Keep Trying

I disappointed everyone.

I almost killed him.

I pushed him away.

I fell in love with him.

I gave up.

Every girl dreams of a happy ending, filled with their perfect guy, sweeping them off their feet and walking off into the sunset.

Stop the happy ending. It's not happening.

I had my chance. I really did. He loved me. I didn't realize it. I pushed him away.

Then the ripple had to come back, I had to fall in love with him.

I tried to fall out of love, but every time I see him I fall in love with him all over again. I just… loved him.

Every time I reflect on him, I end up reflecting on the rest of my life.

I remember when my parents died. I watched the flames dance around my house, dropping my bag. I had planned to tell them everything that happened to me that day, I aced the test, I had perfect aim, I beat up a bully, I made a new friend.

But as I watched my house burn down, it didn't really matter anymore.

Next time, I was kneeling on senbons. I wanted to prove I wasn't a weak little orphan girl. Tears streamed down my face, but I stayed for the full five minutes. Glory lasts for a short while. I was known as the freaky girl who couldn't feel pain.

I was broken. I was an orphan, my classmates ignored me. My grades suffered, I stopped paying attention in class.

Until Neji started to befriend me.

It wasn't even friendship to start with. It was more like, 'you're my classmate' and it turned to acquaintance then… well I guess it turned into friendship.

It kind of changed after that. I was happier, my grades soared, I no longer had my emo moments. It seemed like the world was suddenly brighter with Neji by my side.

I was ecstatic when I found out we were in the same cell. Now I wish we weren't. If we weren't, I probably would've never fallen in love with him.

I can still remember the day he rejected me.

"Tenten, I've moved on."

They ring in my head every night when I try to sleep, they ring in my head when I see him, they ring in my head when I think about him.

I can't make him fall in love with me again.

I can't stop loving him.

But I can try to amend our lost friendship.

"Anou… Neji…"

"…Hn," he glanced back at me and then away.

"I'm… sorry about the way I acted before. I know I shouldn't have… jumped on you, and I can't say I didn't mean that I love you. I do love you but," I shifted around nervously, "I know I can't make you fall in love with me again, but… I just want you to give me another chance. I'm aware we can't be a couple, like Sakura and Sasuke, but… can we… be friends? Like before?"

He glanced at me, "…"

"I really miss sparring with you and watching you improve over time. I want to be the one who helps you perfect your techniques. So… please?"

"…All right," he said after a moment of consideration, "Just don't… go all lovey dovey."

I jerked my head up and smiled, "I won't!"

And we're back like we were before. Friends. Just friends. Sparring, maybe dinner at Ichiraku if we ended at around 8, an occasional chat, and we went to festivals together.

As friends.

We never held hands, he'd never glance at me and smile gently. He would never whisper anything into my ear, or hold me close. He would never kiss me, even just a friendship kiss.

As friends.

It hurt. It really hurt, to see all the couples. To see all the happy couples, then look at myself. I'm like them. I'm a kunoichi, I'm wearing a kimono, holding a fan. I'm here with a male, I'm with him, he's with me. It's just that…

We're not together.

It really hurt at first, but I got used to it. I had to wake up to reality. I couldn't keep living in my fantasy land.

"You're late."

"I'm sorry," I said abruptly and set my bag down, pulling out another scroll, "Let's start."

It was all reality. The pain, the wounds, the fatigue.

It was as if nothing ever happened. He would never hold back against me anymore, like when I first rejected him. The gentle touch was gone.

There were times when he would glance at me with sympathy, and offer to take me to the hospital if his Jyuuken hit a vital spot.

There were rarer moments when he would actually stop abruptly and come over to help me up, usually when I wasn't paying attention and I was hit with my own weapons.

Slowly over time, we became good friends again. Just like before. He knew of my feelings for him, and he never treated me any different.

I gave up, but I kept trying. I gave up on my feelings towards him, but I kept trying to become his friend again. And it worked.

I kept trying to improve as well. Even Gai and Tsunade-sama herself congratulated me occasionally when I returned from missions. When I passed the ANBU exams as junior captain, Neji himself being the captain, I was ecstatic.

I can never brush off that feeling of being unwanted, unloved, rejected, not good enough.

But I can always keep trying to improve.

"Hey Neji! Let's spar!"

"Hn."

I'm not his lover, I'm not his girlfriend. I'm simply… his friend.

"Congratulations Tenten-chan! You have truly blossomed into a beautiful flower!"

Recognition at last. I was never his favorite, it was Lee. Next came Neji. Apparently Gai liked cold, arrogant, hot, prodigy bastards. I was last. My pays were the lowest, I barely participated in battle. Now my pays are decent. Gai has come to some sense and finally given each of us an equal share. I battle more now, as my skills have improved.

"Congratulations! The first junior captain in the ANBU to be a weapons mistress… you must be proud of yourself."

I was. I was proud that I didn't give up.

Then… it seemed as if everything came crashing down.

"Tenten, I'm getting married."

XxOoOoOoOxX

I sat in the first row and fingered my kimono lightly.

I can't take this.

My heart is breaking, my eyes are tearing up, I'm trying to stop the tears.

"Yukina, will you take this man, Hyuuga Neji to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do."

I can't bear to see him being married.

I can't. I still love him.

"Do you, Hyuuga Neji, take this woman, Makiwa Yukina to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"…"

My head jerked up.

"…Neji?" I whispered, hoping he'd hear, "You're supposed to say yes."

He glanced back at me and half smirked. He did hear.

"No."

I straightened up, "Neji! Not no, yes!"

"Excuse me?"

Neji wrenched his arm away from Yukina and approached me.

"I can't marry her. I'm in love with someone else."

The whole room slowly turned to me.

But he…

"Tenten. I'm sorry. I never fell out of love with you. I only tried to."

I… I gave up. This can't be happening.

"I still love you."

I stared at him and felt the tears well up, "Neji…"

"Tenten… will you marry me?"

"…Yes."

XxOoOoOoOxX

Here I am.

Two months later, I'm now officially Hyuuga Tenten.

I thought I'd given up, but I kept trying. I kept trying, and here I am, in his arms. My lover's arms. My husband's arms.

I love him. He loves me.

We're both happy.

I gave up.

I kept trying.

I kept trying…

And I succeeded.