Chapter 3
A Little Deeper
Is it wrong to not want to love?
Is it wrong to not want to let go?
To want to hold it all, never once letting it out of my grasp?
I had lost everything at such a young age.
Because I was so naive.
My weakness was caring too much about others.
To the point of shattering my own happiness to keep them happy.
So I kept each a secret from the other, because I didn't want to break them.
To the point of shattering my own happiness to keep them happy.
My weakness was caring too much about others.
Because I was so naive.
I had lost everything at such a young age.
To want to hold it all, never once letting it out of my grasp...
Is it so wrong to not want to let go?
Is it so wrong to not want to love?
Well, I guess some good came out of ripping another's heart in two. I grew up, I guess I could say. I became older, and finally matured. Now I can see the world for what it really, really is. And maybe, just maybe, I can repent for my sins by never falling in love again.
Because I wouldn't dare hurt another.
And if I had fallen in love again- and even at the mere dreams of it- I knew I wouldn't be able to make it. At the nightmares, my heart beats to rapidly against my chest, lurching dangerously for the guilt that would eat me alive, because I would just be betraying the one I used to love. All that I had learned would go to waste then, and this regret would eat me alive as if it had almost done three years ago.
But not if the fear deeper inside me obliterated me first.
I guess I understand why now. I'm afraid of getting too close to people. Obviously I'm afraid to hurt others, as spoken multiple times before. Sometimes I even freeze or quake because of this phobia inside of me. I guess this explains why I'm willing to stay out of the picture and remain is solitude, ripping my own heart out, if it meant not falling in love.
But maybe, I never really matured. Perhaps I'm still a small child, lost inside her own Wonderland, just like Alice. Lost inside a world that doesn't exist, trapped in her own imagination.
Where the reality has become the dream, and the dream has become the reality.
Because, after all this, I still act like a child. I act so foolishly and so immaturely. And I cant hold my tongue. My temper would flare and I end up messing everything up. Yet I cant help it. I just don't understand why. I was supposed to learn. I'm not supposed to be naive. And yet, here I am, doing it anyway.
0o0o
The girl ran as fast as her legs would carry her down the track, trying to catch up with the others. The white bow on her head bounced as she sprinted, trying to get ahead. Her breaths came in heavy pants as she grew tired, yet she pressed on. The sticky coating of sweat covered her body as she tried to continue. But when she finally caught up, the class would find away to get ahead again.
"Hurry up, Kagamine!" The coach called from ahead of the group, looking as if she was walking, not sprinting. Yet she was fast, and the blonde girl wiped off her sweat as her legs grew more painfully tired.
"I'm trying!" The girl panted, not being heard by the rest of the group. Slowly she turned into a walk as the distance between the group and herself became almost half the track.
"Kagamine!" The coach screamed again, almost as if she was trying to motivate the slowing girl. But that wasn't helping her as she started to jog again, losing more of the energy she was trying to save. But the distance didn't even cut. It grew larger, even as the blonde continued to run to the best of her ability.
But again, as her energy ran low, the young Kagamine couldn't help but slow once more into a walk. Not that it mattered, really. As the group moved on ahead, and as the group started to reach the gates to head back inside the locker room, the girl looked down at the ground, watching her own feet walk and trying to ignore the want to cry.
She understood that this was only a class, and being left out here was only temporary. She knew that she'd probably only get a small scolding because of not following orders, then go back to the world of her life.
But deep inside her, she knew she failed this one simple task. Sure, it was a class, as previously stated, but she still failed. A sigh escaped her lips as she stared, unblinking, at her feet to dry the unwanted tears away. What would he think of her now? He'd probably be disappointed, like she was.
After all, she did fail again.
Walking through the gates on the way back to the girl's locker room, she listened to the silence in the air, wishing it to go away. The silence always made her think, as she called it, and she never liked thinking. Especially so since today didn't go so well.
The blonde haired girl slowly pushed open the door to the locker room, walking over to her assigned locker and twisting and turning the combination to her lock. And when the locker was opened, she grabbed the bag of clothes and walked into one of the bathroom stalls, changing out of her PE uniform.
But the silence still hung in the air. Sure, people were chattering and the heavy scent of perfume made her want to choke to death, but it was still silent enough to think. Shaking her head, she tried to hurry up to be the first one out the door. The blonde needed something to distract her before she lost control of her calm expression.
Rin's POV
"You've haven't touched your lunch in the past fifteen minutes," Luka , one of the most wonderful friends that I could ever ask for, swept down to the lunch table and gave me a worried look. "At this point, I should be telling you to stop shoving down food down your throat. Is something wrong?"
The crowded area we were eating lunch in was packed with seniors from all over campus. Sounds of laughter, chattering, and whatnot filled the cafeteria at a large volume, and I was surprised I could still hear Luka's voice. I could feel my heart warm at her concern. She always had been a great friend, like the big sister I never had.
"It… nothing, Luka. Just tired," I attempted a weak smile as I rubbed my sore eyes, though the drop-dead gorgeous senior could easily see through. She frowned.
"Rin-chan, I've known you for - how long? Don't think you can fool me, something's up," Luka said, pushing back her long, rich pink hair over her shoulder. I recoiled back in embarrassment, sinking low in my seat. I kept forgetting how long she had been with me. Seeing this, her frown deepened. "Spill it,"
I sighed. "I was just… thinking about, you know… him,"
This time, Luka heaved a sigh. "Rin-"
"I know what you're thinking," I muttered, nodding shamefully. "I shouldn't keep moping about the past," Luka took a bite out of the tuna sandwich she was eating, emitting a another sigh.
"Look Rin, honey. I know it was painful for both of you back then, but you have to move on. He wouldn't want to see you like this," Having suddenly lost the rest of my appetite as the topic continued to push forward, I pushed away my tray of food. Luka shook her head in disapproval, pushing the food back towards me. "The first love doesn't always last. You did a horrible thing back then, but don't keep weighing yourself down like this,"
"I hurt him. I hurt us," I mumbled, barely loud enough for Luka to hear. "Now he's gone because of me. Because of what I did…" I could feel tears starting to well up in my eyes, the guilt came rushing back at me full-speed. "I was so stupid, Luka! I never should've made that mistake!" I banged a weak fist against the table.
I never should've let him leave. I should've kept him when I had the chance.
I never should've let him go.
I felt a warm hand placed on my back, circling in a comforting motion. "No one is perfect, Rin-chan. We all make mistakes," Then she paused, taking a small breath before continuing. "But the past is the past. You need to find someone else,"
Immediately, my head shot up. I shook my head furiously. "No! I don't want someone else! I swore to myself I would never find someone else! He was perfect! No one could ever replace him!"
I don't want to end up hurting another innocent soul.
Luka stared at me for a moment, appearing half-exhausted and half-upset. "… Fine," She sighed, taking another bite out of her lunch. "But just please try and move on, okay? If not for yourself, at least do it for him. Now take at least three bites out of that salad or I'm cramming it down your throat,"
I bit my lip, staring down at the cold salad I purchased. I knew I didn't deserve to eat. Not after all the pain I caused.
Could I possibly move on?
I sighed. Poking at the greens in disgust. My stomach turned softly, making me feel slightly sick at the thought of eating the food in front of me. I really didn't want to eat, but when Luka made a threat, she was dead-serious. Plus, I owed her for all the times she was there to me.
I lifted my fork and took five bites instead of the three demanded of me. She seemed satisfied.
The rest of the day went by fairly quickly, much to my relief. The last period of the day came, which was the point where I normally burnt out and just died. At this time, we would normally read up on books, take notes or any crap like that. It was boring and dangerous to my health, but it was the last hour of torture.
The eyes of the classroom were all avoiding the televison screen as we were watching a video on business economics. I could barely keep my eyes peeled during the first five minutes of the show. I mean, the pictures were in black and white and barely moved! And the voice... oh, the voice was pure monotone! Not even a robot could pull it off...
Then, something hit the back of my head, landing on the side of my chair. Wincing from the unexpected intrusion, I looked down and saw it was a ball of scrunched-up paper.
A note…?
I looked behind me and saw Len grinning two seats behind me, the students ahead of him apparently sleeping, which made it easier for him to hit me. I narrowed my eyes into slits as I glared at him in the darkness of the classroom.
Cocky asshole…
I scooped up the paper and opened it. I let my eyes scan the note over once before wondering how to reply. After all, it had asked a simple question:
Want to hang out?
I could have said so many rude replies to him, all leading to the same basic idea: where the hell did that question come from. Part of me wanted to be rude- after all, I was irritated and wanted class to end. But he was nice to me in the hallway, where most of the guys would have given me pure hell. In the end, I decided to go with something simple.
Why? This is what I wrote down with my pencil onto the paper. I folded it back up and threw it, making it land not on, but next to his desk. I turned my attention back to the clock, counting the painful second that remained until the ending bell. It wasn't soon before I got my answer.
Just because.
I snapped my head around, giving his a glare. Such a cocky asshole. But a serious question settled in my stomach again as I turned back to the note. My eyes scanned it over and over as the silence hung in the air; the only thing breaking it being the monotone voice of the narrator.
Did I want to hang out with Len? I had only met him a day or so ago. In all honesty, I didn't want to. I know I was probably taking things too far, but I'm just careful with hanging out with people. I never know how things would go.
Especially after him.
'Damn you Len. Making me think again,' I internally cursed, still looking at the note. My mind was in an internal battle, thinking of what to do. Should I go or should I not go? But little did I know my hand was making the decision for me.
Yes.
I threw back the note, thinking over and over again. What if I hadn't made the right decision? What if something happens that I don't like? Oh well. It was too late now. My decision was made and I couldn't really change it.
And if to reflect my thoughts, the bell rang, signalling the end of the day.
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