For A Sick Boy

Chapter 7
Love Is Not Hideable

It all started with Miku. When she spoke to me at lunch, asking me if I was alright- saying that she 'trusted' me (a foolish thing to say to anyone)- that pushed down the first domino and started a chain reaction.

I-I apologize if I sound overly dramatic. I hate melodrama.

Well...

Maybe 'hate' is too strong a word. Melodrama can be fun in small doses- even entertaining. Those stupid TV shows with overly complex plot lines and those stupid romance novels that Miku likes to read; they're all full of melodrama and poorly contrived plot conveniences, but I don't hate them. I'm confused as how anybody could really like them, but I don't hate them.

In fact, I think they're kind of endearing.

Stupid, but good fun.

In moderation.

Let me rephrase my previous statement.

I hate melodrama if it's happening in my life.

I've always been a quiet person- a little bit shy, kind of awkward- and I don't really like talking to people. It's okay laughing at bad storylines in the soap operas Miku watched almost religiously- but when everything's crashing down around you in real life, you can't just laugh at it like that.

You can't shrug it off.

Especially not if you're a person like me.

I wasn't 'built' to deal with drama.

I...

I can't handle it.

There.

I've admitted it.

I couldn't cope.

Happy now?

I know my weaknesses, and I know my limitations, and I'm not going to sit here and smile at you and feed you a pack of lies. There's little point in embellishing on my personality, or portraying myself as stronger than I really am.

You've already seen the scars.

You've already heard my confused thoughts.

You know me better than anybody else does now; not the small, unimportant things, like my favorite color (it's yellow, incidentally) or my favorite flavor of ice-cream (obviously banana- is there any other choice?).

But you know…

Me.

You know all the thoughts that have been going on inside my head- and maybe, in that respect, you (a complete stranger with a kind smile) know me even better than Miku does.

And Miku's been my best friend nearly all my life.

You might even know me better than Rin does- and she's been my sister all my life. Rin could tell you my favorite color and my favorite flavor of ice-cream in her sleep.

But I guess that stuff's not really all that important when it comes to understand the real, deeper inner workings of a person.

That stuff… doesn't really matter.

Not very much.

You, on the other hand, know what I do to deal with stress, to deal with disasters, to combat the soap opera worthy 'melodrama' around me- and...

And you know I don't 'cope' with it exceedingly well.

I-I can't… cope at all.

N-not me.

I'm not strong like Rin.

I'm fragile.

Pathetic.

Useless.

I want out of my own life. I've had enough of it now!

Can somebody take my place?

Please?

Y-yeah, I know, I know.

There's no 'get out of jail free' card in the real world- and I'll just have to keep trying to survive.

B-but…

I-I haven't even told you- haven't even touched upon- the worst event that happened in my life thus far.

But I've told you how it begun.

Miku's kind, friendly 'I trust you' was the spark that really ignited the fire, and sent everything- all of it- tumbling down.

I-if it had happened on TV- if my life were a crappy soap opera- I would have laughed at how ridiculous it all was. I would have smirked alongside Rin (she hates overwrought, overly emotional trash that passes itself off as 'entertainment' too), and lauded my character as being 'weak'.

Stupid.

It's easier to laugh at these things if they're not happening to you.

That's why Tei was bullied; pushed and shoved and sneered at until she walked out into the road.

It's easy to laugh at people who aren't you; and it's easy to mock those with problems you don't have- and it's nice jeering at upset people with problems, simply because their life is worse than yours.

That's probably why soap operas are so popular.

They're sadist shows, most of them- and completely unrealistic, too; but it's nice knowing trauma like that is so unlikely it won't affect you.

It's nice knowing there's somebody worse off than you.

It's... comforting.

Almost as comforting as sliding a blade into your wrist and watching watery blood splatter against the bath tub.

Drip drip drip.

The blood makes pretty patterns when it goes down the plug hole.

B-but...

But my life wasn't a soap opera.

It was real.

And...

It was happening to me.

And that...

That wasn't so funny.

T-that wasn't so funny at all.

M-maybe it started when Miku asked me, her voice friendly, if I was okay.

Or maybe it started a long, long time before that.

Maybe it started when I picked up the razor blade for the first time and my skin tasted metal.

Maybe it started when I didn't help Tei, even though I could have done- should have done- and I might as well have pushed her under the car myself.

Maybe it started when I awoke for the first time with sticky sheets and a pounding heart and thoughts of Rin running through my head- thoughts of my own sister making my body ache with need.

Maybe it started when I kissed Miku in the library that one time, sat in our own little secluded corner of the universe between the bookshelves with math homework spread out before us, and we shared our secret.

Maybe it started the moment I was born.

I've been sinking slowly for sixteen years.

And then the waves washed over my head.

My lungs filled with salt water.

And I began to drown.

When Miku asked me if I was 'okay', my paranoia slowly began to rise. Impossible, I know, considering how high it was already, but...

Well.

At the time, I was little more than a mess of scars and secrets, desperately trying to hide from everybody. I was hardly even a person anymore- just a mess. A complete wreck. And whilst I wanted somebody to help me- I wanted somebody to wrap their arms round me and tell me everything was going to be okay (tell me a bunch of lies I was desperate enough to swallow, but just cynical enough to vomit back up again)- I also wanted to keep everyone away.

Even Miku.

I don't think I was even a 'human' then- not really. I was just a vessel, a sack of flesh, dragging guilt behind me like an iron chain- and that was it. I wasn't... really thinking clearly.

At all.

I could only 'think'- really think- when I pressed a blade against my flesh and let all my confusion run out of my body in unbroken streams of red red red.

I didn't want Miku to uncover my secret- and she seemed dangerously close to it. Obviously, I'd been acting strangely, if Miku even had to ask me if I was 'okay'- so I resolved to try and behave in a 'normal' manner (whatever normal was). I conditioned myself to smile in response to Miku's words- and I even managed, after a week or so of practice in my bedroom mirror every morning, to make those smiles look real. I began to talk to Miku more after that- never telling her my real problems, never discussing anything of worth; but talking just enough to make Miku believe I was okay after all, and my previous nature had been a mere blip; a small disturbance in my otherwise boring life.

I even managed to stop myself shuddering when Miku rested her fingers on my arm- brushing against the scars I knew were still there. I resisted the urge to tug at my sleeves every few seconds, and I tried to push all the guilt and worry and confusion to the back of my mind.

I kept smiling.

Smile, smile, smile.

I could always purge all those unpleasant, unnecessary feelings I was trying to forget- wanted so desperately to forget- from my mind later on. I could always forget my suffering with pain.

Pain always worked.

I think...

I feel horrible to say this- to even think this- but I think...

I think I was using Miku.

Using her friendship.

I began to spend more and more time with Miku so other people would see I still had friends. So everybody would know I was 'normal'.

So nobody would know about the scars of my wrists, or the bugs in my brain; my sick feelings towards Rin, and my involvement that had (indirectly) led to Sukone Tei's death.

I-it wasn't that I didn't like being with Miku, don't get me wrong. O-of course I liked being with her. She was my best friend. Had been for a long, long time. I-in my own weird way, I loved her. Not trusted her (haha, of course not)- but I did care about her. But when we started high school, we began drifting away from each other; different classes, an increased work load, and Miku was a member of the school choir, too...

It wasn't that I hated Miku.

I just... didn't have that much time to see her.

But after Miku began to worry about me, I began to spend most of my time with her; hovering about her like a fly. I kept my taped-together smile in place, kept my fingers away from my shirt sleeves, and pretended I was happy.

Pretended there was nothing wrong.

I was normal.

I was normal I was normal I was normal really I was-

And I think I managed to convince myself of that fact, just for a while.

I could pretend everything was alright when I was with Miku.

But I was at home...

N-not so much.

It was too difficult.

Whether I was helping Rin with her math homework and watching the way her shirt would ride up when she threw her hands in the air, or watching some dull show on TV without really watching it, or sat in my bed at night trying to get to sleep whilst nightmare visions danced tough my head, I couldn't pretend, and I couldn't forget.

Tei's crimson eyes haunted me in my sleep.

Rin's cheerful smiles, filled with life, haunted me over the breakfast table, or in the living room, or when we did our homework together.

I wasn't normal.

I was...

I was sick.

Twisted.

I could only play make believe when I was with Miku.

When Miku wasn't with me, I couldn't keep on smiling, I couldn't keep on lying- it was too much hard work.

I knew I was lying to myself.

And I knew I was using Miku.

I was running from my problems by pretending they didn't exist- but when I returned home, locked myself in the bathroom, and sank down on trembling knees into a crouch by the door, I knew I couldn't keep pretending there was nothing wrong.

I knew, by pushing my problems further and further to the back of my head, they were only getting bigger, more intense, more numerous when I had to seriously sit down and think about them.

Running didn't help.

Smiling didn't help.

I couldn't escape at home.

I couldn't escape in my dreams.

I couldn't escape my own head.

I couldn't escape- couldn't leave- and sometimes my fingers would grab at the sides of my head and they'd twist in my hair, trying to pull my skull apart with my own fingertips.

I think I was trying to escape.

I was trying to be somebody else.

Anybody else.

I couldn't handle being Kagamine Len anymore.

Wouldn't somebody- anybody- take my place?

Please?

Wouldn't somebody...

come and help me...?

I couldn't...

keep smiling

anymore.

It hurt.

It hurt too much.

The push that felled the first domino was Miku's question.

'Are you alright?'

And then-

'I trust you.'

(Okay you trust me, good to know- good to know you're so desperate for me to hurt you. Don't give me so much responsibility don't I'm only human and I'm going to hurt you don't be so trusting I don't want to hurt you too I don't I don't so I'll keep smiling and maybe you'll believe me when I tell you I'm fine okay, okay? You might as well put your heart in my hand and ask me to CRUSH it for you how could you be so stupid do you WANT me to tear you apart? No? I don't think you do.)

And the second, third, forth, fifth dominoes toppled because of Miku, too.

Miku, and a girl I'd never met before- but Miku had been desperate to introduce me to her.

Her name was Megurine Luka.

Do you know Luka?

...Hmn?

You don't?

That's a surprise.

You knew about Neru and Tei, but you don't know about Luka...

H-hey, why are you looking at me like that? What did I do? Did I say something funny?

I didn't... do anything... did I?

Did I...?

Y-you say it doesn't matter?

O-okay then...

I'm sure I didn't do anything strange, but... I-I mean, I know I am strange, but-

F-fine.

I won't question you about it.

L-let me tell you about Megurine Luka, then.

No- in fact...

I'll tell you the story. About how I met her, I mean. It's not soap opera level dramatics, and Luka wasn't a princess I single-handedly saved from some tower or whatever- it's fairly basic, standard stuff.

And, as far as I know, Luka's still alive.

So that's good.

A-at least I didn't fuck her life up.

Ahahaha...

Y-yeah, that's not really very funny.

I'm sorry.

That was tasteless of me- and pretty self-deprecating.

I do not kill everything I touch, don't look so scared.

Just most things.

Heh.

Anyway.

I-it might be a little mean of me to talk about Luka if you don't already know who she is. I-it's not like she has any debilitating disease or something, far from it- Luka's quite pretty. But it might upset Miku... S-she trusted me (there's that word again. I hate that word, I really truly hate it, how can you 'trust' anybody if you can't even trust yourself?) not to tell anybody. It was a secret.

B-but I suppose it doesn't matter too much.

I don't think you'll tell anybody. After all, this talk is 'confidential', isn't it?

Alright.

Miku invited me to go out with her one Sunday morning. She said she wanted to introduce me to a friend- a 'very important person', in her own words. I teased her, asking her just how 'important' this person was. Were they, for instance, royalty? Did I have to curtsey when I met them? At this, Miku grew very flustered, and her face went red, and she told me this person was "important to me, okay!"

Miku is kind of adorable when she gets flustered. Her eyes go all big, like a cartoon character's, and her lower lip begins to wobble, and sometimes- as she was doing then, right then- she began to tug at her twin tails in distress.

It's a lot of fun pushing Miku's buttons, just to see her go bright red and tug her hair like that.

Ahaha- I know, I know, I'm kind of cruel.

Forgive me.

It was a brief moment of happiness in my otherwise bleak life- and I had to milk the moment for all it was worth.

I-I might have been 'using' Miku, just so I could appear normal- just so Rin wouldn't question me when I'd suddenly become so antisocial, and she wouldn't find those scars... Wouldn't open the lid of all those horrible secrets I wanted to keep buried from prying fingers and judgmental eyes... But, even if I was 'using' Miku, I did value her company, too.

I'm telling the truth.

Believe what you want, but I don't lie.

I haven't lied to you thus far, have I?

No.

Well then.

I began to tease Miku just a little more- asking her why, exactly, this person was 'important' to her. Was it her 'boooyfriend?' Miku's face went crimson at that- it looked like her whole head was on fire. She squeaked and hit me- pretty hard, too- and I had to laugh and apologize.

"Honestly, Len," said Miku, frowning. "You're so mean. When did you get so mean? You're acting just like Rin."

"Hardly," I said, ruffling Miku's tufty turquoise hair. "I'm no way near as bad as her. Don't mind me- I just like making you squirm."

"T-that's not a good thing!"

So Miku arranged for us to go out- shopping, I think. It was a girly past-time, and I wanted to distance myself from 'girly' things as much as possible, having a very... urgh... feminine... figure myself.

Yeah, I know, I know- I'm not exactly the epitome of 'manliness', am I? I'm kind of scrawny, and really short- the exact same height and build as Rin. Rin had dragged me on shopping trips with some of her other friends before, and 'shopping' to me was pretty much synonymous with 'torture'. Rin would frequently make digs about my figure, saying 'oh, this dress would look good on you, Len!', and I'd turn red and sputter like a fish out of water.

Yeah...

I don't have fond memories of shopping.

However, I didn't mind shopping with Miku. Miku didn't tease me half as much as Rin did- even though she did make occasional comments, smiling with that summery smile that made it impossible for me to hate her no matter what came out of her mouth. Mainly, I just wanted to get out of the house.

I...

I didn't really like being at home.

When I was alone, I could think, uninterrupted, about... things.

You know.

Tei.

And Rin.

And sometimes even Neru, just a little.

Thinking was unhealthy, because it always managed to depress me. My smiles, held together with glue and tape, would begin to fracture like breaking glass, and it'd hurt just as much- and my scars crisscrossing against my skin would begin to irritate me, as though my blood stream was filled with writhing, distended maggots. Each maggot was a secret; each scar was shameful- and sometimes I'd sit in the bathtub, roll my sleeves up to my elbow, and scratch; picking at old scars until they opened up and bled out again.

And again.

And again.

It was even worse when I was at home and Rin was there- because I didn't trust myself anymore, and every time she turned to look at me I would feel guilt choking me; crushing my heart between icy fingertips until my whole body felt cold.

It was better with Miku.

I could be happy with Miku.

I met Miku outside the train station, and I couldn't help but smile when I saw her. My smiles were getting less and less fake around Miku- to the point where I think they might have actually been real.

Not just masks, but the truth.

Miku was very, very dressed up for a casual get-together- and I remember thinking this was strange. Miku was always pretty; she could've have been wearing a potato sack with bed hair and bad breath and she still would've been rather pretty (well... maybe not, but you get the idea). However, she'd really dressed herself up for 'going shopping'. She was wearing a white dress with puff sleeves that seemed just a little too... 'dressy' for a simple meeting between friends, and her eyes had been carefully lined with black.

"You look nice," I told her, tugging at one of her twin tails. "You're making me feel under dressed."

Miku pouted, puffing her cheeks out like a blowfish- and I laughed at her.

Miku soon began to laugh too- even though it wasn't really that funny. Miku always made me laugh. We were just having fun, I guess. Friends.

It was nice, having a friend...

"What's with the dress?" I asked Miku, walking round her as I surveyed her carefully put together ensemble of clothes. "You never wear clothes like this when we go out normally."

Miku got very flustered at this and began to tug at the hem of her skirt, saying "I-I just wanted a change..."

Haha. Yeah, right.

I don't know if you know this- you probably don't- but Miku is about as transparent as polythene.

She can't tell a lie.

Ever.

I think her tongue would fall off if she tried.

...Now that sounds like an interesting concept for a horror movie.

Miku twittered on about how she wasn't 'dressed up' (a lie), and she wasn't doing it for my benefit (that was probably true) a-and anyway, I was making her embarrassed s-so why didn't I shut up right now and-

"You have a boyfriend," I said, cutting through Miku's spiel.

Miku's eyes went really wide at this. It looked kind of like they were going to fall out of her head- and I began to laugh even more at the scandalized expression that flickered across her face.

"That's the 'important' person you want me to meet. Your boyfriend! That's why you've gotten all dressed up!" I said. Then I smiled- feeling as though I'd solved some very complex murder mystery (when, in reality, all I'd done was turn Miku's face the color of a strawberry- which was still an achievement I felt proud of). "How's my reasoning, Watson?"

"I-I'm not a Watson," Miku said- still sounding scandalized. "A-and it's not... Not really a boyfriend... Aheheheh..."

"I can't let you go out with a BOY, Miku! You're so pure and innocent! I need to defend your honor! If any boy other than me lays a hand on you, I'll... I'll unleash my wrath! I'll break all his fingers!" I said. It might not have been that, exactly- I can't quite remember- but it was something suitably over-the-top and along those lines.

I must've sounded like an over-protective father.

Or maybe I just sounded like a weirdo.

It's fun to tease Miku. Her face goes bright red, and she completely forgets how to speak. It's kind of amazing, really. You should try it some time.

No thanks?

Ahaha.

I guess you're not as cheerfully sadistic as me, then.

Ha.

Blame Rin for my cruelty. It's entirely her fault.

Anyway, just as Miku was squeaking "I-it's not even like that!", our childish banter was interrupted by the arrival of the long awaited (for about five minutes) 'mystery person X'.

Miku's boyfriend.

At least...

It should have been Miku's boyfriend.

But it wasn't.

It wasn't a boy at all.

The boobs sort of gave it away- and they kind of difficult not to notice.

The girl who ran towards us was rather tall- far taller than me. By about a head. N-not that it's difficult to be taller than me. I mean, I'm pretty short- in case you hadn't already noticed. It was just another thing Rin and Miku liked to poke fun at me about...

Ahaha. I'm not bitter about it. I'm not bitter at all!

Every time Rin makes fun of my height I mix toilet water with her orange juice, so it's okay.

W-what?

No, I was only joking- don't take it to heart.

I would never do something like that!

…I don't think.

Of course, it didn't help that the tall girl was wearing high heels- and those heels were going clack clack clack as she ran gracefully towards us.

I think there should be a rule about tall girls being able to wear high heels. It's not fair. If you're that tall already, why do you need them? To make the short people feel even worse? Especially the short guys.

That's not cool.

Seriously.

She had long, salmon pink hair (an unusual color) and, though I couldn't tell at the moment- but Miku told me later, speaking in that gushy way of hers she usually saves to wax poetic on movie stars or singers- she had blue eyes. 'Like sapphires!' Miku had said- squealing so loudly you would've needed about fifteen exclamation points to fully punctuate it.

Her name was Megurine Luka.

An effortlessly beautiful girl. Or maybe I should've called her a 'woman', given how curvy her figure was. It was the complete opposite of Miku's. Her body was still flat as a board, and hadn't matured since kindergarten (save her height- of course). I teased Miku about a lot of things, but I never poked fun at her figure- even if Miku made jabs at mine. Girls can be self-conscious about that kind of thing.

Not Miku's 'boyfriend', then.

But...

Well.

I'm not a particularly dense person. At least, I like to think I'm not. My report cards are proof enough I'm not a complete idiot.

And I knew Miku and Luka were more than just friends.

Miku's eyes lit up when she saw Luka; shining like galaxies. Her love for the pink-haired girl was fairly… obvious…

But, then again, Miku has never been the world's most subtle person.

Miku's face went red when she saw Luka, though she tried to hide her blush behind her bangs- and when she introduced Luka to me, she called her 'my, u-um... my... 'friend...'

Miku stuttered far more than was necessary when she introduced me to her 'u-um, friend'.

And it was then that I realized.

Hatsune Miku, my best friend, was in love with another girl.

And I'd never even seen it coming.

But I suppose I'd had plenty of signs.

That awkward kiss in the library being one of them.

It didn't change my opinion of Miku- of course it didn't. That would be hypocritical, wouldn't it? A case of the pot calling the kettle black.

Or, in this case, the sick, incestuous boy calling his best friend disgusting for being a lesbian.

...Yeah.

It sounds quite harsh when you phrase it like that, doesn't it?

Being in love with somebody the same gender as you is nothing compared to loving your own twin. When Miku was with Luka, her face was wreathed with smiles the whole while. It would be cruel of me to say 'no, this is wrong' when it was obvious Miku was… overjoyed around Luka. I'd never seen her look so happy before; not even when she was with me. It was almost sickening, if I'm being perfectly honest- but, haha, you should probably ignore me.

I guess I'm just jealous.

A bitter, jealous, lonely teenager.

Can you blame me for being cynical, really?

I've... never liked seeing happy couples together.

Not even on TV.

Hmn.

Maybe that's the real reason why I can't stand sappy romance novels or movies.

Jealousy.

Maybe that's why I even felt like cheering at the end of Titanic.

Aha, I watched that movie with Miku and Rin for the first time when we were both about... thirteen, I think. Miku cried for hours; enough tears escaping from her eyes to almost sink a real ship. I, on the other hand, felt elated when I saw the damn thing splinter apart. I mean, that was the reason why I'd watched the movie in the first place- and I didn't like my historical documentaries being ruined with hammered-in, overly cheesy romantic drama.

In the words of my lovely sister Rin, "this is boring! Give me a call when everything goes to hell and the people start getting killed!"

...Yeah, I am a horrible person.

I guess I'm more like Rin than I thought.

I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, ahaha.

Titanic is probably the only movie Miku and I both enjoy, though. She loves the romantic aspects of it, and I like the history. She cries at the ending, and I feel like doing a victory dance. We enjoy it for different reasons, but that's okay. I think we've seen that movie like… thirteen or fourteen times between us.

...Those are fond memories.

Whoa, I didn't mean to reminisce.

E-even though this is nothing but reminiscing, really.

So I don't suppose it really matters if I go off on a tangent- b-but I hope I'm not boring you.

Anyway...

Ahem.

Despite my initial jealousy over Miku and Luka, I was happy for them. I liked Luka- I really did (despite the fact I had to crane my neck to look up at her, until it began to ache). After we'd been shopping (which had, essentially, boiled down to Miku dragging Luka around by her arm whilst Luka sighed and tried to pretend she wasn't enjoying herself- which she plainly was) the three of us sat down in a small cafe to talk. Miku sat next to Luka, far closer than was really necessary- and every time Luka turned her head to look at Miku, Miku's face went bright red.

Luka was quiet, like me- and I think maybe she was just a little shy, even though she was smiling. Maybe she was embarrassed because Miku was being so clingy- but she never pushed Miku away, or snapped at her. She would only laugh.

Luka had a nice laugh.

And Luka seemed to laugh a lot around Miku.

According to Miku, Luka was an art student at the local college- a whole three years older than us. That made me feel just a little bit better about Luka being so much taller than me. Miku said she'd met Luka a few months ago at the park. Luka had been drawing something, and Miku- being the curious person she was- had oh-so-subtly tried to see what it was.

It had been a girl.

A girl with long, turquoise hair tied up in two pigtails.

"I-it was me!" Miku exclaimed- and I could help but smile at how adorably flustered she was.

"I-it was embarrassing," said Luka, poking Miku in the cheek with her red-striped straw. "I didn't want you to see, because it made me feel like a weirdo... L-like a stalker or something, d-drawing a picture of you… A-and the picture wasn't even that good; not really. A-and yet you got so over-excited; all these people started staring at me..."

"I'm sorry~ I-I just... I couldn't help it. I was really flattered! Nobody's drawn a picture of me before," said Miku, smiling- coyly winding strands of turquoise hair round and round her finger.

"W-well. You were the..." Luka began- but her voice trailed away into infinity.

I must admit, I was curious. There were a large number of things I could insert after that phrase.

'You were the strangest person there', perhaps?

N-not that Miku acts that 'strange'. She's perfectly normal- her incredibly long hair that must drag down her head notwithstanding. I just like poking fun at Miku. It's fun trying to name all the different shades of red her face can turn.

You should try it some time.

It's soothing.

"What was I? What was I?" Miku asked, her voice becoming rather eager, as she tugged at Luka's arm.

"Y-you were…" Luka paused, looking down at her lap.

That was somewhat surprising.

Luka seemed like a very confident, self-assured person. I mean, any girl who could wear heels that high had to confident- assured that they wouldn't trip and fall over in the middle of the street.

Luka was the sort of person who commanded attention simply by being in a room. Her height might have had something to do with it; it was colossal!

Okay…

Okay, maybe it wasn't 'colossal'. I'm exaggerating.

I guess I'm a little bitter about my own lack of height.

Haha.

Rin's teasing must've gotten under my skin.

Y-you say I'm perfectly fine the way I am?

Ahaha- thank you.

O-oh, anyway…

Luka looked like a very confident person; especially given her leather jacket, short skirt and high heels. I know it's wrong to judge people by their clothes, but clothes can be a lot more telling than people think. Why else do you think I only ever wear long sleeved shirts?

N-not that I'm saying all people who wear long sleeved clothes are…

B-but you get the idea.

Therefore, it was… surprising- almost 'cute'- to see the mature, sophisticated, well-spoken Megurine Luka turn bright red.

"Y-you… were the prettiest person there… A-and you caught my eye. T-that's just how it was!" Luka finally admitted- caving into Miku's demands.

As soon as she'd said it she flushed, and had to duck her head- taking a sip of her iced tea just so she could hide her face, I think.

It was…

It was really cute.

Unexpected, but adorable.

Miku giggled at that, and then- in a show of 'love' straight from some corny movie- she gave Luka a quick kiss on the cheek.

Yeah.

They were definitely in love- I could tell. If they'd been characters in a video game, little pink hearts would've been fluttering around their heads, and hearts would've punctuated the end of every sentence that came from Miku's mouth.

They were like characters from a movie, I swear. I thought 'love' like that only existed in fairy tales or something- and Miku herself spoke about their friendship as though it was a fairytale; as though she were a heroine who'd been swept away by her one true love.

Luka got quite flustered at this, and would occasionally punctuate Miku's words with "well, I guess so but…" and "it wasn't like that" and "d-don't give your friend the wrong idea…"

Awww. I felt like patting Luka on the head (although we weren't really on head-patting terms- so it probably would've looked quite creepy).

Miku is a really sweet girl, but she can talk for hours and hours about topics she really likes. I figured this out at the tender age of five, when Miku corned me in the sand box and gave me a very long, very detailed description of her cat, 'Nyan-chan' (an… inspired name). You have to learn to shut Miku up before she makes your ears bleed. I guess Luka hadn't learnt about that 'shutting Miku up' thing, though- or maybe she was just too polite to try- because she let Miku talk and talk and talk.

In the end, it fell upon little old me to force the subject away from Luka and onto more neutral topics. Luka gave me a small, relieved smile and a nod at this- and I smiled back.

I think she liked me.

I think.

We still weren't on head-patting terms though; not like Miku and I.

The three of us were talking about music (Luka liked a load of the bands I did, strangely enough), when Luka's ring tone interrupted us. Luka's ring tone was a surprise, too. She'd spoken excitedly about some metal bands she really liked (but apparently she had a soft spot for classical music, too, and she'd been playing the violin for four years)- but her ring tone was a strangely familiar song I'd heard on TV more than a couple of times.

Maybe you've heard of this song, too.

It's about as far away from death metal as you can get. It's like… I'm not going to sing it, but it's…

Ahem.

'Get this, you're loving it, vegetable juice-'

Yeah, you do know that song!

Everybody does. It's on that one commercial they run all the time, with a girl in it who looks eerily like Miku singing about… wishing bloody murder on people who don't like her juice, I guess. Actually… it's quite a creepy advert.

I'm sorry, I'm giving this more thought that I should. Ignore me.

Every time that ad comes on TV Rin'll get up and start to dance along with it for the twenty seconds or so it graces the screen- just because it's that catchy.

I know the dance too.

Everybody does.

Even you, huh?

Your daughter really likes that ad?

You're sick of hearing it?

Hahaha- I understand what you mean! It's irritatingly catchy!

Luka flushed in embarrassment (it was completely understandable) as that song filled the café. It didn't really fit Luka's image. I knew, almost at once, from Miku's sheepish smile, that she was the cause of that inappropriate ring tone.

Miku must have fiddled around with Luka's phone when the pink-haired girl's back was turned.

What a sneaky girl.

Anyway, Luka had to excuse herself shortly after that phone call. She said she was very sorry, but she had to leave- something about her stupid friend Gakupo being locked out of their apartment and he'd lost his key, so could she please come over and let him in?

Luka gave me a small smile and said something along the lines of "it was nice to see you, Len" (she was a very polite person) and then Luka turned to Miku. She looked... confused, for a few seconds- and almost nervous; before, seeming to say 'screw it', she bent down, cupped Miku's flustered cheek with her fingers, and pressed a quick kiss against Miku's lips.

When Luka left, turning many heads as she did so- she was undeniably pretty- Miku and I were left in silence. The noise and chatter of the other people in the cafe washed over us; and Miku sat there, her face flushed and a silly smile quirking the corners of her mouth, as she nursed her half-finished glass of vegetable juice in her hands.

"L-luka's my... m-my g... my... gi-gi..." Miku started- her voice about as broken as the plate Rin dropped the night before.

I had to supply the word 'girlfriend' for Miku- and Miku nodded, looking strangely relieved.

Miku's fingers gripped around her glass of vegetable juice (disgusting stuff, no matter what the advert says. Everybody knows adverts are all complete fabrications to appeal to your base instincts so you buy all sorts of useless crap you don't want or need) so tightly her knuckles turned white, and I was seriously concerned that Miku would shatter it. Miku, despite her girlish appearance, was quite strong. Not as strong as Rin- but I'd been on the receiving end of a few of Miku's punches before (usually because I was teasing her- Miku wasn't really that violent, and I deserved every jab in the ribs or flick to the forehead she'd ever given me), and they were quite painful. I had no doubts that Miku could've shattered that glass if she really wanted to- and she seemed determined to try.

"Hey, stop that," I said, reaching forwards to pull the glass from Miku's steel grip.

Miku surprised me, however. She released the glass almost immediately, nearly toppling it over- and then she seized my wrist, using the same bone-crushing strength she'd previously used to hold the glass.

I was kind of worried she'd actually break me.

If Miku was that rough with Luka, Luka's artist and musical prospects could end up being severely damaged.

O-okay, I'm sorry- I'm being a pervert.

I can't help it.

Lesbians are still hot- even to a guy like them.

Even if one of them is my ditzy, air-headed, turquoise-haired best friend.

…Geez. I'm a creeper.

Miku looked at me intently, her eyes wide, her expression deadly serious.

"Y-you don't think it's weird, do you?" Miku asked, her voice dropping in volume.

"Yes. I think you're very weird. I always have done," I joked lightly. I mean, I know it was cruel- but Miku was hurting me.

"I-I mean... About... About Luka..." Miku clarified, her face red with embarrassment. Honestly, I think Miku's face spent a good seventy percent of that day bright red- which couldn't have been healthy.

I couldn't help but wonder if she'd explode if I pushed her buttons even harder- but, ultimately, I decided not to.

That would have been mean.

And not even I was that cruel.

"It's not weird. It's not weird at all," I reassured Miku.

Miku looked at me in disbelief, as though she'd expected me to... I don't know. Throw the glass of vegetable juice in her face or something. Maybe she'd been hoping for a more dramatic end to her confession- but, to be perfectly honest, I wasn't the glass-throwing type of person.

I didn't really like making a scene.

"R-really?" Miku asked.

"Really. I mean, you could be in love with a potted plant for all I care. You'd still be the same dorky, weird girl with a crooked nose to me," I said, smirking.

"M-my nose isn't crooked!" Miku said, clapping her fingers against her face just to make sure- and this made both of us laugh.

Laughter was good.

It diffused the tension somewhat.

"I honestly... I-I thought you'd... think it was strange. I-it is strange. Isn't it?" said Miku, once her nose-related trauma had subsided.

"It's not, honestly. You could like whoever you wanted, and it wouldn't change you. Being in love with Luka doesn't make you a different person- it just... adds to the Hatsune Miku-ness of you. As a whole. If you get what I'm saying," I said, using my 'amazing powers of eloquence'.

Miku giggled again, and reached over to poke me in the cheek- very nearly upending her vegetable juice again. I guess the relief made her clumsy; I had to take hold of the drink and push it to the furthest end of the table, free of Miku's flailing arms.

"You're bad at talking, Len. You're sweet- but you suck at explaining things," said Miku.

"Oh, that's right. Insult me. Insult me when I'm trying to comfort you," I said, rolling my eyes.

Miku apologized, still smiling.

"How long have you been going out with Luka, then?" I asked.

Miku tapped her lower lip with her finger and looked around the nondescript cafe, pondering. She said she thought it was about two months- but she wasn't really sure. 'Time just flies when I'm with Luka!' was what Miku said- not a trace of irony in her voice.

Bleurghhh.

How long had Miku been waiting to use those cheesy quotes stolen from romance novels?

I had to mime being sick at that.

I just had to.

I hope you understand.

Miku poked my cheek again at that, and said I was... I don't know, 'a heartless person who didn't understand true love!', and I probably replied with another half-hearted insult, and in a matter of seconds we were bickering with each other again.

"Why didn't you tell me about Luka anyway? I thought you 'trusted' me?" I said, my fingers providing little mid-air quoety marks of disbelief around that one word.

'Trust.'

"I do trust you," said Miku. She sobered up quite quickly after that question- looking down at her lap, lacing her fingers together. Her voice was little more than a whisper when she admitted, "I-I was just... scared..."

"I'm scary? I don't have two heads or anything," I said.

"I know... It's just... E-ever since I started junior high boys have been... I-I've heard them talking about me... A-and they watch me... B-but no girls. Never girls. S-so I thought it wasn't normal..." said Miku, flushing.

Miku and I had a heart-to-heart after that. Fairly predictable stuff; things like 'you should always be true to your true self!' (yeah. That'd be a bundle of laughs for me, trying to follow that one) and 'it's okay, it's not weird' (which I had to repeat an awful lot, just to keep Miku smiling). You can probably figure out for yourself how the conversation went- but I don't really want to tell you.

It's private.

Besides, it's kind of sappy.

And embarrassing.

I-isn't that just a little strange?

I-I told you all about all that stuff with Tei... And Rin... A-and yet I feel even more uncomfortable talking to you about this?

How does that work?

Well, 'this' topic is really more about Miku than me. It's not really my place to share this information. I-I wouldn't have done, either, if it wasn't important.

But it is.

I-I'm sorry for spilling your secret, Miku.

Miku told me she would have told me sooner- but she was scared. Scared of being rejected, I suppose; and that would have broken her heart. She said she was sorry if she'd been distant lately- but she'd had a lot on her mind, and she hadn't been sure how to communicate it.

I said it was okay.

After all, I'd been fairly 'distant' too- wrapped up in my own problems.

But, after our encounter in the cafeteria, when Miku said she 'trusted' me, Miku realized how much she meant that. She really did. And she wanted to prove it by introducing me to Luka.

"I-I was a little scared… B-but I was sure you'd support me. T-that's what friends do, right?" said Miku, smiling that innocent, naïve little smile that suggested she knew nothing about how human beings really functioned.

But, then again…

I was glad she didn't.

If being naïve meant Miku was happy…

Then that was all I cared about.

Miku deserved to be happy.

Miku and I sat there in the café, the comforting, homely smell of coffee and cakes dancing through the air. We had some weird knack, the two of us, for being able to pick out of the way places to sit in otherwise crowded environments- because the cafe was kind of L-shaped, and the table we chose was round the corner of the 'L' shape. Most of the other people were sat by the entrance- but Miku and I were separate from all of them. The only indication the other people were still there was the sounds of their conversations- but their voices could have been emitting from a whole other world, speaking a whole other language, for all the attention we paid it.

I guess our inbuilt ability to find the quietest of corners to hide away in showed that Miku and I were both shy people.

Birds of a feather flock together?

Miku smiled at me as our conversation drew to a close- and it looked like her eyes were watering, although it have been a trick of the light. Maybe I was seeing things.

"Thank you, Len. You're... such a kind person. I-I was stupid to ever doubt you," said Miku.

I laughed, tugging at one of her twin tails- a habit I'd developed since kindergarten. Miku used to be quite selfish when she was a child (I'm not sure when that changed), and she'd frequently try and steal my toy dinosaur. The only way to halt Miku's tyrannical reign was to pull her hair- and I guess the habit stuck, even though we both grew up and grew closer.

"You were stupid to doubt me. But I forgive you," I said.

"T-thank you... I-if you'd turned your back on me... I-I don't know what I would've done," said Miku. I soon realized those sparkling eyes weren't a trick of the light- because a few seconds later, Miku really started to cry; tears running down her cheek before she could wipe them away.

I'm not sure if she even realized she was crying or not.

But, as I laughed at her and mopped those tears away with a napkin, I was... reminded of something.

Tei.

Tei, looking at me with those hopeful, trusting eyes.

And I'd betrayed that trust.

I'd...

I'd killed her.

I might as well have pushed her under the car myself.

But Miku was different.

Miku was crying, sure- but I think they were tears of relief more than anything else; and, as her eyes widened (realizing, I guess, that tears were trickling down her cheeks onto the table top), she slowly began to laugh. Through her tears, and through her initial confusion- the fear of being rejected- Miku laughed.

I...

I think I might have helped her- simply by being there.

Simply by listening to her fears and comforting her; not running away.

Running away didn't solve anything.

And, as Miku and I sat together, both laughing- truly laughing (I don't think I could have acted that well for the world)- I began to realize something.

I might not have been able to save Tei.

But that didn't make me a bad person.

Miku didn't think I was a bad person.

And...

I couldn't keep running from my fears.

I couldn't turn my back on them and purge them all out with pain when nobody was watching.

I had to confront my own fear head-on, just like Miku had done.

Then...

Then I'd be able to smile just as happily as Miku was.

I had to tell Rin.

I had to.

It was the only way I'd be able to go forwards.

It was the only way I'd be able to grow.

And so, thanks to Hatsune Miku and Megurine Luka, another domino was knocked over.

And the chain reaction began.

The beginning of the end?

I guess you could call it that if you like.

Miku and Luka were… 'destined' for happiness, I suppose.

But some people aren't.

And…

I hadn't quite grasped that then.

B-but…

But I understand that now.

I-I really, truly do.