Chapter 4
Secrets Don't Last Forever
It's time to sing now, caged little bird.
Sing to the world around you,
prove nothing is wrong.
Fill the free people's hearts with glee-
the glee you wish you could give to yourself.
After all, you are nothing more
than a helpless caged canary.
Trapped in a mine of your own guilt
coughing from the dust of regret,
and caged in bars of your own stubbornness.
You sing, waiting for the day
that is otherwise inevitable.
That coal dust is going to kill you.
You'll be the last to flee,
If at all.
Warn the others so they can escape,
while you stay trapped.
Sing, oh sing, little canary.
Sing for the glee you wish you can have,
but are too stubborn to receive.
Sing for the day that will never come.
Do you see a light, little canary? The tunnel's end, where there is fresh air? No more dust, no more smoke, and a blue sky high above you? The light is steadily growing- slowly, but definitely growing. The cage you are is starts to melt away. Do you see the hope?
But before you can sing of true freedom, before you can savor a true taste of the blue sky, the bars seem to double and a lock is put onto the cage. While you cry, looking frantically for the cause of this cage's extra security, the ground starts to shake violently. Rocks fall from the top of the tunnel, blocking the entrance and covering that light you have only begun to see. More of the coal's dust starts to cover the area like a think smog, causing you to choke and suffocate.
How are you going to fly now, little canary?
You cry and cry, but a familiar voice calls out to you:
"My little canary, why do you hide yourself inside a prison?
Why do you keep everything and everyone at the largest distance you can manage?
Does no one deserve your love? Is that what you're trying to say?
Or are you trying to say something different?
My little canary, why do you sing of freedom if you're the only one that is keeping the cage closed?
Why do you sing with such sadness if you're the one doing this to yourself?
Why do you sing with this burden in your heart, if it was never your fault?
Why sing of blame, when you're no where near at fault?
My little canary, please don't hide from anyone else any longer.
Some promises were made to be broken,
and there's no shame in that.
Because like a fire, it causes change. It burns, and sometimes destroys...
But like a fire, it creates warmth and passion, and we couldn't live without it.
And like fire, it gives the chance for new things to grow...
My little canary, stop singing of the dust that fills your lungs.
Please, go spread your wings and fly in the clear, blue sky.
Stop thinking of your master that has long abandoned you in the coal mine,
and find something that is worth it all.
My little canary, can't you see?
You try so hard to prevent a mistake that might happen in the future.
You try so hard to fix the past that you can't reach.
You try so hard to keep your own inner beast from destroying what you love...
But, my little canary, can't you see?
You're hurting everyone just by dying in your cage,
when you could find new joy in others around you.
You're hurting yourself by forcing yourself to remember,
instead of letting go and finding new memories to live for.
You're putting blame on yourself that was never your fault,
and tearing your own self to pieces.
My little canary, please fly free.
Lessons are to be learned from mistakes,
but mistakes are not the thing to hold onto.
Please..."
It's time to sing now, caged little bird.
Sing to the world around me,
prove nothing is wrong.
I'll fill the free people's hearts with glee-
the glee I wish I could give to myself.
After all, I am nothing more
than a helpless caged canary.
Trapped in a mine of my own guilt
coughing from the dust of regret,
and caged in bars of my own stubbornness.
I sing, waiting for the day
that is otherwise inevitable.
That coal dust is going to kill me.
I'll be the last to flee,
If at all.
I'll warn the others so they can escape,
while I stay trapped.
Sing, oh sing, little canary.
I'll sing for the glee I wish I can have,
but I'm too stubborn to receive.
Sing for the day that will never come.
Rin's POV:
School had ended with the signaling bell. With my backpack on and one strap in my hand, I started walking home. Many thoughts ran through my mind as I stared at my moving feet, most of them involving Len and, well, him.
The first thing that had entered my mind was the blonde young man I had met today. He seemed like a caring person, and reacted with such a nice behavior after I had acted so rudely to him in the hallway; he even saved me from facing sudden doom if I had entered my first hour class. Len had this certain cheerful aura around him that wasn't too silly and dork-ish, but enough to lighten the atmosphere. His behavior almost reminds me of him...
But who is this 'he', anyway?
I always tried to force myself to remember, just like I promised. But part of me wanted him gone. I keep telling myself that I can't remember who he was, or who he is, and that I couldn't even remember his name. And maybe I can't remember all those things clearly because humans weren't made to linger on the past forever.
But not everything I say is true.
I remember who he was. He was a lot like Len, or maybe it's the other way around. He was a very kind soul. Very generous, spending as much of his free time as he could with me. But he was also a very busy person, working hard to get ahead in education and in life. But I guess that's the way it's supposed to go in this world- education is always first.
I could never see bad in him, however.
As for a name, it's starting to come back to me. How can a person forget a name? A face maybe, but never a name. I just refuse to tell myself that name, in hopes that I can let it go. But at the same time, I don't want to let the memories go.
I am just so damn confused!
I want to let it go, to stop this pain and hopefully move on. After all, It's not like I'm ever going to see this guy again. But at the same time, I don't want to let go. If I let go, I'd be letting go of everything I had ever learned.
I want to love again.
I want to never love again.
I want to be free.
I want to be caged forever!
"Gah!" I shook my head violently, trying to shake the thoughts from my brain. I had no need for this.
Sighing, my head lifted up to see where I was, only a few houses down from my own house. My steps slowed as I took in the area around me for the first time in a while. The neighborhood was nice and tidy, most of the one- or two- houses being a soft shade of white or tan. Each yard had healthy grass or a colorful collection of decorative rocks- all yards being attractive yet original in their own way. The street had the occasional cars driving down, but it wasn't the liveliest street out there. And it was quiet and peaceful, with children playing outside and the birds chirping happily.
A smile climbed up my face for the first time since my thinking had started up again. With a new attitude, I started walking up to my house, opening the door, with a key, without any indication of me being home.
There wasn't much sound inside except for the TV going on about some great new product or another the world couldn't live without, meaning I was probably home first again. My feet dragged me over to the living room, while my body flopped itself onto the couch. I reached for the remote for the television, starting to flip through it.
"Garbage. Trash. Nah. Not interesting enough. I don't even know what the hell this is... Come on!" I groaned after finding absolutely nothing on. With nothing else to drive me, I switched the TV off and stared at the blank, black screen. Silence filled the room as my mind started to bring up the subject from last hour.
Do I really want to go out with Len?
"It's not really going out, is it?" I asked to nothing but the empty air. "I mean, I just met him and all, and we're just hanging out. After all, there's no such thing as true love. You have to work for love, and work even harder to keep it. You have to work almost as hard as you do to keep a promise. That's what you taught me, isn't it?"
No one answered my question.
My heart started beating in my hears and my throat with a beat like wild drumming. It started hurting- not as bad as the lashing, merciless pain from three years ago, but rather a dulled, humming ache. One you might feel from a cut that never completely healed. I could feel water running down my cheeks slightly, causing my hands to reach up to my face and remove the small amount of tears from it. My voice was released in the form of a shaky sigh.
"Why do I still think about you?"
No sound arose from the house I was in for several moments. In those moments I laid still, listening to the sound of my breathing and the sound of my heart beat slowing back down to normal. After all, it had been three long years.
My silence was interrupted by the sound of the phone ringing from the coffee table in front of me. My hand reached for it and brought it back, letting me see who it was. And I hesitated. I listened to the rings go by- once, twice- before finally picking it up.
"Hello?"
"Rinny!" The cheerful voice answered to me, and I could practically see the smile behind the phone that was appearing on the girl's face.
"Hey Miku," I spoke nonchalantly, not as excited as I should be. Wouldn't most girl's my age be completely jittery and nervous before a date? I was nervous yes, but not excited... I was more on my guard than anything. "What's up?"
"Nothing much, but I heard you got a date with Len~" Miku sang in her singsong voice. My body flinched as my mind collected what she had said. So that's what people thought.
"We're not on a date! We're just hanging out," I wish people would just stop assuming.
"Sure you are. You've just happened to run into one of the most wanted guys on campus, and you just so happen to be hanging out with him. Such a believable story, Rinny-kins,"
That's when I felt my temper rise. "I am NOT going out with him!" I growled.
"Alright, Rinny. Whatever you say," Her voice continued in a whispering tone, "But you have to admit he's hot,"
I sighed into the phone, "No, I don't admit it. Miku, you know I don't look for this kind of thing. Besides, he's more fit for yaoi bait than anything else,"
"But Rinny-kiiiiins~" she sang, "That's just the problem! You need to start looking! You're practically the only one in school that hasn't had a date. Well, except for those freshmen, and you don't want to be labeled as one, do you?"
"No, I don't. But-"
"No buts, Rinny. That's it! I got a plan,"
"What is this master plan of yours?"
"You'll find out soon. I'll be over in ten minutes,"
"Wait! Miku-!" but a click told me she had already hung up. Another one of the repeating sighs escaped my lips as I waited for the doom that this aqua-haired girl was going to bestow upon me.
Regular:
A scowled remained plastered on Rin's face as she watched the mirror's reflection- there she was, sitting on a stool in front of the dresser as the aqua-haired girl stood behind her, running a brush delicately through the blonde locks of hair. She seemed to have a concentrated look on her face, as if taking apart a ticking bomb. She tried to get every stand just perfect- every strand in place.
"Is this really necessary?" Rin asked, her eyes rolling upwards to see what the other girl was doing to her hair in the reflection. On Miku's wrists were hair ties, each with a white flower on them. She slowly and perfectly gathered two pigtails from the blonde hair, tying them in place with the hair ties.
"It's perfectly necessary, Rinny-kins!~" she sang, smiling at the reflection as her hands pulled away from the blonde locks. "You look so cute!"
"I look like you," Rin replied, raising an eyebrow at the fact that her friend would use her own style on her. In the reflection the aqua-haired girl just smiled back, completely proud of your work.
"But you pull it off so well!" Her hands reached for the dresser as she grabbed some blush and other make-up products. At the sight of such a thing the blonde continued to scowl, obviously not liking the idea of having make-up.
"I am not wearing that," she grumbled, turning away.
"Why do you have to be so difficult, Rinny?" Miku whined, "Don't you want to look cute for your little date this evening?"
"It's not a date!" she growled, whipping her body around to face the Hatsune. There was a few seconds of silence, before the blonde sighed. If Miku didn't have her way, she'd find a way. So Rin gave in, closing her eyes. "Go ahead,"
The Hatsune gave a small giggle before going on and applying a soft shade of pink to the blonde's cheeks, spreading it evenly and blending it in professionally. Soon a soft shade of blue was added to her eyelids, then a very thin layer of lipstick. After a quick check to make sure everything was nice and perfect, Miku said with a nod, "All done. And you look perfect,"
Rin had only a moment to take in her reflection- she found her appearance to be more mature, with the exception of the pigtails, and a lot more attractive than on a normal basis- before some thoughts started to come back to her. She looked like she was going to an official date, and she never wanted that. She didn't want to date.
Her stomach started to twist slightly with nervousness.
"Now, time to put on the outfit," Miku sang.
The time was now around five; the sun was still a couple hours from setting. The sky was a nice shade of blue, with clouds nowhere to be seen. Birds sang in some nearby trees of the city park where a certain young gentleman waited patiently for someone to arrive. He could hear the laughter of children from the nearby playground, giving the area a sense of security. He smiled to himself, finding it to be a fine time to be out.
The sound of footsteps soon caught his attention as he turned around, spotting a familiar looking girl not too far away. Her blonde hair was tied into pigtails with white flower hair ties, and she wore an orange decorative blouse with a silky white skirt. He chuckled slightly, seeing how cute and innocent she looked with this outfit. "Hey," he called out to her.
"Hey yourself," Rin smiled, slightly embarrassed by the fact that Miku made her dress up for a date that never was while the boy in front of her was in a simple uniform- a red shirt covered by his black hoodie, and khaki shorts.
With a small awkward silence remaining in the air, neither Rin or Len knew what to do in this particular moment. Without much inspiration, the sophomore boy held out his hand for the girl with a small smile on his face. "How about a walk?"
She hesitated slightly before taking his hand. After all, they were just hanging out, right? "Sure,"
The two walked down the sidewalk path together, just relaxing and enjoying everything around them in this city park. The scent of fresh earth and barbecues were covering the air, and the continuing sounds of laughing children and birds echoed throughout the park. Looking around, the two took in the sights of the deep green pines and the autumn reds and oranges of all the other plants around.
Distracted by all the wonders of the scenery, the blonde girl mistook her step and started falling to the ground, only having time to catch herself with her arms. She landed with a thud on the ground, and her face twisted with slight pain from the fall. Without hesitation, Len turned to her, kneeling on the ground next to her. "Are you alright?"
Rin looked up at him, seeing the concern in his eyes. "I'm not sure,"
"Can you walk?"
Carefully she tried getting up from the ground, only to collapse again onto the sidewalk. She winced slightly from the ache radiating from her ankle, before showing the obvious answer with a shake of her head. With a second of thought, Len held out his hand to her, grabbing her by the shoulders and slowly lifting her off the ground.
Not before long he was carrying her piggy back style, heading over to a nearby bench not far from they path they were currently on. Len gently set her down onto the bench before kneeling down to check the injury to Rin's ankle. Meanwhile, Rin took this time to mentally curse Miku for the dress-up.
"It doesn't look that bad," Len spoke up, before taking a small bit of medical wrap from a small first aid kit and wrapping it around the injury. She hissed under her breath, before speaking out loud.
"Damn Miku. I told her I didn't need to dress up, now look where I am," she growled, cursing her friend. She waited until he was done before a question popped into her mind. "Why are you carrying around the first aid anyway?"
"My mother's a bit overprotective," he answered with a slight chuckle, putting everything back into the first aid box, and returning the box itself back into his pocket. Len got up, only to sit next to the blonde girl on the bench. She only responded with somewhat of a giggle herself.
"Probably not as bad as my mother. She probably wouldn't let me go outside if she heard about us hanging out,"
This caught Len's amusement. "And why is that?"
"She's just mom, I guess," Rin shrugged, a smile tugging at her lips. Her heart started to flutter slightly while sitting next to this boy, both of them enjoying the comfortable atmosphere around them.
"Looks like it's going to be winter soon," Len spoke up after a few moments of silence, hoping to bring up a new conversation. With raised eyebrows, Rin looked in his direction.
"How do you know that?"
He smiled, running a hand through his blonde hair and pointing up at the flock of birds flying high in the sky. They flew together in perfect unison, with synchronized dives and rises- even the occasional flap of the wings were completely together. They were all a single unit, together, and free. Rin couldn't help but smile at the sight. "When you see all the birds gather into huge groups, it means it's going to get colder,"
"I hope it does,"
"Why?" now it was the young boy's turn to ask the question.
"Because that means Christmas is around the corner, silly," she smiled full out at him, feeling the fuzziness in her chest as she did so. There was nothing holding back the joy she felt around him. Not regret, not fear, not guilt. It was purely happiness that hung in the air.
Maybe this is what new beginnings are for.
Without warning he reached his hand out to her head, letting it rest in her golden locks for a second. She looked up, confusion on her face before he shook his hand, completely undoing the pigtails and letting her hair lay flat among her shoulders as normal.
"What was that for?" She asked him. He smiled in her direction, lowering his hand so it rested over hers. A small blush formed on Rin's face as he did so, but she did not let out any sign of rejection to the gesture.
"I think you look cuter just like that,"
That warm feeling in her chest doubled, making her smile blossom. Her cheeks grew even redder at the compliment, and a small giggle erupted from her mouth. One that caused Len's smile to grow as well.
The comfortable silence sat between them for a while before their faces grew closer together ever so slowly. Both pairs of crystal blue eyes slipped closed as their lips almost brushed together.
He liked her.
She liked him.
'I remember who he was. He was a lot like Len, or maybe it's the other way around. '
Rin's blue eyes shot open as she pulled away, her skin turning pale at the sudden thought that had entered her mind. She felt sick and disgusted with herself in that moment. Len looked at her, concern resting in his eyes as he looked at her sudden change of heart.
"Rin, are you-"
"I'm... I'm fine. I have to go," Without hesitation, Rin shot up and started to walk back down the path, trying to hide her small limp. Many of the thoughts from before shot through her mind as she walked down the path alone, most of the recalling what she had headed into this evening.
She kept trying to tell herself she was just hanging out, but it didn't turn out that way. She kept trying to tell herself that it was impossible to fall in love with a person so suddenly, but she fell for Len so quickly. Tears started to fall down her blue eyes as she realized how close she was to breaking the promise she made three years ago. Pain started to cover her heart as she realized that she was now in a rabbit's hole.
She fell in love with Len.
She promised to never fall in love again.
"I... I can't fall in love again," she whispered to herself when she entered the secluded area of the park. "I promised I'd never love again. To think I was so careful... Why? Why did I have to fall again?"
Tears fell down her face faster as she fell to the ground, weeping.
"I can't be in love with him! I promised you I'd never fall in love again," She started losing her voice to the sobs that constricted her throat. "It was because I fell in love that I hurt you! Please, don't make me move on! I said I wouldn't move on! I don't want to break my promise. I dont want to break my promise to you, Mikuo!"
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