious she hated herself enough already.

…Oh?

You want to know who I'm talking about?

Didn't I tell you…?

Ahh- that's a little embarrassing. I'm sorry. I thought you would have known. Was I rambling? Maybe I should have explained it a little more… But I'm always doing that. Talking about nothing- not clarifying my words- speaking nonsense.

No- its okay.

I'll try to make more sense next time, heh.

Let's see…

I'm talking about Akita Neru.

Do you know her?

Yes- I see the realization light up in your eyes. By this point, I should stop asking you if you know these people- because I think you do.

I'm consigned to the fact that you do.

You know an awful lot.

Can I test you?

Do you know the wing speed velocity of a swallow…?

Ahaha, don't look so worried. I'm teasing you.

I didn't expect you to know that.

…I think.

I'm sorry- that was irrelevant.

I keep apologizing, don't I? We'll never get anywhere like this.

…Maybe I'm just trying to distract myself.

Distract you.

It's easier avoiding a problem than facing it head on.

You wouldn't be the first person I've met who knows about Neru- and you seem to have a strong opinion of her, too. I can see you frowning. You're trying to hide the frown- the look of disappointment- but it's still there.

You really are a terrible liar.

Did you know that?

You already know who Neru is, I'm sure- but it might help me if I talked through it…

Okay.

Neru is…

Well. She, among with several other girls, bullied Sukone Tei incessantly- but Neru was their ringleader.

I don't even know what they teased Tei about; or, at least, I don't know all of it. I think they started on her appearance, at first. They insulted Tei's pale skin, her white hair and her red eyes. It went beyond appearances, though. Those girls- led by Neru-soon started to pick at some pretty nasty stuff. Stuff they really should've left alone. It wasn't very long before Neru started to pick up on those rumors surrounding Tei's family- and then she started talking about Tei's home life. Was her mom dead? Had she committed suicide because Tei was just so very depressing to look at? Or had Tei's mother merely glanced down at the ugly, skinny, red-eyed baby one day and left- disgusted?

…I know.

It's cruel.

It's horrible.

And… it's also incredibly human.

Bullying those who are weaker than you; everybody does it. Even if you don't necessarily vent your anger out on other humans, you still find young children pulling the wings off flies, or stamping on ants.

Maybe everybody's born cruel.

If animals aren't cruel- if lions don't tear into the throats of zebras and snakes don't inject deadly poison into their prey- they won't survive.

Humans are animals too; and whilst we don't (generally) claw at one another's throats, we still hurt each other simply by existing- words cutting like barbed wire and drawing blood.

Maybe us humans, like animals in their food chains, are cruel to survive.

We're cruel so we feel better about ourselves.

We're cruel to protect ourselves.

And you wouldn't call self-preservation selfish, would you?

It's a necessity.

I wonder what Neru was trying to protect herself from, though.

I wonder…

I don't want to sound like a psychologist- I'm probably the worst person for such a job- but maybe Akita Neru was… incredibly unhappy… …

So that might be why.

She lashed out at Tei so she felt better about herself.

Lions eat zebras.

Snakes poison their prey.

And Akita Neru bullied Sukone Tei.

All for self-preservation.

All for survival.

Is it selfish?

Well, that depends.

It depends what you think humans are, and what we should act like. Is the human race wise enough to betray our inbuilt desires to act cruel? Or… if we try to suppress out true natures, will we- eventually- hurt ourselves?

I don't know.

I really don't.

It probably doesn't matter.

Slowly, over time, Neru's bullying began to expand beyond the boundaries of Tei's looks and her past. The bullying branched into other aspects of Tei's life, and Neru left no stone overturned in her attempts to humiliate Tei.

Neru began to pick at stupid, inconsequential things.

Things that shouldn't have mattered half as much as Neru made them matter.

Neru began to scorn things like Tei's spidery hand-writing, and the way Tei lost herself in her own daydreams, and the strange, ethereal way Tei walked.

It shouldn't have mattered.

So what if Tei's handwriting was a little awkward- scrawling chicken scratch, completely inelegant when compared to the graceful way she moved?

It wasn't reason enough for Neru to bully her.

It wasn't reason enough for anyone to bully her.

But Tei was 'different'- Tei was 'strange'- so maybe, just maybe, to Neru, that was all the reason they needed.

Humans are cruel, after all.

It doesn't matter if you try to suppress it; that cruelty is still there.

After Tei…

W-well…

You know what happened to Tei. B-but after she… well…

A-after Tei died… Neru…

I…

It might sound strange.

Then again, I'm a strange person- so please don't take me too seriously, okay? My opinion is vastly different to everyone else's, and you don't need to agree, so…

Well.

It would have been easy to hate Neru.

It would have been easy to point fingers and name names- say 'it's your fault Tei did that to herself because you never gave her a break, Neru. You picked and picked and picked at Tei until there was nothing left, like a vulture; like an animal. You made a young girl destroy herself over something as ridiculous as her handwriting and the way her eyes looked, and you made her miserable. You're not even human.'

It would have been easy to say that.

Perhaps, if I could have placed all the blame on Tei's death upon Akita Neru, I wouldn't have felt so guilty about it. I mean, sure, I didn't help Tei, even though I knew she was suffering; even though I'd talked to her, and I'd raised her hopes…

Only to shatter them in an instant.

In the frown on my lips.

In the turning of my head.

I pretended not to see- and I blotted Tei's suffering out.

I'd done that.

But I wouldn't have needed to help Tei if Neru hadn't kept pushing her and pushing her and pushing her until Tei snapped.

It was Neru's fault.

All Neru's fault.

And most of the people in our class seemed fairly content to believe that.

But…

I couldn't.

I couldn't hate Neru.

How could you hate a girl who so clearly hated herself?

Neru had never been very talkative. From what I remember, she preferred to communicate via her cell phone. However, after the incident with Tei, she…

She went completely silent.

Neru stopped talking altogether.

Everybody in our class would glare at Neru, making comments- 'they say it was 'accident', but we know better, don't we, Neru?'.

They all hated Neru because it was easy to hate her.

Even Neru's old 'friends'- girls who had abused Tei (spilt milk on her text books, tripped her over in the corridor, sniggered at her pale skin and white hair)- turned against Neru. They whispered comments, too; and every word seemed to dig into Neru's skin, like needles.

Those girls- those hypocrites- had abused Tei with the same animalistic pleasure that Neru had. They'd followed Neru; listened to Neru; and, like a lioness teaching her cubs to hunt, those girls had learnt from Akita Neru how to be cruel.

They'd learnt how to hurt people to protect themselves.

And those girls had hurt Tei.

Maybe those girls had been pleasant people once upon a time. I don't know- I've never really spoken to them before.

You probably know them.

Lily.

Iroha.

Gumi.

Do those names ring any bells?

Maybe Lily and Iroha and Gumi were just like me. Quiet people- shy people- who saw Neru bullying Tei, and worried they would be future targets. Those three girls all had standout qualities; they all possessed traits that could have, potentially, made them victims.

Most people do.

If you're willing to look- like Neru was, in some strange kind of desperation- you can find traits to mock in anybody.

Lily was incredibly pretty.

Iroha was short for her age.

Gumi was one of the smartest girls in the class.

Any one of those girls could have bullied next, had Neru grown tired of Tei. So, perhaps in self-preservation, they leant to be cruel, too.

They'd learnt to sharpen their claws and sink their fangs into broken people. People weaker than them.

Is that 'wrong'?

I don't know.

Judge for yourself.

Maybe they were nice people.

I'm sure they were- otherwise they wouldn't have had any friends at all. Like everybody, those girls had good and bad qualities.

If you've only seen the bad, a person can look like a monster.

If you've only seen the good, a person will look like an angel.

But people aren't angels or monsters- and you can't fit people into 'good' or 'bad' categories so easily. All human beings are made of a mix of each.

Maybe, deep down, Gumi, Lily and Iroha hated what they'd done to Tei.

Maybe that made them hate themselves.

Maybe they'd wanted to stop, but they didn't know how; and when they finally tried to pull their claws from Tei's flesh it was too late.

Tei's flesh is cold and dead now.

Tei is buried underground- and even if they dig her up, they can't apologize.

It's too late.

Was it their fault?

Was it Neru's fault?

Was it… my fault…?

I don't know. Maybe it was everybody's fault- but you can't blame 'everybody'. You can't lash out at 'everybody'; you have to pick one person.

One target.

Those girls needed a scapegoat to throw all their pain and misery and guilt at.

And they picked Neru.

They blamed Neru for it- and those three girls, like the rest of the class, began to turn their fangs and claws and hate-filled hearts upon Neru; the girl who could be considered the 'most responsible', because she had started it.

But nobody had tried to finish it.

If anything, we furthered it.

We were all at blame- and we all felt guilty.

We didn't save Tei.

None of us did.

And I think… everybody was desperate for somebody to blame.

Somebody who wasn't them.

And so they pushed all their pain and guilt and grief onto Neru.

They thought it would help.

But… they didn't seem to realize (or maybe they did realize, and that made them feel guiltier, and that made them lash out even harder) they were doing the same thing.

Before, the victim had been Tei.

Now, the victim was Neru.

If Tei hadn't spattered herself across the road, would anybody have turned against Neru?

…I doubt it.

I-I think…

It made a cycle.

Then again, all of humanities' motions are circular, aren't they? Like war, and like discrimination, and like destruction, we never learn; not really. We say we can learn from history- we'll do better than our ancestors- but…

That never happens.

Our ancestors- the people in the past- were still human beings. They were just like us- only without modern technology and the ability of 'hindsight'.

As the ages move on, the human race gets older, but it doesn't get any wiser.

There will always be wars.

There will always be discrimination.

And human beings will always, without fail- whether its in a classroom situation or on a battle field- destroy each other.

And we say we can learn from the past-

But we never do.

The people in the past are just like us, and we are just like them, and we haven't moved on; we haven't changed. The technology around us has changed, and our ideas pertaining to space and science- but, fundamentally, we haven't changed.

Not in the slightest.

And a race that can't change is doomed to repeat its past mistakes- over and over and over again.

…That sounds pretty nihilistic, doesn't it?

Depressing.

I'm not depressed- honestly. I'm just a 'realist'.

Don't look at me like that. It's not that I hate human beings or something. I love world history- European history the most (because, you know, two world wars)- and I love learning about people, and the decisions people have made, and how people can impact other people…

It's interesting.

And I think it's comforting- just a little- to know the human race will always remain somewhat similar.

Constant.

Constants are nice; nobody likes change.

And that's… probably why those girls turned on Neru.

They'd always had somebody to bully. First, it was Tei. But then Tei left- so those girls, in their guilt and confusion and fear, had to turn to the next vulnerable target.

They needed to keep the cycle going.

The cycle of hatred.

Neru bullied Tei because she felt insecure about her height and her figure and Neru knew (I could tell she knew by the way she looked at Tei) Tei was prettier than her.

The other girls bullied Tei because Neru was the strongest, with her cruel words and narrowed eyes, and they didn't want to get hurt either.

When Tei disappeared, Lily and Iroha and Gumi felt guilty. Crushingly guilty. They didn't want to live with that guilt anymore.

Nobody would want to.

So they forced that guilt on Neru.

It was an act of self-preservation.

And I don't think that's all that selfish…

It's human nature.

I could never hate Neru, though. I saw how the other girls treated her- and I saw how guilty she felt herself (but Neru couldn't force her guilt onto somebody else as the others did with her. Neru wasn't strong enough- not anymore).

I saw how depressed Neru became.

I saw how the others broke Akita Neru down.

Some days, she didn't come to school.

When she did come to school, she didn't talk.

And… Neru never lashed back- even though she probably could have done.

I'm sure Neru thought it was her fault, too.

At the age of fifteen years, Akita Neru had- in the eyes of her classmates- killed another girl.

She was a murderer.

How do you live with something like that?

How do you drag your feet from day to day, knowing another girl died because of you?

And if that's what Neru thought, then how could I- knowing how much Neru suffered- then add my own guilt onto hers?

I couldn't.

I wouldn't.

So I didn't.

I…

I-I…

I found another way to deal with my guilt.

And nobody had to get hurt instead of me.

It was what I deserved, anyway.

I took my feelings for Rin and my pain over Tei, my pity for Neru and my hatred of myself, and mixed it all together until I felt sick.

Sick to the stomach- to the core.

After I learnt of Tei's death, I began to see her everywhere; her crimson eyes staring at me, unblinking, in the darkness. When I closed my eyes I saw her face- and when I crossed the road I saw her body, sprawled, across the floor; limbs bent and head leaking red fluid.

When I dreamed, I had my hands round her pale throat; draining what little color remained in her pale cheeks away.

Taking her life and sending it running- in rivulets- down the drain.

Red blood, white hair.

Screams.

Rinse and repeat, over and over.

Sometimes the girl in my dream wasn't Tei.

It was Rin.

I held my hands round her throat- my fingers long and pale, scuttling like spiders- as I held Rin's head underneath the waves (there was no road in my dreams about Rin; not anymore). Rin tried to scream- she always tried to scream (she never reciprocated my advances anymore; not even in my dreams), but then the salty water would pool around her head- into her mouth- into her open eyes- and she would choke and wail and I'd watch her drown.

Rin's blonde hair would float like pond weed.

Rin's blue eyes would stare up at me- empty, glassy, like a doll's; not blinking as sea water stung at her blue irises.

I could never tear my eyes away from hers.

Even in death, Rin was beautiful.

And- even when she was dead- Rin's voice would run through my head.

Accusing me.

You killed me.

You killed Tei, and now you're going to kill me.

Stupid boy.

Selfish boy.

Sick boy.

But…

But that was okay.

It was okay- it was fine- because I would hold Rin's cold, dead body to my chest; moving her limbs awkwardly as though she were a ball-jointed doll- and I would try to comfort the dead girl in my arms with glue for a spine and a hole for a heart.

Rin was mine.

When she was dead nobody else could get to her.

Kaito wouldn't want Rin anymore- not if she was dead.

But I would always love her.

Even as I held Rin's head underneath the waves- watching her scream and inhale lungfuls of salt water that stung her throat when it slid through her struggling body- I would smile, because I knew Rin wouldn't suffer forever. Rin's pain would be over soon; swallow more salt water, I'd tell her, it'll be okay- and you can cry if you want, because the water will wash your tears away.

Smile for me, Rin.

We're going to be together forever, Rinny.

Just you and me.

When her heart stopped beating and her lungs flooded with water- liquid oozing from her parted lips when I held her to my chest- she would be mine forever.

My Rin.

My beautiful doll.

I wouldn't have to share her with anyone.

Not even Kaito.

Those dreams were… comforting…

They made me think death wasn't so bad.

Not if I could stay with Rin forever.

Maybe I was trying to absolve myself of guilt over Tei; my mind telling me 'don't worry. Tei's happier now. Nobody can hurt her.'

But the Rin in my dreams kept changing, distorting, and she didn't stay Rin for long.

Sometimes- as I cradled Rin's lifeless body in my arms, the water drip-drip-dripping from her blonde hair- the flesh would begin to melt from her bones and her open-mouthed scream would peel from her skull.

The scent of rot and mold would cloud the air.

The water would turn to crimson.

The sky above (once blue and cloudless and innocent, the same color as Rin's eyes- my eyes) would become black.

My dead twin sister would become the dead Tei.

The Tei of my dreams would be a rotten corpse, half her face missing. She screamed a silent scream through hacked-up vocal chords; blood bubbling at her cracked lips. One of Tei's bright red eyes was missing from its socket; the empty cavity that should have held it crushed together like an aluminum can. Her silvery, wispy hair was slick, wet; dyed with that red, red water, stuck together in clumps- and parts of Tei's head were split open, flesh pulled up and around her skull as though somebody had scored it with a sharp stick. These wounds oozed more blood that never seemed to stop; running in rusty crimson rivulets over her skin; matting her pretty (it was pretty once) hair together until it was more red than silver and the stench was unbearable.

Tei's body was nothing more than a bundle of sticks and bones and sharp edges wrapped up in her torn school uniform; gaping wounds on her stomach, arms, above her breasts, that exposed skin and bone and red fluid- all of it mixed together, as though with a spoon- like jelly at a child's birthday party.

When I held my cold, dead sister to my chest, listening to my own heartbeat (it was loud enough for both of us), Rin looked… peaceful… even with her staring eyes and open mouth.

Nothing could hurt Rin when she was in my arms.

Nothing could hurt Rin if she couldn't breathe.

But when the corpse of Tei replaced Rin's- a mess of decay that never stopped bleeding, oozing a foul liquid from every wound and exposing sharp, jagged bone that glistened sickly under a glaze of blood and bodily fluids- Tei never looked peaceful.

Her body was ravaged by worms; maggots still crawling through her flesh- visible, as white slimy creatures, their writhing bodies bulging and distended as they fed upon Tei's dead flesh; writhing in Tei's crushed-together eye socket in a knotted tangle, like the Christmas lights when me and Rin first took them out the box to hang on the Christmas tree.

Tei's whole body was falling apart.

I don't know much about traffic related deaths- but I'm sure the injuries on my dream-Tei were completely mismatched and exaggerated compared to the wounds on the real Tei.

…Not that it makes it any better.

Tei… hadn't had a peaceful death.

Not at all.

She'd died; but death wasn't an answer.

Death hadn't saved Tei.

And I was sure, as her ghostly, water-logged body trailed water droplets and sticky blood onto my fingers- my skin- my clothes- she had…

She blamed me for her death.

It was my fault.

I'd killed Tei.

Or, at the very least- I'd contributed to it.

Neru had paid penance for what she'd done, but not me.

I never had.

Nobody knew just how twisted I was.

The first time I dreamed of Tei I was sick before I could reach the bathroom- trying to staunch the vomit with my fingertips, but it didn't work.

The smell made me feel even sicker.

I hadn't been able to eat for a day, even though Rin made me pancakes (a rarity- but I think she was worried about me). I held the fork in my hands, looking down at the stack of burnt and barely edible food- and, before my eyes, the pancakes seemed to morph into another bloated, ravaged mess of wriggling maggots and bloody sores- crusting wounds and purple bruises and flesh hanging off bones.

The smell of the burnt pancakes nearly made me sick again- and I couldn't eat any of them. I had to push them away.

I think I upset Rin.

I think I worried her.

Tei's pain seemed to have become mine; a horrible, pounding sensation in the back of my head- and I had to get rid of it; I had to purge; I had to get clean (her blood was on my hands, and I couldn't smear it on Neru- not like everybody else); I had to, I had to…

I'm…

Not sure what was running through my mind…

When I picked up the razor.

Probably not a lot.

I doubt I was thinking at all.

Or maybe I was thinking too much…

I-I get that problem sometimes.

Can't turn off my brain.

So I can't get to sleep at night.

I-insomnia on the day of your math exam isn't fun- even though I managed to get a 96 (I am a model student, after all).

I'm going off topic, aren't I?

Heh…

Y-you see…

All my life I've done… terrible things…

To Rin.

To Tei.

To Neru, too, I suppose- because I never tried to help her either; and she was a girl who needed help, even if she pretended she didn't.

And then- in my disgust, my fear, my shame, my pity, my horror (my attempt to pay penance; my attempt to redeem myself)- I began to do terrible things to myself.

And yet, even now, I can't remember what, exactly…

Was running through my head when I made the first cut.

So maybe it doesn't matter that much.

Hahaha…

It was silly.

Superficial.

I-it's stupid to think hurting yourself can help others.

And, at the time, maybe I thought… I-I don't know what I thought… B-but I believed maybe, just maybe, if I caused myself pain- I could understand the pain of others.

I could apologize to Tei.

And I could punish myself, without having to heap my own guilt upon Neru.

Maybe, in hindsight, I should have done…

I should have blamed Neru.

Or maybe I should have told Miku- but I didn't want to upset her…

B-but I should have told somebody.

Because I couldn't carry my own guilt around all by myself.

There was too much for me to carry.

And it began to tear me apart.

Bit by bit.

And then in large pieces.

Flesh slicing off bone; rivulets of blood coursing down my arm- zigzag patterns that made ugly, open scars; painful wounds. I can still remember; my small, trembling form, sat- fully clothed- in the cold bathtub, droplets of water from the shower pounding on top of my head, shoulders, arms. It was too hot- the water was scalding- but when I reached my arm to change it I slipped- stumbled- couldn't stand up; so instead I continued to crouch, under the stream of boiling water that bit through my skin, like a child.

Even though the water was hot, I couldn't stop shivering. The memory of Tei weighed upon me so heavily it felt as if her dead, rotten fingers were still pressed around my neck- the chill of cold flesh and corpses tainting my skin.

Killing me.

Slowly.

I held the blade in my hands with shaking fingers- shaking so badly I dropped the blade once, twice, and cut myself when I moved to pick it up.

It didn't matter.

I rolled up my sleeves, fumbling; moving sodden material out of the way- third time lucky, huh?

I poised the blade above the underside of my wrist

and cut

and cut

and kept on cutting

I don't know for how long

but time seemed to blur together

until it was nothing other than

swift motions

and

pain all over

Over and over and over again.

Patterns spread across my skin; always missing veins- dancing across the thin blue lines; even though it would have been so easy, maybe would have been for the best- if I'd dug the cold metal right in, as far as it would go (splintering bone and carving through flesh) until I bled to death.

The water raining down on me ran red.

And I watched, blue eyes set so far back into my pale skin I felt like a corpse myself, as all my blood ran down the rain.

Even though I was causing myself pain, I'd never felt more… dead.

I hardly even felt like myself; it was as though another person (another Kagamine Len) were driving the razor into my flesh, whilst I sat there- immobilized- and watched.

Watched myself bleed to death.

I can't remember why I did it; not the first time.

I-I can remember that it hurt, though.

And yet…

It seemed to help.

It was a stupid thing- selfish, childish; it solved nothing. But as I watched the blood ooze from my wrists, it felt like I was watching all the negative emotions flow from my body.

I was being selfish again.

Thinking only of me.

And yet…

I didn't dream about Tei quite so often after that.

So I guess that was my coping mechanism.

Other people abused Neru.

I abused myself.

A-and that was okay.

Really.

I-I'm fine…