Proof of Life

I would always remember that every winter, I would be so excited for spring when the trees were no longer naked and cherry blossoms were scattered on the ground; I couldn't wait for winter to end. This year, however, is a lot different. It's strange because I've always hated the cold but then again, this year's winter hasn't been that cold. I've enjoyed this past winter more than I've ever had my entire life and I didn't have to wait for a spring that would never come.

Do you remember what we did this winter, Len? I remember. I will always remember. I remember us walking down the road when it was snowing on a really cold morning. That was my fault for despite the fact that you hated to go out that morning, you still did just because I insisted I needed fresh air. Well, you know what? I thought you needed the morning air more than I did; you were looking really bad that morning. In fact, you looked even sicker than me and I could worry a lot too, you know. You wore that blue scarf and those brown, worn boots that day. It's funny but it's the little details that I seem to remember most. The landscape was just awesome. I never appreciated winter scenery much before but now that I looked at the white coated countryside, I saw how beautiful it was and couldn't help but take a deep breath to take it all in.

"Rin, are you okay?" you asked, "Do you feel cold?"

"I'm fine, Len," I would say so often that it felt like we were going through some sort of script, "Really. How about you, are you cold?"

"No." I knew you were lying. I could see you shivering. You never had much tolerance for winter – much like me – despite both of us being born on that season. Now that I think about it, isn't that kind of weird?

You were always asking about my health since that day and I would always assure you that I was fine. I wasn't lying; I swear I felt great – you were always there to make sure I did. I just dropped the dishes that night and the next thing I knew, I was in a hospital room. I was really scared at first because I didn't know where I was, but then I saw you next to me and I felt your warm hand holding mine…I knew that everything was alright if you were still there. You never told me what we were doing at the hospital, but I managed to put two and two together. That same night I planted a single sunflower seed in that clay pot near my window. I usually wait until spring to plant flowers but this just couldn't wait – I wanted to leave something behind before I go. It was stupid really 'cause even if I did plant something it still wouldn't grow during winter, would it? I bet you thought it was stupid too, didn't you Len? But you still helped me water it.

There were also does nights when you would play the piano and I would sing while you played. You were always great at playing the piano but you would play such sad songs. I didn't want to sing to sad songs so I made you play happy ones to which we could sing together. I liked it when we sing together; those were my favorite parts of winter. But there was a time when I couldn't hear you playing the piano anymore. It was New Year's Eve then so I wondered why you weren't playing; On Christmas, we had sung carols non-stop. Then it wasn't just the piano I couldn't hear. The fireworks scattered across the skies but I couldn't hear the booms, the bangs, not even the crackles. I watched silent colors flash across the sky and I was frightened how muted they were. I screamed but I couldn't even hear my own voice. I screamed louder – still nothing. By the time you had rushed into my room, I was already crying. You held me tight and tried to comfort me with words I couldn't hear. I just cried harder knowing I could never hear your voice again.

Losing my voice didn't stop me from singing with you. It was getting harder to get out of bed but it would be worth it if I could sing with you. You would always smile when I sung. I probably sounded horrible, now that I've lost my hearing but I didn't really care. I loved it when you smiled.

Now, I'm back at the place where I dragged you that snowy morning. Well, at least I'm trying to get back. It's snowing harder today than it was on that day so it's a bit difficult going back. Don't worry though, I watered the flower pot on the windowsill before I left. It still isn't growing but I bet it's just waiting for the sun. I mean, it IS a sunflower after all. My feet and hands are beginning to feel numb and everything seems to be phasing from black and white. Ugh, why won't my feet move? Move, legs, move! Please, not when I'm so close. It's no use, they just won't budge. All I can do now is watch as the snow falls on my face. It's such a pleasant feeling and I don't feel like moving any time soon. In fact, why am I even here? Where was I planning on going?*

Len, I'm sorry that I had to go without you. I didn't want to bring you along since it was snowing so hard and I didn't want you to catch a cold. I didn't want to leave you behind. I didn't want to rot away. I wanted to spend spring with you, when we would watch the cherry blossoms bloom. I'm really sorry that I couldn't. I hope you keep watering the flower so that maybe one day, it could look up to the sun. I would like to see that.

I know I've been such a burden this past couple of weeks, but you never gave up on me. Though I couldn't hear and barely could even see, I knew that I was never alone and that you were always there by my side. And maybe I've never said this enough but…

I love you.

Thank you so much.