Chapter 7
What is True Love, Anyway?
Ever had one of those days?
Where no one's around?
and the darkness...
...is the only friend you've got.
Of so full of pain,
but of so comforting.
Its just like cold water.
First you freeze over,
then everything goes numb.
Your heart may even stop beating,
and you may lose your breathing.
Then it's a sanctuary.
You live,
you grow,
you are a part of it.
And soon you wonder,
how did you get along without it?
You eyes soon close.
You're heart's healing.
You smile, you laugh fully,
but suddenly, you realise.
You're losing your sanctuary,
Losing your safe haven,
Losing everything you had known, once again.
You don't want it to go away, do you?
But you also want it to leave...
...leave, and never come back.
Would you be afraid after what I have seen?
After what I have felt,
after what I have experienced...
Just ever had one of those days?
Where no one's around?
and the darkness...
...is the only friend you've got.
Of so full of pain,
but of so comforting...
Often I find myself lying,
over and over again.
I end up lying to myself.
I end up lying to my family.
I end up lying to my friends.
I end up lying to my loved ones.
I end up lying to my memories.
I end up lying to my ghost.
I end up lying to God.
I end up lying to Satan.
I end up lying to everything.
I end up lying to everyone.
I have heard the stories in the Bible.
I'll admit I do believe, fully.
I believe in everything it says.
But how do I know I'm not lying?
God is my father.
I want to believe this.
In my heart I know it is true.
He made me.
"For he so loved the world he had sent his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish and have everlasting life," ~John 3:16
He sent Him for me. And others like me.
And I believe it.
I love Them both.
But then I have heard the verse,
a certain verse that rocks me.
I'll admit, I don't know the whole story.
I have never heard the full story.
And maybe I'm lying to myself again.
But if I am the daughter of the evil I believe I am from,
Then I must be a murderer and a liar.
"You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father's desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies." ~John 8:44
I have lied, over and over again.
I end up lying to myself.
I end up lying to my family.
I end up lying to my friends.
I end up lying to my loved ones.
I end up lying to my memories.
I end up lying to my ghost.
I end up lying to God.
I end up lying to Satan.
I end up lying to everything.
I end up lying to everyone.
I know for certain in my heart,
That He is who I belong with,
and the true evil is not.
But who is to say
that I am not lying?
So many lies,
so many truths,
so many half-truths.
All to save friends,
and risk my own safety.
All to save myself,
and hurt my friends in the end.
I am a coward.
I'm worse than a murderer.
I'm a liar.
I'm a thief.
I'm a monster.
Yet in my heart, I don't believe it.
I'm confused.
Who is to say I'm not lying?
I'm lying,
I'm lying,
I'm lying about it all.
Maybe.
Yes.
No.
Maybe.
Rin's POV:
I wanted to keep writing today. I wanted to keep spilling out my feelings in the only way I knew how. Writing and drawing, they were the only ways that I could express my pain and sorrow without others knowing and without hurting myself. Though, I will admit, I've tried it many times before.
My fear of pain has stopped me, however. I feel somewhat fortunate.
Anyway, since I just couldn't write anymore, I decided to do some research. After all, I had to do something while I was away from school, besides playing sick.
By doing research, I really mean doing research. Ever since my ghost had started arguing with me the other day, I couldn't help but shake off the feeling she was right about my attraction to Len being nothing more than a crush. And crushes always fade. But there were so many people out there. And a handful have been able to fall in love and stay in love quickly.
I sat in bed and stared at the screen on my computer's laptop, trying to look up true love and love at first sight on Google. But nothing that would satisfy me came up. There were some in-depth answers, but on the complete other side of the love spectrum the same kind of in-depth answers would appear once again. I didn't know who to believe. And of course there were always those geeks who typed in short speech anyway. I don't think I could trust them...
A pop on the computer screen knocked me out of my thoughts as I looked down at my yahoo messenger in the right hand corner, seeing that Kaito had come online. Odd, it was only 12:40 or so. What could he be doing out of school? He wasn't one to ditch. And maybe I could find some answers from him. After all, he was one of my close friends.
I typed away as I pulled up Kaito's instant message screen.
Shouldn't you be at school? .
Senior; got out early.
Could ask you the same thing.
But you wouldn't. =D
I am.
I thought for a second, before quickly answering and changing the subject. I didn't want him to know how long I was out of school, exactly. Or did I want him to know why. At least, not yet. I trusted him a lot, as I do with my close circle of friends, but he was one of the newer ones. He wasn't there when it happened. I rather not tell him until I was ready.
It's nothing important.
Anyway, can I ask you something?
Something Serious?
What?
I hesitated. I wasn't ready to ask, and I was afraid to ask. But if I wanted to know if this ghost of mine was speaking the truth, or if I wanted to know if my feelings for Len were real or not, I needed to gather answers.
Do you believe in true love?
Why are you asking?
I'm just curious.
Yes, I do.
Alright, so Kaito believes in true love... But does he know what it is? To be honest, I wasn't even sure I knew what it was myself. So I continued.
What is true love?
Is there really a way to define it?
I don't know. I just wanted to know what you thought...
Hmm...
True love is something that can't be defined...the people or animals or anything would just...feel it...maybe not know it consciously, but it'd be there, somehow.
Is it possible that I was wrong? Was it possible that my ghost was wrong too? There were so many questions filling my head at that point. I was thirsty to know more. I wanted to know more. I needed to know and understand more. Could it possible I feel true love for Len? Or maybe I felt true love for Mikuo...
I continued to type.
What about love at first sight?
Could someone fall in love in the first couple meetings?
No.
Not at all?
There might be something, but it wouldn't be love.
Why not?
Love needs time to mature.
That's when I hit my all time low. Tears threatened to come out of my eyes- I've read the sentence over and over again- but I refused to cry. Not now. I had thought that maybe this thing I had felt with the blonde haired boy, it might have been love. We might have started something. But my ghost, and now someone else, had admitted it wasn't.
I had felt something for Len.
I have felt nothing for Len.
I feel so confused. I feel more confused that I ever thought I could have. I'm lying. I'm telling the truth. I just don't know!
So what if I fell in love within a day or so?
Hypothetically speaking, of course!
Then I would think it's more of interest than love.
Hypothetically speaking.
So I shouldn't feel anything for him?
I mean, nothing extreme?
Doesn't mean you shouldn't...you might, it depends on the person, but only your subconscious mind will know when it's really love...and you will probably not know immediately.
Could my love still be fake? Or could it be real? I just don't know anymore. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and let my head hang in my hands. I just don't know anything anymore. Do I love him? Or don't I love him? I just want to cry from my confusion...
A pop on the computer screen reminded me of the person I continued to talk to.
So you, hypothetically speaking, like someone.
What? No!
"So I shouldn't feel anything extreme for him?" Sounds like liking someone to me.
I'm just...
I'm just what? What exactly am I doing? Am I giving advice to another friend? No, that wouldn't work. Kaito and the gang are my only friends, and they know that. Maybe I'm writing an essay? No, that wouldn't work either. Kaito and them know what the teachers assign in my grade. Then what?
Writing a story. For my character.
How interesting, what is it about?
What am I to tell him now? Slowly, one letter at a time, the words started to appear on the page.
A girl falling in love.
Too quickly for her own good.
It sounds interesting at least...can't wait to read it.
Um.
The problem is...
I don't know if I'm going to go through with this story...
Well that won't do you any good. Then nothing will happen.
This confusion spread to me even more. I scanned his words over and over. I told him it was a story, and he seemed to believe me. Then again, you couldn't really read emotion through the text. But what does he mean, nothing will happen? It's just a story... Authors abandoned stories all the time. But after seeing his reply, I grew white.
Wait, what do you mean it won't do me any good?
It's not like it's real life...
Oh, of course not.
Miku didn't...
Please tell me she didn't...
She wouldn't have had to, not that hard to see.
Just tell him.
Am I really that easy to see through? Am I really that easy to read? I have spent so much time trying to keep the others out of my mind, and how here was my friend who figured out what my case was. I wanted to cry. I started to cry- the salty tears ran down my face. At least neither of us was in school...
I can't.
Why do you say that?
I can't tell you...
Right, right... Well, you can either be the cat waiting at the door forever or the one in the house.
Who says the cat won't be let in?
The one who won't open the door.
Kaito?
Hm?
Who else knows about me and Len?
Luka, Miku, hmm...Gakupo, probably...Meiko...um...Maybe Gumi...
I think also Leon...Profession Miriam...Ann...Oh, and of course Lola...Al and Sonika might as well...
D:
...Dear God...
I tried moving on to Meiko next. Part of me really regretted it, but I knew I had to ask everyone I could. I needed to know what everyone felt on this matter. I needed to prove myself wrong. I needed to prove the ghost wrong. I don't know what I needed, but I needed to prove something wrong.
I opened up the chat window. I expected anything from her...
Meiko?
Yo, what's up?
Can I ask you something?
Go for it.
Do you believe in true love?
Ehh, I dunno, never really bothered to think 'bout that stuff. Why?
Just wondering.
What about love at first sight?
No way. Plus, everytime something like that happens, it ALWAYS ends badly. Like Romeo and Juliet, ya know?
Oh.
Still wanna know why you're asking all this all of a sudden.
You know. Just curious.
Uh huh. Seems more than just curiosity.
Why do you say that, Meiko?
'Cause I know you and you pretty much NEVER do stuff like this.
Oh, I get it, it's about the boy, huh?
What?
Uh, what's his name...blonde kid...kinda short...ponytail...girl voice...
Lin? No, uh...Ren? ...Len! There we go
Alright, I know I wasn't expecting this. Inwardly I started to freak out. How the hell did Meiko find out? Maybe I was really that open when it came to my feelings. That, or maybe Miku told everyone. I told her to keep quiet, but something inside me told me she couldn't keep still for long. She was just that kind of girl. But it was better I found out before I started accusing my friends. Before anything else, I started to ask.
How did you find out?
Guess.
Seriously, just guess, not too hard to figure out.
Miku...?
Oh, good job! Do ya want a prize next time I see ya?
Uh... No.
Good, 'cause the only thing I got is some sake...and a couple of Jack Daniels...
So...
Do you
well
think that what I feel is fake?
What, you crushing on him? Why would it be?
Because it's a crush...
You know
'Not supposed to last' deal.
Well how would I know? You're the one crushing on the boy. Btw, nice choice.
Nice choice...?
And I thought you'd be of more help, drunkie. D:
On the guy, duh. And shut up.
Look, just tell him you like him. It's a crush, why not try?
Because I just can't...
Man, you kids...why not?
I can't tell you.
...then why'd you bring up in the first place?
because I thought you would be a bit more hypothetical...
Like Kaito was.
You're seriously coming to ME for advice?
Well, I gave you mine, so that's all there is to it.
*heavy sarcasm* Thanks a lot Meiko.
And let me ask one more thing.
Yeeees?
How drunk are you?
Right now, I mean.
Err...I...am unauthorised to answer your question
Oh, what's that? Yeah, can't hear ya anymore. Good luck with Lenny!
*User has logged off.*
MEIKO!
DAMN IT MEIKO!
I was pissed.
I was way more than pissed.
I had asked Miku not to tell anyone about Len. I had tried to keep it a secret until I could figure it out for myself, but she just had to spread the word around that I liked the blonde-haired boy. Now I was completely furious with her.
In fact, I waited for a few hours until the very second she managed to log into facebook. I clicked her name to open the chat window, and began my flames of fury. I just couldn't stand how my friend could do this to me. In fact, I haven't even begun typing, and tears started to fall down my eyes. I had trusted her to keep low.
Why. The. Freaking. Hell. Did. You. Tell. EVERYONE?
YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO FUCKING TELL!
I'm sorry!
I was, like, really worried about you 'cause you wouldn't talk to anyone for a few days and I was talking to Luka and she said to tell her 'cause it concerned your health!
I told you not to tell.
I'm sorry, but I was really concerned about you! And Luka was too and it just spread...
Spread why?
Maybe I understand Luka, but now everyone?
I dunno, it just happened! But...really Rinny...we could kind of see it...
Could of seen it? Fine, they can figure it out.
I don't care about them guessing.
but when they get PROOF from my FRIEND that it was TRUE, THAT'S where I draw the line.
Tears fell freely from my eyes at this point, and I could care less about wiping them away. I hated Miku right now. I hated the world right now. And I hated myself right now, for making everything so obvious. Right now, I couldn't tell if it was me or my ghost talking to Miku. But no matter who was talking, this was how I felt.
...
I trusted you Miku. I wish you didn't have to be a bitch and go around telling others!
You just don't know how much I HATE you right now!
...
That's all you can say?
Rin, I'm really really reeeeeally sorry. I didn't mean to spread it! I was just worried!
Rinny, you're my best friend!
Rinny, honestly! I'm sorry! I'm really, really sorry! I was just concerned about you...
Bye.
I logged off before anything else could be said. In my heart I knew I shouldn't have said the things I did. I knew I just shouldn't have screamed at Miku, but it was all I could do in the end. Everyone knew and expected me to like him now, and I never had an answer for him.
In the very end, Len probably was hoping that I was as attracted to him as he was to me.
And maybe I was.
But I was known for lying.
To myself and to others.
And what if my ghost and the others were right?
What if there was no real love between us?
I'd just end up hurting him as always...
For the next few hours I did absolutely nothing productive. I just continued to lay down on the couch, staring as I watched a yellow sponge and a pink starfish sing their way through monster infested waters to save the sea lord's crown. The tears have dried from my face, and the redness was probably long gone. But even the strange creatures from Bikini Bottom couldn't cheer me up.
A sigh escaped my lips as I shifted position on the couch I continued to lay on, listening to the starting theme song of Fairly Odd Parents. The wands waved in the air and wishes started coming true instantly. I wonder what I could wish for if I had ever gotten the chance to have my wishes granted.
Maybe deep down I knew what I could wish for...
My eyes watched the screen go by, but I couldn't really recall much. I was too dazed to really do anything but think at the moment. I thought of what I could wish for. Would I wish for Mikuo to come back? I wanted it so much. I really would like that.
Or maybe I wanted to wish for a new beginning. To be able to let go of the guilt and start over. Maybe start with Len.
"Fairly Odd Parents again?" I heard the front door close and the ruffling of grocery bags as they were placed on the kitchen counter. I sat up, turning to face the newcomer as she started to put things back into their proper place.
"Hello Mom," I said, smiling. "And at least it's not Spongebob. You say I watch that show too much,"
"You do. How many time a day do you watch that sponge? Seven?"
"More like twelve,"
"You're not helping your case, cubbling,"
I could only shrug at her statement, smiling as she had called me cubbling once again. It made me feel loved and appreciated. No other mother called her child their cub, and to me, it seemed to have a special meaning. It was a name only for me, and it showed so much. Like a mother bear and her dear child. "I know. So, how was work?"
"Oh, it was very, very interesting," you could hear the smile in her voice.
"What happened this time?" I was ready for more story time. Mom seems to attract some interesting situations whenever she goes to work. Something always happens. It was never the usual day at work.
"I was challenged today," she started. I could only raise my eyebrow in response. At my reaction, she continued with that strong voice of hers. "This one lady, she was an alpha. She kept staring me in the eyes, trying to get me to look away. Anyway, she came in and ordered a tuna sandwich, but asks for only three scoops instead of four. Alright. So I cut the bread in half and put one and a half scoops on each one. She raises her voice and says 'I only asked for three.'
I told her that I only put one and a half scoops on each, but she kept arguing. I swear, if it wasn't for her son, I would of asked her to leave. I felt sorry for him, actually. He kept his head down, telling her 'Mom. Mom. Mom, it's okay. She only put on three scoops. '"
"That's stupid," I was thinking about it. I felt sorry for the boy too. I would be embarrassed as well if my mom ever lost control of her cool like that, not that she does. Mom does a good job keeping her temper down.
"That wasn't it. She continued, saying 'Well, it would have been easier if you put the scoops on then cut it,' she kept arguing with me. I told her 'Ma'am, we're supposed to cut the bread first-'
'No you're not!' she continued.
'Ma'am, this is how we are supposed to do it-'
'No, you're not!' she said once more. So I got out the sign with the procedures and held it to her. It says that we are supposed to cut all meatball, tuna, and seafood at the start. Alright, so that kept her down for a bit. After that little bit I continued down the line.
'So what kind of cheese do you want-?'
'Well, if you had heard me, then you would know,' she said in that voice. I was getting really upset with this woman. Though she was a customer, so I had to be nice.
'Ma'am, I am only trying to make your sandwich. What kind of cheese do you want?' So we got that down. I was really upset with this woman at this point. If she acted up one more time, I was ready to ask her to get the hell out of my store. Fortunately she didn't.
At least until she started asking for some salt and pepper. She asked for some extra, so I put on some heavy extra. But then she stuck her nose up in the air and said 'Fine. Never mind. I'll put some more on at home,' then she left in a huff. I was just waiting for her to turn back and glare me down,"
"I hate people like that," I grumbled.
"I felt sorry for her son,"
"Me too. Well, now we know that you should never date anyone with the same personality as you. At least you know when to keep your personality back," I spoke up.
"She was probably having a bad day, even though it was nearly noon,"
"You know when to stay nice," I said, before looking at her strangely after a pause. "You know, you are the only person I know who I can ask 'how is your day at work?' and you reply with an interesting. It's always an interesting story. I mean, you never say 'it was the usual!'"
"There is no usual," she exclaimed, sitting next to me. I lied down on the couch, letting my head rest on her shoulder. She put her arm around me and I sighed, feeling comfortable. Though I was a sophomore, I felt comfortable laying next to and cuddling my mom. I find no shame in it. She's my safe haven. Not to mention she was nice and plushy.
"Exactly. You come home and you always have an amazing story to tell. You ask an office worker, and they'll say it was boring or it was the usual. With you, you can never know what to expect. Maybe you should make a book someday. I swear, it'll be the next best seller,"
She just chuckled at my statement.
I just continued to watch the screen as she changed the channel on the television. I knew what we were tuning into watch, so I just let myself relax as the sound of the program filled my ears and my brain.
Tonight on Top Gear: Richard wears a hat. James wears another hat. And I wear a hat with a string on it.
"It's funny how they can mention nothing of the show and still grab your attention," I spoke up.
"Mm-hm," my mom mumbled in reply.
"I guess it's just the British humor. How I love it so. It's so much better about the American humor. I mean, here you can't make fun of each other or make fun of the Congress or the president or some rich guy. You have to be proper. Bleh," I said, groaning. A sigh escaped my lips as the show continued on; Jeremy started talking.
Some say... he thought Star Wars was a documentary. And he recently pulled out of 'I'm a Celebrity' because he's frightened of trees... and Australia... and Drew Stark... and Danes... and Beck. All we know is, he's called the Stig.
"Hey Mom?"
"Hm?"
"Do you believe in true love?"
"Mm-hm,"
"What about love at first sight,"
"Yes,"
"Why?" I asked, looking up at her through our snuggling position. The question was starting to buzz through my mind once again. No matter how much I wanted to get rid of it completely, I just couldn't. I couldn't stop thinking of Len, and I couldn't stop thinking of Mikuo. I even thought of one other person.
"Why are you asking, cubbling?"
"Just curious,"
"I fell in love with someone once. Back when I was in high school. I saw him for the first time and I started to feel attracted. And the more I started to hang out with him, the more attached I grew. He was one of my first loves, actually,"
"So, did you two get together?" I asked, feline-like curiosity burning through my brain and my veins.
"Well, no,"
"Why not?"
"I felt like I wasn't good enough for him. I felt like he deserved ended up finding another girl, and she was a sweet one at that. Eventually lost contact with him. Sometimes I regret being such a coward,"
"Hm," I settled back into my mother's embrace, thinking as the show continued on. Mom was in a similar predicament that I was in now. She had fell in love quickly, and it was true love, she says. But she felt she wasn't good enough for him. She felt that he deserved so much more than she could possibly give him. But was this true? And she regrets not going for him.
I love Len too, or at least, I feel attracted. Could it be possible that this was the only chance I would get? I too felt that I was not good enough for him. I felt that he would deserve something better than I would be. He would deserve something better than this monster of a child.
But maybe this was the only chance I would possibly get. Mom, she regrets not being able to be strong enough to go with the guy she loved. Maybe some day in the future, I would hold one more regret. Not just the regret of breaking other's hearts, but the regret of not being with the one I wanted.
Kaito and Meiko believed there was no such thing as love at first sight. But I wasn't their child. We were not related by blood or anything else. The only thing that held us together was similar interests, just invisible ties. But my mother, she was the one who had me. She was the one I bonded the closest with. She is my closest blood relative. I'm half of who she is. My Mom is the one I could trust my life on, and do every day. I knew she would protect me with her very life, and even more if she could. She is the one who I can laugh with and love with everything I had.
And her past might become mine someday.
I'll have to dwell on it. I'll have to think. But if I want to get rid of that darkness that surrounds me- if I want to get rid of this ghost- then I need to learn to move on. Like that blue jay in the park just the other day.
My eyes started to fall as I started to gather peace in my Mom's arms. But it didn't keep my darkness away.
Sleep soundly, little one. Go ahead and try again, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Sleep soundly. little one. Go ahead and love him, but don't go begging when you shatter him.
Sleep soundly, child. The blue jay has flown away, but the mourning dove is broken.
Sleep soundly, child. But you can't go through with this.
Sleep soundly. But remember I know you better than you know yourself.
Sleep soundly. Count the falling bodies like sheep.
Go back to sleep.
Go back to sleep.
Lay your head down, child.
I won't let the boogieman come.
Count the falling bodies like sheep.
To the rhythm of the war drums.
Count the falling bodies like sheep.
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