Chapter 9
Please Forgive Me!
I can imagine us now.
Singing all the songs of Christmas.
You know.
Joy to the World,
Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas,
Frosty the Snowman?
I always loved the Holidays.
I loved how it made me feel so warm inside.
I love how it just makes me let go and enjoy myself for once.
The snow on the ground,
the many colors of the many lights,
something about it all just screams
"Nothing could be better than now!"
You know,
I haven't heard from that ghost in a while.
I haven't had the nightmares in a few weeks.
Maybe I'm finally over that hill.
Maybe I revived?
I can finally look in the mirror
that haunts my dreams
and instead of seeing the black eyes
or the golden claws
or hearing that deep voice,
I see myself.
And I'm... happy...
At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
Am I really that happy?
I know I should never question a good thing.
But right now, I can't help it.
Love tore me apart,
but it can never bring me back to life.
So why is it that Len is making me happy?
Is it just the holiday spirit?
Is it that that is disguising death?
Or maybe...
Maybe I truly am happy.
Oh Lord,
Please tell me what is real.
It's been so many years.
Maybe it's your way of telling me to get over it.
And maybe I am.
Well, I guess they're will only be one way to figure out, won't there?
Rin's POV
There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for the hate I feel for my friends right now. A perfect, little reason that I want to hang my friends above a fire, watching as the rope slowly disappeared and they grew closer to burning. There is a reason I want to choke them and ring their necks. Why, exactly?
They want to plan a party.
Not just any party. Because, you see, the snow is falling on the ground and making the ground slippery. The other students are getting hyper-active and uncontrollable in anxious wait. The fellow residents and house members started hanging up lights and trees and started engorging themselves on sweets. Yes, the Holidays.
Or should I say no, NOT the Holidays.
Ever since my eighth grade year, these girls had been trying to get me with a guy. I keep trying to tell them no, but they'd always try and set up these secret dates and even the occasional mistletoe during the holidays. But somehow I got out of it. One of the poor boys walked away with a bright bruise on his eye. And yet these friends of mine never learn!
After getting thrown in the closet with Len, my friends think that they have won.
Alright, I'll admit it. I'm sort of glad that they put me in there with the blonde boy. It made me feel more comfortable around him, and it made me feel more secure about myself. Being with him also made me grow a little closer to him.
But if I do end up giving Len a chance, and I am still a bit unsure of it, I'm not going to give my friends the satisfaction of thinking it was all because of them.
And I'm not going to give that satisfaction to my mother, either. She also never learns.
"Oh, I just love the holidays," the mother started in another one of those rambles as I stood next to her, kneading the gingerbread dough as she prepared the sugar cookies. I let one ear listen as my mind knew what was coming up. "It's when your father and I first met, at one of the neighbor's parties,"
I nodded, not knowing what to say or wanting to say anything, to be perfectly honest.
"Are you going to a party? I know your friend Miku has one every year at her house,"
"Yes," I spoke, trying to keep the hate out of my throat. Something in the back on my mind said 'just don't go,' but then I realized how the small group of friends I belonged with would kidnap me and tie me to one of the chairs until they were sure I wouldn't run away. It has happened before, and it wasn't fun.
"I wonder if you'll see anyone there," she started, humming slightly to herself. Here it comes. The moment I didn't want to be a part of. "You really should look into getting a boyfriend,"
"Mom," I groaned, starting my side of the argument, "I don't want a boyfriend,"
"But why not, Rinny?" she asked as she usually does. "I think it would be cute," I watched her hands as she used the cookie cutter the shape the dough into the desired design. My mind kept thinking about the excuse I always came up with every year or so.
"I'm not interested in boys," I said, shrugging with indifference.
"Come on, Rinny," she spoke, putting the cookies in the pan and preparing to put them in the oven. She moved with the grace she had earned by doing this movement over the years. "You use that excuse every year,"
"And that excuse still stands true," I grumbled. Mom looked me over for a second before putting the cookies inside the heated machine. I heard her hum her thinking hum before she turned towards me with her mitted hands on her hips.
"That's not what your friends are telling me," she looked carefully at me. "And here you are saying you're not interested in boys. You're not lying to me now, are you?"
My stomach gave a sudden turn when I thought about what I was saying exactly. I felt the smile that was engraved on my face falter slightly as I remembered the exact reasons I said I would never be interested in boys. But now that Len was here, that excuse would no longer be true. And because the blonde-haired boy was here, no longer would my promise be true. Was it all worth it?
"Rin?" Mom looked at me curiously. "You're not zoning out again, are you?"
"Um, no. I wasn't zoning out," I lied quickly, putting the smile back on my face. "And as for lying, that's for you to guess,"
"I'm never going to understand you, Rinny-kins," she went to the sink to start washing her hands. I watched my mom while sitting down in one of the dining room chairs. A comfortable silence settled between us two as the smell of peanut-butter cookies and gingerbread men filled the kitchen-dining room hybrid. Suddenly Mom spoke. "So are you going to that party this year."
"I kind of have to," I groaned.
"Nobody can force you to go," Mom said in that voice of hers.
"Um, yes hey could," I replied quickly, cutting off my mother before she could respond. "Remember back in eighth grade? I refused to go to the first party, and they knocked down my bedroom door with a battering ram and kidnapped me. They even tied me to a chair once we got there so I wouldn't flee!"
"Oh yeah, I remember that. You kept trying to get me to help you,"
"And you didn't, thanks a lot," I let the sarcasm drip in my voice. Mom took no notice to my comment.
"I take it you don't want to be kidnapped again, so you better call Miku and tell her what's up,"
With a sigh as a reply, I got up from the chair I sat on and started to work my way up the stairs and into my bedroom. Once the gentle click of the closed door sounded behind me, I made my way to my bed and laid down on my stomach. From the nightstand I gabbed my phone and glanced at the time.
Only nine. I could have sworn it was going to be later than this, I thought.
I held the cell phone in front of me for a long time, staring at Miku's number. Did I really want to go to this party? After all, I was pretty sure I could hide from her this time. Last time she caught me by surprise, and I could easily find a good hiding place until the commotion had died down.
But the teal-haired girl is very stubborn, and had found almost all of my hiding places last year when I tried to hide. I had to convince her that I would go on my own free will without her having to tie me up and worry about escaping. So she would know where to find me this time.
I might as well try to see how this party will turn out.
I lifted the device to my ear after pressing the send button. It rang a couple times before a high pitched, cheery voice came on the line. "Rinny!"
"Hi Miku," I grumbled.
"You don't sound very happy," I could hear her pout in her tone.
"No, I'm just a little upset, and it's not at you," I half-lied. "Mom started up that discussion again. You know? The one where she thinks I should try and find a boyfriend."
"Oh. That again," she replied. "Did you talk to her about Len?"
"No. I told her the same thing as I do every year. I told her that I wasn't interested in boys,"
"Rinny. You know that isn't true!" She cheered happily. That gut feeling appeared in my stomach again before suddenly vanishing. It bugged me, but it didn't seem to affect me much. Maybe I was just imagining things.
"I know, I know." I groaned.
"Do you want it to be true?" she asked like a girl who was thirsty for good gossip. Sadly enough, she was.
"Yes... No... I just don't know," I sighed. "And please don't question me about it. I called to say I'm coming to the party in my own free will, but if you do question me, I'll go find a new hiding spot and hide until the night's over,"
"Rinny," she gasped. "I respect your wishes, you know that!"
I sighed. "Do you need help setting up the party?"
"No, no. I got it all under control! I'm just going to be over early to get you in your best dress and take you over, alright?"
"Do I really have a choice?" I asked.
"Nope!"
"I'll expect you here around five, I guess," I sighed.
I looked up from where I sat in the large, black car. White flakes of soft snow started to gather on the ground in this gentle night. The sun was hanging onto it's last bit of sky, giving off a light hue of gold and pink that reflected in the untouched pieces of the white blanket that covered the world. It was peaceful, and it calmed my nerves.
I had started to block out Miku's rambling words as I left this world and entered my own to think. It was just so beautiful and so calm. For once, maybe it was a good idea that I came willingly, instead of kicking and screaming. The mood was definitely better, I can admit that. Sometimes I just wish he was here to see it.
Him... Mikuo...
It's just so strange. So long ago, his name used to bring me to tears. Tears that would make me clutch myself and make me double over from the unreal pain of heartache. Later on that name would only make he sad and bring down my spirits. But I don't feel anything now...
Do I...?
My stomach gave another turn, but I paid it no mind. I was anxious for the party to begin. So many times these girls would try to pair me up with a boy, but the last two times failed. I was hoping that old saying 'third time's the charm' would backfire. But only God knows what's going to happen.
Silently, I watched the sun's golden rays shift with elegance as we approached the great house of Hatsune. Before getting out of the black car, I closed my eyes and whispered a silent prayer.
"Lord, I ask you. Please don't let this year go too badly. Please protect me and keep me safe this year,"
Opening the door, I stepped outside and let my black boots sink into the snow slightly. A smile way its way onto my face as I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and I stepped inside of the door. Not many people were here, for the party wasn't to begin for another hour or so, but it still had a festive aura to it.
In the very center of the large living room rested a very tall, very green Christmas evergreen. It was covered in red and blue orbs, while gold and silver boas made their way around the tree in circles. Lights shone brightly off of it's branches as it's forest smell permeated the room. My eyes lit up at such a wonder, and it was only the tree itself!
The room itself had few, complimenting decorations as if to show off the large evergreen. The carpet, already white as snow, housed nicely-picked out, red and gold couches and love seats. Snowflakes hung from the ceiling as little stockings hung from the lit fireplace. I noticed that right near it a single mistletoe hung among the many snowflakes. I had to be careful of that.
Letting myself roam the house, I came across a large dining room that was sure to be where the food was to be served. The table was long and had a rich, dark oak color. It had many chairs that hung onto its sides that also seemed to be made of the same rich material. It seemed to be large enough to serve twenty- though I might just be exaggerating. Every couple feet, on the center of the table, held a glowing candle that just invited others to come and sit down at this place. The plates, napkins, and silverware will still to be passed out, however.
The rest of the house was clean and well decorated with the same theme as those two rooms. Snowflakes, plants, bright colors, and many other features covered the place. By the time I had reached the living room once more, the rest of our group of friends were here.
"Oh, goody, you're finally here. We didn't have to drag you forcibly at our ankles this time."
"Now, now, Meiko, be nice..."
"Meiko..." I grumbled. "If I remember, it was your idea to break down my door with a battering ram. And it was your idea to tie me up into a chair so I couldn't escape... But I guess it's nice to see you too," she added sarcastically. Despite it, though, she let a smile crack as she was happy to see them.
"Hey, hey, we only had to use the battering ram because your door has too many fucking locks."
"And then you kept making bondage jokes..." Kaito reminded her.
"Hey, hey! Someone had to!" Meiko protested.
"Completely. Unnecessary," Luka hissed under her breath.
"You two! Shush! No dirty jokes at my Christmas party!"
"You guys are terrible," I laughed. "Remind me why the heck I am even friends with you..."
"'Cause we the best, duh," Miku joked flippantly.
"Duh, winning."
I shook my head and laughed, along with the others. But something in the back of my mind kept traveling to one thing. With a heavy sigh, I felt my face grow serious. "Please tell me you didn't invite Len..."
"Weeeeeell..."
"Please..." I groaned, feeling a headache coming on. "You're not planning anything... please tell me that you're not planning anything. The closet was bad enough!"
"Us? Planning? What is this blasphemy?"
"Yeah, as blasphemous as a sober Lindsay Lohan...ow!"
"Oh Lord," I sighed. "Why do you guys throw these Christmas parties? To get me paired up with someone? This is the third year in a row!"
"Third time's the charm!"
"Well, there is a reason we drag you, kicking and screaming here..."
"We put hard work into this, Rin!"
"Hard work? Ever thought that this damages me, not helps me?" I asked softly, looking at them. I didn't mean to sound harsh in my voice, but some years of frustration had to be released somehow.
"No rain, no rainbow," was all Kaito simply said, dispersing the small crowd of people.
"I give up. Guess I just got to be careful around you guys." I sighed as I walked around the very festive house. Many more people from school had shown up, talking and laughing amongst themselves. Having a little bit of peace and quiet helped calmed my anxious nerves as I listened to everyone drink a soda and have a good time. With nothing else to do, I just watched the party unfold before a flash of teal caught my arm and dragged me to a large circle of seven people sitting on the floor in what seemed to be a family room.
I noticed that my group of friends sat scattered in the circle. Meiko was sitting beside the blue haired Kaito, laughing at some crude humor. A couple girls that I recognized from school sat together in the circle as well- a hyper, cheerful looking girl with red twirls, and a blonde who was too busy texting on her phone to really care much about what was going on. Len was sitting beside Luka, with the two involved in what seemed to be some serious conversation. Nervous about what was to go down, Miku and I took a place beside Luka.
"Alrighty!" Miku cheered in that booming voice of hers. "It's time for some truth-or-dare!" Several groans escaped the crowd as a couple cheered. Most, however, were not really caring. "Okay... Mine turn. Meiko. Truth or dare!"
"Why me first?"
"'Cause you're special. Now choose!"
"Fiiiine, dare."
"Okay...I dare you to...kiss Kaito on the lips for..."
"Twenty seconds," Luka inputted quickly with an innocent smile. Meiko's eyes blazed.
"FINE. SHION, get over here." Kaito put his hands up nervously.
"Wait a second, I don't like my part in this!"
"You have no say in this. Now grow a pair and kiss." And with that, Meiko jumped the cowering man.
"Twenty, nineteen, eighteen..." Miku counted slowly.
"Don't look so petrified, Kaito," Luka reprimanded with a smirk. "You get to kiss a girl who has a tomb raider body. Two in one."
"First and last," I added with a smirk. He rolled his eyes, but soon looked as though he was getting into the kiss.
"When Meiko comes up, I want to hear something about tongue!" Luka joked, taking a quick snapshot with her cell phone.
"...two, one! Okay, you're done!" Immediately, the two pulled away from each other. "Aww, I thought you would have kept going..."
"Shut up, Hatsune," Meiko snapped. "Man, that sucked. Shion, work on your kissing."
"Um..."
"How? He has no one to practice on."
"Hey!"
"It's okay, I have a mannequin you can practice on," I said, smirking. "Want her? Name's Delilah."
"Take it. Only girl you'll ever get," Meiko told him with a nudge.
"I hope you all die."
"Okay!" Miku quickly said before anyone could die. "Meiko's turn!"
"Hm...Megurine, truth or dare?"
"...truth."
"Soo...did you get to second base with that purple-haired fellow yet?"
"MEIKO!" The brunette let out a hearty laugh.
"Ooh, who is this purple haired guy? I wanna know!" Miku asked excitedly. Luka's cheeks became splattered with a deep crimson.
"No one," she muttered under her breath. "And no, we haven't, because we are not dating."
"Aww, but I wanna know!" I smirked, seeing my chance to punish Luka for planning the closet plan.
"Oh, it's no one. Unless you mean Gakupo Kamui. You know. The twenty year old who hangs out with her all the time."
"God damn it, Rin!"
"Ooh, him? He's pretty hot, Luka. Good choice!"
"...wait, that was a man?"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Oh, Kaito..."
"THE LONG HAIR THREW ME OFF, OKAY?"
"Anyway, it's your turn, Luka," I added in once the entire group calmed down from the sudden laughter that had resulted from Kaito's stupidity. Even I had a hard time breathing.
"Bah. Kaito, truth or dare?"
"...truth."
"Did you like that kiss with Meiko?"
"...damn. You."
"THAT'S A YES!" Miku screamed excitedly. Meiko raised her eye brows at Kaito while I let out a loud laugh.
"NO IT IS NOT."
"Please. A 'yes' means yes, a 'no' means yes, and no answer means 'FUCK YES, LET'S DO IT AGAIN'," Luka explained in some screwed up logic that somehow made sense.
"LUKA!"
"Huh. Wow, Shion, you really don't get out much if you think that was good, huh?"
"..."
"How cute."
"I think we know who we're getting together next."
"..."
"...excuse me?"
"Yes, and this time, I can feel the satisfaction of being able to ram through your door and tie you up," I retorted.
"That's what she said," Neru muttered under her breath, flipping and closing her phone repeatedly in one fluid motion.
"...I don't get it!" Teto whined while the rest of us burst out laughing.
"Never knew you were into that, Rinny," Meiko teased.
"Hey, there are a lot of things you don't now about me," I replied with a wink, sending the room into more fits of laughter. "Anyway, now it's your turn to serve, Kaito."
"Oh, wee," Kaito muttered. "Teto, truth or dare?"
"Dare!" she replied happily, not knowing what the senior could be planning for her.
"Hm..." Kaito muttered with a devilish look on his face. Suddenly, Meiko burst out laughing with no explanation as to why.
"Uh oh."
"You haven't had a first kiss, right, Teto?"
"Um, no, why?" she asked, cocking her head. The rest us began to slowly let out low snickers.
"Hey, hey, can't ask a question. Only for truth," Miku scolded lightly with a smile. Kaito put his hands up.
"I just want to make sure that she's ready for when I dare her to make out with Neru."
"WHAT?" Neru screamed, cell phone clattering to the floor while Teto looked completely horrified.
"I dare you! Now, twenty seconds!"
"...Kaito, you're so mean!"
"I think you should be offended, Neru. She's implying you're a bad kisser."
"Fuck you, Sakine."
"GO, god damn it!" Meiko snapped impatiently.
"God, you wanna see this so badly..." Kaito muttered.
"For the love of god..." Luka muttered, standing up. She grabbed Neru's tie and yanked her up to her feet while grabbing Teto's tie. Before the two could react, she smashed their heads, forcing them to kiss. I was on the ground, rolling around and holding my stomach as laughter escaped me in huge bouts.
"Good job, Luka!" Meiko complimented proudly.
"Yeah!" I yelled through laughter. "Good job!" Luka smirked while looking at the clock, counting them down.
"Okay, you two are done. And don't worry, you two looked very hot like that," Luka told them calmly.
"Fuck. You," Neru growled, grabbing her phone. She began ramblings under her mouth about pink-haired bitches and stupid games of perversion.
"So Teto's turn," I said, unusually cheery.
"Um..." she mumbled, bright red in the face. "Um...Rin, truth or dare?"
"Truth, I guess..." I mumbled, my mood dropping suddenly. After those two make-out scenes, I was not letting my friends get to me that easily. There was no way in hell I was going to do a dare with them around.
"Um..." Teto stuttered. Looking like a light bulb flashed over her head, Miku leaned over and whispered something in the red-head's ear. "What would you do in my closet with Len for seven minutes?" I almost choked when she whispered back to Miku, "What does that mean?" Miku responded by patting her on the shoulder.
"Um... I plead the fifth?" I asked nervously, trying to stall.
"Shit answer," Meiko snapped sharply.
"Do I have to answer?" I asked very nervously, looking at the teal-haired girl.
"Meiko and Kaito kissed, Teto and Neru kissed, and Luka had to admit her 'fling' with Gakupo. So YES."
"Oh, shut up, Miku."
"NEVER speak of that AGAIN."
"It's not a fling! It's not anything, damn it!"
"In all honesty?" I gulped, looking at Len from the corner of my eyes and turning red. I thought carefully, keeping silent for the longest time. I finally replied with what I thought I would actually do. "I'd probably try to find a way out."
"OBJECTION!" Meiko screamed, standing up and shooting her pointer finger at me.
"Well," I whispered, willing the deep blush on my face to go away. "It's what happened when you guys threw me in the janitor's closet. I'd probably find a way out for seven minutes."
"That's not what you would do in your head if you had the choice," Kaito muttered quickly under his breath.
"I guess it's my turn, right?" I asked. With no objections, I looked around the room until I found the only two who haven't had a chance yet. With a shrug I continued. "Truth or dare, Neru?"
"Truth," she murmured, tapping away continuously at her keys.
"Who invited the killjoy?" Meiko whispered to Luka.
"Miku, of course," was the level reply.
I thought for a couple seconds, and I could find no good questions came to mind. With I shrug, I turned to Luka and Miku beside me. I whispered in both of their ears, "What should I ask?"
"If you had to spend eternity with one person, what would you do?" Miku suggested with a shrug.
"Who is the one person you would fuck and why, given the chance? And no saying no," Luka told me. "Because we all know you are as horny as every other teen in this world. Say that."
For a moment I considered both of their question before I finally decided that the pink-haired woman had the better choice. Taking a deep breath, I told Neru the question that Luka had suggested.
"...are you fucking with me, Kagamine?"
"Quit swearing so much!" Miku protesting with her own sort of Miku Glare.
"Just answer," I added, wanting to hear her answer.
"...Len Kagamine. Yes," She muttered. Immediately, I flared in envy while Len raised his eyebrows. "Whatever. Len, truth or dare?"
"I'll do a dare," he responded with a smile.
"Finally, someone with balls..." Meiko muttered.
"Okay...I dare you to kiss Rin under the mistletoe," she said lazily.
"...WHAT?" I screamed.
"...are you serious?" Len asked, eyes wide.
"HA! Good one, Akita!" Meiko yelled triumphantly.
"Ooh, this'll be fun..." Kaito mutterd.
"How juicy," Miku squealed.
"Ooh, how interesting," Luka mused.
"There is NO FUCKING WAY I am doing that. Don't even think about it, Len." I yelled.
"Yes you are," Neru and Meiko said evenly.
"Um..." Len muttered.
"No means no," I said, grabbing onto the closest chair so I couldn't be dragged. I watched them all with glaring eyes as I tried not to let go at all costs. Meiko rolled her eyes. For a moment the room stood still and no one did anything. I kept my position for a few moments before letting go of the chair that I held onto. "I take it that you're not going to give up, are you guys?"
"Oh, so smart."
"If Len doesn't kiss me you're going to force it to happen, aren't you?" I asked.
"Heh. You know us so well."
"You guys are terrible," I whispered before looking at where the mistletoe hung in front of the fireplace that was right behind the group. I didn't know if I could go through with this. My stomach twisted up as I looked in Len's direction, waiting for him to either say something or not go with the dare.
"So...ready?" he asked nervously.
"As ready as I'll ever be," I whispered, not sure if I could really say anything. Slowly I stood up and walked under the mistletoe, waiting for the dare to start. At least they didn't add a time limit to ours...
He stood in front of me, both of us looking at the ground with faces red. I could feel the others staring, waiting for the dare to happen. But we didn't make any movement. I could feel my breath become slightly shallower as my heart beat grew quicker. My stomach was twisting with nervousness. I gave one glance to Len before nodding. If they didn't do it now, their friends would most likely force their heads together like they had to do for Teto and Neru. With much hesitation, our faces grew closer together. I could feel his breath on my lips as they nearly brushed. My eyes slipped closed as my heart beat in my ear.
'Please, forget me. Forget me so you can be happy'
'Let's face it. Dreams and fairy-tales never did exist, did they?'
'No one can fall in love that fast, not even humans'
'And obviously you won't care. After all, you're nothing more than a monster.'
'You abandoned him in the mine, didn't you, canary?'
'You broke so many hearts and crushed so many lives'
'What a spoiled child, picking favorites...'
'But when you crash only I will be your sanctuary,'
Without any hesitation I pulled away before we even kissed. I took several steps back, breathing heavily. More words crashed into my head from the dreams and the nightmares as I stepped back several more feet.
'But don't you know that clipped wings can't fly?'
'I'm just trying to keep all the others safe from you. Something you happened to forget.'
'Am I bothering you? Or do you understand the truth now?'
'Still believing in fairy-tales and wishes, are you? I thought we would have learned by now.'
'If you want to break his heart, go ahead. Smash it like all the others.'
'You can't deny what you are and what you are meant to do.'
I looked around the room at my group of friends, and eventually turning my gaze to Len. I looked for a second, but turned my head away, not wanting to see anymore. Warm, salty tears left trails down my face as I quickly snapped away and ran out the front door and into the cold evening. It didn't matter that I had been only wearing a sleeveless dress. It didn't matter that it was a dark and starless night out.
I just needed to get away.
Before all the memories came back!
Block after block I continued to run, ignoring the pain in my throat and my lungs. I continued to dart forward through the snow despite the cold and despite my legs' growing pain. I just couldn't stop. I can't stop. I need to get away from that house. I need to get away from all of it.
Suddenly I collapsed when my legs couldn't hold me up any longer. Pulling myself into a sitting position, I took the moment to survey the area. I didn't recognize where I was. It wasn't that it was dark, though that might have helped the case, but I didn't know where I ended up. All the houses, all the streets in this neighborhood, were all foreign to me. I couldn't understand where I was, but at least I was away.
Once rested I gathered to my feet, walking this time to find some shelter. Few places looked friendly or safe enough to rest at in this strange place. Though I eventually came across a children's park. Figuring it was the best place I could go, I walked forward to examine it.
Luckily for me, there was just what she was looking for. Slowly I climbed the small steps that led to the children's slide, stopping and sitting once I reached the little room in between. I stopped to catch my breath as I looked out the scratched, plastic window that the small cavern provided. It reminded me of when I was little, and I used to sit and stare out of these rooms in McDonalds.
Without warning the tears continued to rush down my face as I felt myself start to sob. My knees rested against my chest as I hugged myself, drowning in my tears. My stomach twisted and turned with what wasn't anxiety or nervousness. It twisted with guilt.
Guilt that had stored up for years.
"I'm sorry," my hoarse voice sobs into the air, crystallizing into a white cloud. "For so long I've been crying that I was sorry. I don't know why I can't say anything else,"
A vibrating in my purse caught my attention after a couple moments. I pulled out my cellphone and looked at it, looking through blurring tears to see who called. Seeing the number, I hesitated. Of course my friends would be asking why I ran off, but I couldn't answer that.
But I was alone and lost. And they were probably worried.
After a bit of thought the blonde picked up her phone and put it to her ear, doing her best to sound calm when she spoke. "Hello?"
"RIN KAGAMINE!" A chorus of voices sounded, each enunciating every syllable.
"Hey guys," I continued to try and sound calm, though my voice had some waver in it.
"WHERE ARE YOU?"
"I... I don't know...," my voice drifted off as I looked through the scratched glass for the cross streets. "Lynne Drive and Palmer Road, it looks like," I added.
"..."
"...Guys?" I sobbed, starting to lose my composure. Not only was some depression setting in, but now I was lost in a strange neighborhood in the middle of the night. I had no idea how I was going to get home. And I didn't even know if I was going to get over this depression. It was really starting to take over...
There was noise in the background of the phone; inaudible voices seemed to be arguing.
"Guys?" my voice was a whisper now.
"Rin," came the soothing voice of Luka, reminding me of my mother. "Stay there. Just relax."
"Can't really go anywhere else," I muttered, failing at an attempt for humor.
"You'll be home in a few minutes, Rin, I promise."
"I know. I trust you guys," I whispered, my voice turning into a white cloud.
"And I trust you will be okay until we get there," she murmured with a very distinct undertone that I couldn't properly place.
"Yeah. I'll be fine," I wiped the tears that were running down my face. "See you guys when you get here,"
"Yes, see you in a bit..." With a click of the phone, all I heard was silence. Setting down the phone, I signed as I let my cheeks rest against my knees. I always hated the silence, because it always made me think. And when I think, the depression would kick in. I don't mean for it to happen that way. It just does.
A sigh escaped my lips as I let fresh tears fall down my face. The images of two boys popped into my mind as I continued to let my mind wander- after all, there was no stopping it. One of the boys had a soft smile and a calm, caring look in his eyes, matching the red hair of his. The other was more wild and open, laughing and smiling with a hand running through his teal hair.
"What I did was stupid, huh?" I asked the empty air. "Running away like that. But I didn't mean for it to end up this way. But I guess it does when I don't think." a humorless laugh escaped her lips. "I think about this all the time, but I don't think about anything else. I don't think about my actions or the consequences. All I think about is me at the moment. And that's how I ended up here. Such a stupid girl I am, aren't I?"
Nothing answered her.
Just the silence.
"And in the end, only you answer back. You stupid silence..." More tears rushed down her face as she broke out into another fit of sobs.
"Don't be so mean to something apathetic."
"Len?" I asked, looking over to where the voice sounded from. I watched him for a quick second before turning my head away, my stomach twisting up.
"Luka said we'd be here. And here I am."
"..." I couldn't say anything. My mind was too twisted up with so many words. I couldn't concentrate. Instead I closed my eyes to try and sort things out.
"We should get you home. It's cold."
"I don't know if I'm ready to go home," I whispered. "I really don't want anyone to see me like this."
"Like what? I see nothing different or wrong."
"I look like a mess. My friends and family are going to know something's up." I whispered back.
"Is that bad?"
"Yeah," I whispered. "I don't want the gang to worry. And I don't want to explain what happened to Mom, either."
"What's wrong with worrying?
"Worrying is one thing. But when there's a stupid reason to be worried, that's another thing. Besides, it's this big complicated mess, and it's going to be a pain explaining it to everyone."
"It's not a stupid reason if it makes you upset."
"Yes, it's stupid. It's stupid because it's making me upset," I argued.
"Not stupid to me or anyone else back there."
"You just don't understand."
"Try me."
I didn't reply this time. Would it be safe to tell Len what happened? Maybe I needed to to get this thing off my back. After all, most of the thinking happened around him... and it would only be fair if he knew. "Promise you won't see me any differently?"
"Of course."
I sighed, wondering where to begin. "It's kind of a long story. I really liked a boy I knew a few years ago- Mikuo was his name. He was really nice to me, and we really got along. Every day after school we would meet up and hang out, just sitting there talking and laughing. It was a great way to spend the days. But as we got older, he got busier with homework and sports and other activities. And I know he couldn't help it, but it got to the point I only saw him once every two weeks or so.
"I tried to hold out, but I started to miss Mikuo terribly. Everyday I would wait in the usual spot for him, maybe for an hour or two, but he wouldn't show up. Sometimes he would stop and say hi, but then he would have to leave again right afterward. Maybe I was just stupid and selfish, but it hurt when he couldn't stay.
"Then one day I met a redhead. When I was on the way to our usual place in the park, I saw someone not much older sitting on the bench- this was Ted. He was terribly upset, so I walked over to him and started asking what was wrong. I can't remember exactly what happened, but he got my signals all wrong. I was trying to be his friend, when he thought I meant something more.
"We were in too deep when I finally realized what he thought I meant. But it wasn't his fault. He was really calm and careful. He never made me do something I never wanted to do, and we usually had a great time together. It was me, being stupid and never once thinking about what I was doing. But when I realized that he thought I was more than a friend, I didn't know what to do. I was so afraid of hurting people, even back then, I didn't say no. And I was so afraid of what was going to happen, that I didn't tell either one about the other. But it hurt so much..." at this point the tears that were running down my face wouldn't stop. I took a couple breaths to try and calm myself down before continuing.
"I tried to find a way to make everything right again, but I never could. Mikuo was never around anymore, and I couldn't find a way to make Ted realize that I didn't like him in that way without hurting him. Eventually I grew to really like the redhead as well. Or maybe I didn't. I don't know. Maybe I was just in love with the idea of love. I was just so young and stupid after all.
"Eventually Mikuo and Ted found out about one another. I found out later that they talked to one another. I remember that hurt expression when he came to me, upset about what I did. But he blamed himself for never being around. He blamed himself for hurting me, when it was I that hurt him. And he walked away from me, from our usual place, with such a burden on him. I never meant for it to happen like that. I was never able to say I was sorry...
"Ted and I eventually faded away in the same manor as Mikuo and I did. I never cheated again, but he just grew so busy as him and I started to grow up. But the entire time I just couldn't believe what I did. I couldn't believe I let go what actually mattered to me," a sigh escaped my lips. "I never meant to hurt anyone. I tried to protect them all, but I only ended up hurting everyone in the end. I meant to make everyone happy, but I ended up hurting so many people. I soon came to realize that maybe that's just what I was meant for. Maybe all I was ever put here for was to hurt people.
"I thought I had let go, but I hadn't. Len, please don't be upset by this, but you remind me so much like Mikuo and Ted. You have a little bit of each of them. I'm not replacing them. I really do like you, a lot. But it's just I've never really gotten over it. I don't think I ever could. And... I'm afraid to hurt you. I've always been afraid of hurting you. I've been told that history always repeats itself. And because of that, I've always been afraid. I'm afraid that I'm nothing more than a monster. I've always called myself that, because maybe that's what I am... I've hurt so many innocent people..."
"You didn't mean it."
"I may not have meant it, but it still happened," I whispered through the tears. "No matter the reason behind it, it doesn't change anything. It was still my fault."
"Things happen. You didn't realize. Not everyone is perfect."
"Maybe if I realized sooner..."
"Maybe doesn't solve anything." Len looked at me carefully.
"I know..."
"So why bother with it?"
"I don't know. It's not like I can help thinking about it. I just do. So many times I wonder what it would be like if I never hurt them. And I don't understand why I think about it. All I know is that I just can't let go of it. That's why it's so stupid for others to worry about me when I start thinking. That's why it's so stupid to be thinking about it. There's no reason for it, but I just do."
"If that event didn't happen, you wouldn't be the person you are now. So don't worry about it. Because it made you someone amazing."
"I really wish I wasn't so stubborn sometimes," I whispered to the both of us. "I wish I could let go, Len, but I'm having so much trouble letting go. To be honest, I don't know if I want to let go. I don't know if I want to let go of that history. I know it's causing me pain, but I just can't give it up. I want to let go, but I don't want to. It's confusing..."
"Would you let go for me?" I looked over at the blonde, thinking.
"I don't know if I can..." I looked away. "I can try, but I don't know if I can. I don't want to end up hurting you like I hurt everyone else..."
"You won't hurt me if you try. Only when you don't do anything is when I'm hurt."
"Promise? That if I try, you won't be hurt?"
"Of course."
"I guess I can try." I smiled slightly through the tears.
"Good. Now, let's get back before the others get really worried." He extend his hand out to me with a warm smile. My smiled widened and I grasped his tender hand. He pulled me up silently.
"Um...Len..."
"Yes?"
"You know we...never finished that dare..." He looked at me surprised, but smiled again.
"Well, I didn't know you wanted to."
"...well do you?"
"Only a fool would say no." I smiled wider as he pulled me tighter into his embrace. Our faces got closer until his lips brushed against mine.
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