For A Sick Boy

Chapter 9
Love Is War

I-I can't even begin to describe to you what thoughts were running through my head when Rin came home. I don't think I even understood them myself. I think the best equivalent of describing my emotions would be... I don't know. Randomly mashing a keyboard for a few seconds with my eyes closed.

Words have yet to be invited that can describe the feeling of fear that spiked through my body- and not just fear, but guilt and surprise and that leftover jealousy and happiness to see Rin and a desire to run away, and...

I think I felt relieved, too.

Just a little.

Relieved.

I hadn't felt like that in a long, long time.

But I knew.

I knew, even though my whole body was trembling and I felt like I was going to fall apart, that I was going to tell her. I had already decided it, regardless of what my head told me- and I couldn't back out of it.

I wasn't going to be a coward.

Rin waltzed into the living room as though she owned the whole world. She was smiling, her blonde hair tumbling about her shoulders in sunshine-colored waves. Her pink and green bead bracelets (it was plastic; the sort of jewelry little kids wore) jingled on her wrist. Her blue eyes were sparkling.

She looked so happy.

I...

I didn't want to ruin that happiness.

I didn't want to be the one who made Rin stop smiling.

I didn't want to tell her.

I really didn't.

But I knew I had no choice.

As Rin walked towards me, still smiling, I began to notice all sorts of things about her I'd never really noticed before. The dimples when she smiled. The way her eyes shone when she was excited. The way her over-sized ribbon (she was much too old to wear that now- but if she took it off, I'd feel like integral part of what made Rin Rin had been snatched away) bounced when she walked. She had a light dusting of freckles across her face, and she smelt like oranges.

I think my mind was trying to take a snapshot of Rin whilst she was still happy- so, if she turned against me when I told her my secret, I'd always be able to remember her as she person she'd once been.

I'd always be able to remember her cheerful smile.

I-I...

Argh.

I-I know this going to sound really corny (incredibly cheesy), a-and if Miku said something like this to me I'd pull one of her pigtails and tease her mercilessly, but...

I-I think, as Rin walked up to me, her hair windswept and her smile wide-

I think...

I fell in love with her all over again.

Okay.

That's right.

You can laugh at me now- ha ha ha ha.

It's a funny joke, right?

But it wasn't a joke to me- far from it.

I-I didn't love her because of sex, or hormones, or lust, or any of the animalistic urges that drew me to my twin sister.

It was something else.

Something more than that.

And I knew, at that moment, even if I wanted to keep feeding Rin lies, I couldn't.

I couldn't keep the truth from her.

Not anymore.

I loved her.

I'd always loved her.

And I knew, in the long run, if I kept hiding from Rin, I'd only hurt her more.

And the thought of hurting Rin made me feel sick.

I noticed, as Rin walked towards me, she had a black eye and a split lip. They were fairly hard not to notice- although she'd tried to cover the black eye up by smearing a load of foundation around it. The foundation was a slightly different color to the rest of her skin, though, and it had been streaked around the blackish-blue bruise with fumbling hands.

I think all that foundation actually made the black eye look worse than it probably was. Even so, despite these minor injuries, Rin was still smiling.

"Did you get into a fight?" I asked her, trying to keep my voice neutral- even though my heart was hammering in my chest and I could hardly breathe.

"Huh? You noticed?" Rin asked, looking surprised. Evidently, she thought she'd been super smoooooth at her concealing techniques.

Maybe another girl more experienced with make up- a girlie girl, like Miku- would've been able to hide a black eye like that a little better. However, I doubted even Miku would've been able to cover it up fully. Rin wasn't half as adept as using make up as Miku. Rin always said using make up was a 'waste of time'. Thus, the end result of Rin's 'super smooth' concealing technique was... nothing short of disastrous, really. It looked terrible- and the closer Rin got, the worse the ill-hidden black eye looked, until I almost managed to convince myself the skin round her eye was melting off.

"Of course I noticed, I'm not blind. You look dreadful," I said.

Maybe that wasn't the nicest thing to say to a girl you were hopelessly in love with- but Rin was still my twin sister, and we always teased each other like that. It made the atmosphere feel less tense; and it helped me breathe easier.

"What happened?" I asked, as Rin pottered over to the sink to wash off the foundation.

"I don't want to tell you. It's a secret," said Rin. She was giggling.

I guess the black eye couldn't have been too serious, then.

Even so, it looked pretty painful. I couldn't help but feel concerned.

"We don't have secrets between us. We're twins, remember?" I said, trying to be cheerful.

I realize now how incredibly hypocritical that was. I might as well have been a zebra bitching at the American flag for being too stripy.

It was the wrong thing to say.

Rin was facing away from me when I said that.

For this next part to make any sense, you might need a quick description of our house layout. Okay, um… Our house is laid out kind of strange. There isn't a wall to separate the living room and kitchen like most houses; they kind of merge into one another. I was stood in the 'living room' half of our mutated house, whilst Rin was in the 'kitchen' half. She was stood by the sink, wiping her black eye free of blotchy foundation- so I could still see her.

I saw Rin's shoulders tense when I spoke.

Rin stopped- frozen in time, almost.

It took her a few seconds to say anything. Twelve seconds exactly.

I could see the clock, and I counted. My eyes had been transfixed by the steadily-creeping second hand, and I don't know why. It was captivating, somehow.

I think I was being a coward.

It was easier to look at the clock than at Rin.

It was easier to look at the clock than give any serious thought to how I felt.

And yet, despite my hesitation, time still marched onwards- unrelenting. It almost felt as if it were laughing at me.

"You're right. We're not meant to have secrets between us," Rin finally said- turning to face me. Droplets of water were rolling down her face, and she hadn't wiped all of the orange make-up away. It gave me the incredibly disconcerting impression that Rin's face was melting.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Again, that was the wrong thing to say.

I'm very good at saying the wrong things- in case you hadn't noticed.

It's a talent.

Rin's eyes narrowed to little more than slits- a complete contrast to her previous cheerful mood. Still, the ugly orange foundation drip drip dripped down the side of her face.

She was screaming.

Her face was melting.

Skin flaking off underneath my fingers.

And I couldn't save her I couldn't do anything it was my fault I-

...

I think... I'd really upset her.

Rin had tried to be cheerful and happy when she skipped inside- but the moment I opened my stupid mouth and started talking about 'secrets', her happiness melted away.

Rin was so bright once.

Now...

N-not anymore.

Her skin was falling off and she kept shrieking- just like in my nightmares- a-and I didn't know what to do, how to stop her, how to help her...

W-would she really want the comfort of a sick person like me?

Rin kept screaming- something like...

I-I can't remember.

I don't want to remember.

It hurt.

Y-you want me to try...?

...

Okay.

I'll try.

"'W-what's wrong?' W-what do you mean, 'what's wrong'? You've been ignoring me for the past three months like I'm some kind of leper- l-like you hate me- a-and every time I've tried to talk to you you'd look away and pretend I didn't exist!" Rin exclaimed, her voice rising in pitch, getting a little hysterical.

She'd been trying to hide her worry, too- but it hadn't worked.

Instead, it had exploded.

This was the first real 'conversation' Rin and I had had in three months- and it still wasn't a proper 'conversation' at all.

It was Rin shouting.

Each word a shard of glass to my heart, and a knock to my pride (which, let's face it, had been swimming around at gutter-level to begin with. I didn't have all that much 'pride' for Rin to knock down in the first place).

"I-I thought we were meant to be twins. I-I thought that... that we were meant to share secrets. N-no secrets between twins, right?" Rin sniffed, wiping some of that sticky foundation away with the sleeve of her baggy cardigan (it was a nice cardigan- lime green; and it complimented those childish, plastic strings of beads round her neck and wrists quite well).

I winced.

No secrets.

Of course not.

No secrets between twins.

It was something we'd promised (pinky promised, actually) when we were about six.

'No secrets between twins. If I lie, may I swallow a thousand needles.'

It's quite a dark incantation for people as young as six, isn't it? Don't you think it's pretty twisted?

But when we made that promise all those years ago- when we had chubby cheeks and wide smiles and the world was all one big playground- the biggest 'secrets' we'd ever had was who ate the last cookie from the cookie jar and who taped over the Little Mermaid with episodes of Dragon Ball Z.

Those weren't important secrets.

But this...

T-this was the biggest secret I'd ever kept from Rin- and it was eating me up inside. Tearing me apart.

If I lie, may I swallow a thousand needles.

Well, I'd never lied- not really. I hadn't told Rin any untruths at all. At least, I don't think I had. Instead, I'd dodged the subject of my own feelings; pushing past Rin when she tried to bring it up (I never responded to her questions with 'I'm okay' like I did with Miku), and locking myself in my bedroom, or the bathroom, when Rin tried to pursue the matter.

I'd never lied.

But now... Rin was asking me directly.

"W-why did we drift apart? Why are you ignoring me? Why are you being so cruel?"

She said that in her own words; her hair ribbon seeming to droop, that grotesque foundation still running off her face like melted candle wax.

Rin.

My sister.

My sister I'd never, ever want to hurt, or reduce to tears, or lie to- because I loved her.

And I didn't really want to swallow a thousand needles, either.

Silence filled the air, heavy with untold secrets and other such hackneyed clichés that would better belong in a TV drama than real life.

Rin's hands were on her hips and she was glaring at me. She was tapping one foot against the floor.

Waiting for an answer.

She was waiting to see if I'd feed her a lie or tell her the truth. The truth she so desperately wanted because she was worried about me.

Because she loved me.

Rin had been waiting for that 'truth' for three years.

And now it was finally time she knew.

Rin was my sister.

She wouldn't turn me away.

I-I was sure she wouldn't.

I'd make her understand.

"O-okay. I'll tell you..." I finally managed to say, my voice fragmenting. I was speaking softly- and yet it still seemed far too loud, given the grave-like silence of our house.

It was disconcerting.

Eerie.

Then, I tried to smile- but my smile split in two, and I couldn't maintain it for too long. It hurt. It was physically painful to smile.

It felt like a lie.

"But first you're going to tell me how you got that black eye- and we're going to sit down and discuss this over hot chocolate," I said.

Rin seemed to perk up at this. It was obvious she was trying to hold onto her anger- but the prospect of hot chocolate was simply too much for her. I don't think she wanted to be angry with me, not really; it was hurting her just as much as it was hurting me. She wanted to revert to the cheery, happy, twin Rin-and-Len times just as much as I did; and, as such, she couldn't maintain her death glare.

A small smile quirked the corners of her lips instead.

"You promise?" she asked.

"I promise," I said, ruffling her hair- knocking her over-sized ribbon askew.

Rin scowled at me- said something like 'look, don't touch'- and batted my fingers away; but I knew she was only joking.

She smiled.

Rin and I sat on the old, black, beaten down couches with our mugs of hot chocolate burning our fingers. Rin was sat cross-legged, a cushion in her lap. She was curled up around that cushion like a child- or a cat trying to find a warm spot to sleep.

It was... nice.

It felt like we were children again.

On wintry nights, when the heating in the house had broken (a lot of things in our house are defective), Rin and I would huddle up on the couch under piles of blankets, both sipping hot chocolate and telling stories.

...

...I-I...

I'm sorry.

I just got hit by a sudden wave of nostalgia.

Did my eyes look out of focus just then?

Ahaha, i-ignore me. I'm being silly.

Geez. I'd make a pretty crappy story teller, wouldn't I? I keep going off the point.

Got to stay focused.

"How did you get that bruise?" I asked Rin, after I'd taken a sip of my hot chocolate.

"Iroha gave it to me," said Rin, shrugging.

I must admit, I was a little surprised Rin was 'friends' with Iroha at all. I hardly knew the girl- but she was in my class, and she was one of the people who routinely insulted Neru. There were other people that bullied Neru, yes, but Iroha stuck in my mind; maybe because she was so short, and was quite pretty.

...I know that sounds shallow, but I can't help it.

I'm a guy.

Not that gender really matters.

I'm a human being.

I like looking at pretty things.

Most people do.

When I talk about it like this it kind of makes me feel like a magpie, attracted to shiny objects. Rest assured, I'm not so obsessed with pretty things I'll pick them up and carry them back to my 'lair'. I don't even have a 'lair'.

Rin said she'd known Iroha for a while. They were on the same volleyball team, and had bonded over their love for... Hello Kitty sneakers or something. I didn't even realize they sold such things- much less that there was a market for them- but, apparently, there were.

Go figure.

Man, Sanrio's a scary business, isn't it?

Hello Kitty brainwashes people.

Rin and I had a short discussion about Iroha. Rin told me Iroha wasn't 'that bad'- even though she'd (supposedly) given Rin a black eye. Rin wouldn't tell me why Iroha had given her the black eye, which led me to believe Rin had been teasing her. Rin does that a lot- and some people aren't that good at taking jokes...

Still- Iroha must have had quite a mean punch for somebody so small. And why hadn't Rin tried to defend herself?

I guess it would forever be a mystery. Rin wasn't in the mood to discuss it- she said it wasn't her secret to tell, but Iroha's.

That was intriguing- but I didn't push it.

I didn't have a right to ask about Rin's secrets, considering I was keeping so many from her. That sounds fair, right?

The atmosphere between us was fairly light, what with the hot chocolate and all.

Rin...

Rin started to get her old smile back.

A smile like personified sunflowers and-

Y-you know what, I'm going to shut up about the 'Wonders of Kagamine Rin'. I'm not a poet or anything. I'm no Wordsworth or Shakespeare. I've never 'wandered lonely as a cloud', and I don't have any real inclination to talk about daffodils, either.

I'm no poet.

I'm just some kid who fell in love.

I-I wonder if it's common for people in love to talk about their 'significant other's like this...?

Is it just me?

Am I weird?

It wouldn't surprise me.

I'll save this sugary mush, though. One, because it's embarrassing, and two, because I know if Rin could hear me, she'd laugh.

The relaxed mood we'd created suddenly took a turn for the bitter, however, when Rin fixed me with 'A Look'.

You know what I mean, right? I'm sure you have friends with 'A Look' like that, too. 'The Look' that states, quite clearly, 'you better answer my question or I'm going to shove your face in a blender.'

Yeah, that kind of 'Look'.

"Iroha told me about all the horrible things that had happened in your class," said Rin.

I considered playing dumb- but I didn't want to lie. Not anymore.

"I mean, I already knew about Tei... Everybody did. B-but I didn't realize she'd been bullied so badly..." said Rin.

Well, that wasn't a surprise. The school had called an important assembly in the hall a few days after Tei's death, announcing it to all the students. They'd played down the 'bullying' angle, though. I'm not sure how many of the teachers at our school actually knew she was being bullied at all. The headmaster gave a speech about how, if we ever felt depressed, we could talk to the school nurse or any other specialists, and we shouldn't feel as if we were alone because 'the school cares about each and every one of you', or some such thing. I can't remember.

But they didn't mention the bullying.

Maybe it was because they didn't know.

Or maybe they were trying to cover it up.

I can't imagine a headline like 'school girl murders herself over bullying incident the school did nothing about' in the local paper would do our school much good, you know?

Then again…

I don't know. Not really. If you were asking me, I'd say I was more inclined to believe the school was trying to co- but, you know what, you're not asking me. I'm telling you the answer to a question you never asked.

The question 'is your school corrupt, Kagamine Len?' never cropped up, so I'm going to skim across it.

Besides, I'm incredibly cynical anyway. My opinion's bound to be biased.

"I-iroha told me all about what happened to Tei. I-I'd never even known... Iroha said... Most of the people in your class joined in. Lily and G-gumi... I-I can't believe somebody like Gumi would bully somebody like that. I-I've only spoken to her a few times, but she's so sweet," Rin continued.

Rin had long since finished her hot chocolate. The empty mug lay on the floor, dark brown dregs clogged up at the bottom. Rin was squeezing her captive cushion so tightly I wondered if it'd burst.

"I-iroha told me everything. S-she said... She said s-she'd bullied Tei, too- b-but she hadn't even realized it was bullying at the time. At first it had just been a bit of fun. A few jokes. B-but it went too far... A-and she felt... really guilty... B-because she knew she had to stop it, and she couldn't. It had gone too far. A-and she was afraid Neru would turn against her… Iroha said she'd been thinking about Tei a lot. A-and Iroha said... She thought most people in your class had been, too. B-because nobody had been quite the same since... Since it happened," said Rin, her voice fragmenting.

My mug of hot chocolate scalded my fingers- but the rest of my body felt cold.

Rin was offering me a way out of my dilemma.

I could nod along with Rin and tell her that was why I'd been so despondent lately.

It was all because of Tei.

I could pin my feelings on Tei's death, and Rin would never have to know how I felt about her.

But I couldn't lie.

Not anymore.

Where would I be if I lied?

I knew where.

I'd be back in the bathtub, digging the blade into skin- or curled up between my blankets, thoughts of Rin running through my mind in a guilty rush of pain and pleasure.

I had to move forward.

"Tei's death did... I-it still is... I-it... did affect me," I said. I probably sounded about as eloquent as… I don't know- a very uneloquent (is that even a word?) thing, but it didn't matter.

I was trying to tell the truth- and I'd never realized before just how difficult that was.

But Tei's death did affect me.

Tei haunted me almost as much as Rin did; her eyes dead and empty, her skull cracked open, her body filled with writing, teeming maggots. But she was a dead girl, and I couldn't help her. Maybe I could have once- but not anymore.

It didn't do to dwell on the past.

Rin rested a hand on my shoulder- the cushion falling from her lap and onto the floor. In turn, the cushion knocked over Rin's empty mug of hot chocolate- and it was a good thing she'd drunk it already, or the carpet would've been stained dark brown.

I wasn't really in the right frame of mind to care about the carpet, though.

Rin's eyes looked so blue...

So warm.

So trusting.

(Don't trust me please don't trust me I'll only hurt you look you're screaming-)

"Don't worry, Len. I don't know exactly what happened- but it wasn't your fault. T-tei... Tei died... B-but it wasn't Iroha's fault, or yours, or- ha... It wasn't even Neru's. T-the bullying might have contributed to it, but she must've have had other problems people didn't know about! It wasn't your fault," Rin said, her eyes steely. Her grip was steely, too.

She was forcing me to agree.

Forcing me to throw my guilt away.

Rin... was wrong.

I think.

I couldn't simply throw up my hands and say 'well, Tei probably had other problems, so it doesn't concern me'. I knew, deep down, that it did concern me. Tei's problems hadn't belonged to her alone; and they'd been exacerbated by Neru, by Gumi, by Iroha- who, apparently, had thought of the whole thing as a joke until it went too far.

And they'd been exacerbated by me, too.

Human beings will, invariably, hurt each other- but they can't live alone.

Every action you do will affect somebody else- no matter how small.

No problem belongs to 'one person'.

It belongs to everybody who has ever come in contact with that person and left their mark on them, in one way or another.

If you can see somebody else suffering- if you can see them trying to wave their hand above the rising water that threatens to pull them under- then it's your problem, too. If you saw somebody drowning in a lake, would you say 'it doesn't concern me' and walk on?

Human beings might be selfish...

But I think most of them would stop.

Most of them would feel a little responsible.

And most of them would try to help.

Tei's problem was like that. Tei hadn't been drowning, not physically; but, figuratively, she was just like a poor swimmer with pond weed entangling her feet.

Tei had been drowning.

I'd seen her drowning.

And I hadn't offered her my hand.

Neither had Gumi.

Neither had Iroha.

It wasn't just 'Tei's problem'- it belonged to all of us.

I was guilty.

But...

I couldn't bury myself under my guilt forever.

Hating myself wouldn't bring Tei back.

And so, even though Rin was, essentially, wrong- I knew, deep down, she was telling the truth.

It didn't matter how or why Tei had died.

All that mattered was that she had died- and it was sad- and maybe somebody could have helped, but nobody did.

And life went on.

It was cruel to think of it like that- but Rin was right just as much as she was completely wrong.

You couldn't keep dwelling in the past- or it would destroy you.

The 'what if's don't matter.

You can't go back and change them.

So it's not worth worrying about.

I think I went quiet as I processed that- and Rin gave me a worried look, her eyes widening.

"Len... Was that why you were being so distant? You felt guilty about Tei?" Rin asked.

Rin was so caring.

So trusting.

So completely oblivious to my real feelings.

Tei had been... the catalyst, maybe.

It was because of Tei that I'd first locked myself in the bathroom and sat, trembling, underneath the shower; the spray of water hitting the bottom of the bathtub that masked my broken sobs and cries of pain.

But Tei...

I-I feel horrible for saying this, a-as though I'm cheapening her death, or being heartless, but...

But Tei wasn't the real problem.

It was Rin.

And it always had been.

It because I loved Rin- because I was sick, twisted- that I hadn't helped Tei in the first place. I'd known, deep down, if anybody discovered my secret, I could easily become a victim in Tei's place.

That- coupled with cowardice- was why I'd done nothing.

The problem had always been Rin.

Or, to be more precise- the problem had always been my feelings for Rin.

Always.

And forever.

If I lie, may I swallow a thousand needles.

I looked at Rin.

Rin looked at me.

"N-no... T-that's not all," I said, my voice breaking- fingers trembling- unsure of how to put my confession into words.

...Maybe I didn't need to use words.

They'd only get in the way.

And I'd never been very good at talking anyway.

"That's not all? You mean there's another twist to this sordid tale?" Rin asked lightly- trying to inject some humor into the heavy atmosphere, I suppose. However, her unfortunate choice of vocabulary ('sordid') made me flinch.

It felt as though Rin were condemning me.

Calling me 'filthy'.

My own sister.

But that was just my paranoia.

Baseless paranoia.

I sat there for a while, watching the hateful second hand tick tick tick by on the clock above the TV. Listening to the sound of my own heart beat.

Trying to remember how to breathe.

"R-rin... D-don't... Don't hate me..." I finally managed to choke out, my voice trembling. It was a wonder Rin managed to hear me at all; my throat felt dry despite the hot chocolate and I could hardly understand myself.

"I could never hate you," said Rin, smiling. "Unless you've wiped my save on Final Fantasy thirteen. Then I could conceivably hate you. Very, very much so, too."

I laughed at that, despite the gravity of the situation. I couldn't help myself.

There's something about Rin that always makes me smile.

Every time I see her, my day just... brightens.

"I haven't wiped your save on Final Fantasy. I'm not suicidal- and I don't want to hear you bitching and moaning about how you can't defeat Barthandelus again," I retorted.

"H-hey! I did manage to defeat him in the end! I kicked his ass!" Rin said.

"Yeah. After you looked at an online walkthrough," I shot back.

We argued for a few minutes after that- trading insults as though we were children in the sand box again. It was... nostalgic. Just like the hot chocolate, and the note Rin had left me on the fridge.

It made me think of the old times.

Happier times.

And I knew, as Rin smiled at me...

I-I can't really put it into words- but her smile was comforting.

I knew, all at once, she wouldn't hate me.

Not even if I loved her.

Because... she was a kind person.

She was still my sister.

She'd always stand by me.

And I'd been stupid to doubt her.

Stupid…

I was so stupid.

"R-rin... I-I have something to tell you. A secret I've kept from you for... for a long time," I finally managed to say.

Rin didn't reply with a joke this time- nor did she try and start an argument. Instead, she said "what is it...?" in a voice so serious it didn't sound as if it belonged to her.

Maybe she'd matured as a person.

Or maybe she'd always been that mature, and I'd never realized.

Rin's hair was messy and her bow was tilted at a strange angle. Her face was strangely flushed, she still had a split lip, and the dark bruising around her eye was rather unattractive. She was wearing that ratty old green cardigan with ketchup stains on the sleeves, her socks were rucked up about her ankles and the plastic jewelry round her wrists clinked together.

She was a disaster.

A lump of clashing colors and birds' nest hair and awkward angles with a teasing smirk.

And she was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

When the sun streamed in through the open window, her hair turned gold.

Just like a princess from a fairy tale.

"R-Rin..." I stuttered- and I probably sounded stupid, but Rin didn't say anything.

She didn't tease me.

I wasn't sure how I could verbally communicate my feelings- but I knew, as I looked into Rin's eyes, what I had to do.

With shaking fingers, I cupped her chin gently- oh so gently. S-she let out a small gasp, but she didn't pull away, or try to hit me. She didn't... say anything.

I looked into her eyes and spoke her name again- "Rin."

And then...

"I love you."

A-and I leant forwards-

and pressed my lips against her's.